


I Could Be There For You

by NERV



Series: It Never Goes Out [2]
Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: F/F, Set loosely around the events of Season 2, kotoumi - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 02:44:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 43,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9414518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NERV/pseuds/NERV
Summary: Kotori is beginning to feel the weight of emotions long held inside bear down on her.  Meanwhile, the subject of those feelings appears oblivious, but deep down things aren't quite so simple for Umi either.  In fact, she's about to have a few startling revelations herself.  As summer fades into Autumn and then Winter, it becomes increasingly clear that one of them is going to break unless the other gives up the charade and reaches out.





	1. One Day I Slowly Floated Away

It had been a long summer.

 

Long nights spent wondering about choices made and chances not taken while working on everything in-between; homework, costumes and French apologies stood out amongst many others.

 

Even longer days had stretched out over choreography, group meetings, vocal practise and, of course, dealing with the two girls she called her best friends. 

 

For better or worst.

 

No, it was a pleasure.  Really. 

 

Occasionally testing maybe, like at the end of another long relentlessly hot day.

 

Kotori leaned back against the wall beside the door exiting the rooftop.  She desperately wanted to go home, but it edged the weight off of her feet for just a few sweet moments of relief.

 

The reason she couldn't (politely) leave yet was a textbook Nico/Maki brawl in the making that Eli was (vainly) trying to break up.

 

Of her own two charges, Honoka had drifted back towards the commotion like a moth to a flame.  Meanwhile, Umi was prowling around the edge of the impending melee, ready to step in at a moments notice.

 

They both should have known better.

 

Now Eli had given up on being the peacekeeper and, with Nozomi's assistance, she was tormenting μ's two most volatile members.

 

From her vantage point Kotori could see Umi in profile as she paced around the perimeter of the group.  She was frowning now.

 

In moments like these she sometimes played a game where you had to imagine the exact origin and nature of the frown.  In this case you'd be forgiven for thinking it was the hold-up or the disagreement within the group, but Kotori knew better (she was _not_ short on practise).  It was because Nozomi had engulfed Nico in an awkward hug from behind.

 

Or the official answer: inappropriate physical contact unbecoming of a young lady. 

 

A well-known and well-reviled Sonoda point of contention.  Shameless indeed.

 

One day Kotori imagined she would be able to read the curve of Umi's frowning lips like a language.  No need to consider their inspiration, she would just know; an un-tucked shirt, a latecomer to class, literally anything Honoka was doing.

 

Okay, that last one was obvious.

 

She did cut a fine shape before Kotori's eyes though.  It was enough to forgive to the smaller things.

 

...To clarify, it was a matter of appreciation for the human form...

 

No.  Scratch that. 

 

It was the fashion designer within.  She admired Umi's form in a professional light.

 

_A professional light._

That seemed appropriate as Umi stepped to the edge of the roof, sighed in frustration and then stretched her arms upwards, presenting a lithe half-silhouetted figure to Kotori's ever-present gaze.

 

Though her eyes drank the sight in her features remained unmoved.  She didn't like to be caught out.  Couldn't afford to be.

 

She reminded herself that Umi saw her as the _reliable_ friend.  The one whom she consulted on all the important facts and figures.  And that was fine.  That was _practical_. 

 

For anything else past her comfort zone Umi could always push or cajole Honoka into dealing with it, holding her out like a smiling shield against all that was...

 

That was probably harsh, Kotori remonstrated with herself.  She didn't really think about it like that. 

 

A smart girl like Kotori didn't concern herself with those types of nagging, hanging thoughts.  You just had to let them go.

 

She looked back across to the group.  Maki looked to be on the verge of a rage stroke, provoked by the verbal barrage of a turbo-charged Nico-Nico-Ni.

 

It was a signal they all knew.  Time to go.

 

Umi was striding back towards, her gaze locking on for a synchronized roll of the eyes at the audaciousness of the other girls.

 

Kotori obliged her but tempered it with a sweet smile for their wacky friends.

 

What else can you do?  It's a juggling act.

 

*******************

Walking home Kotori and Umi drifted away from the main group earlier than necessary to avoid the bubbling permutations of Eli and Nozomi's latest little scheme.  Honoka came reluctantly, she was enjoying pumping up Nico (who really didn't need any help) while seemingly oblivious to the death stares she was earning from Maki.

 

They stopped at a fast food restaurant after Umi reminded Honoka she owed them both a meal.  Umi didn't really go for fast food but it was the principle that counted. 

 

Honoka argued vehemently against the charge but Umi had the smoking gun; a photo she had taken on her phone of a previous receipt when she had paid for both of them. 

 

A typical Umi move.  Checkmate, Honoka.

 

It was the type of squabble that always tickled Kotori's funny bone as she stood on the periphery.

 

She would gently chastise Umi for being such a stickler later.  It was the only way she'd learn, from her softly spoken friend.  Though she should probably also warn Honoka to never underestimate Umi's record-keeping abilities again.

 

When they sat down to eat, much like the rooftop, Kotori found herself outside of whatever was going on at their table.  The conversation seemed to pass her by, even as she nodded at the correct intervals and hummed her approval on cue.

 

Perhaps she was just faint from practising out in the open under the beating sun after a day of melting in classrooms. 

 

The shape Umi had cut on the roof flared into her mind's eye.  But this time it was a total silhouette.  The features she knew so well were...  Not gone, but hidden.  If you stood to one side you would be able to see her again but Kotori couldn't find the will to move.  

 

She had the vague idea that something was drifting away from her, far into the distance...

 

"HEY KOTORI-CHAN!"  Honoka shouted, inches from Kotori's face.

 

Kotori blinked, startled for a moment before she focused on the face of her friend.

 

"You were going to fall asleep!"  Honoka laughed.

 

Kotori looked down at the table and the meal she hadn't touched, smiling sheepishly.

 

"Of course she wasn't going to fall asleep.  Kotori-chan was probably just tired of your excuses."  Umi snapped.

 

Kotori vaguely recalled they had been discussing student council matters.  Ugh, that again.

 

"And she's probably tired of doing your job for you."  Umi added for good measure with a firm, disapproving shake of her head.

 

"Umi-chan..."  Kotori tried to intervene.

 

"Geez...  Okay, okay.  I'll catch up on that schedule tomorrow."

 

Honoka leaned back and stretched her arms out, nearly punching Kotori in the face in the process.

 

"Way to ruin my Sunday."  Honoka threw a mocking glare at Umi.

 

"Weren't we going to the cinema tomorrow?"  Kotori enquired.

 

"Sorry, Kotori-chan.  I said I would help out cleaning up at the shop.  Dad wants to do some refurbing."

 

"So you've triple-booked yourself.  Classic Kousaka."  Umi stated with a pointed look.

 

"I'll get it all done.  Quit whining."  Honoka waved her away.

 

Umi nearly exploded.  "Me?  I'm not whining."

 

"It's like you never graduated from being a hall-monitor."  Honoka sniggered.

 

"I was never a hall-monitor!"  Umi announced to everyone in the restaurant.

 

Immediately realizing the extent of her outburst, she blushed furiously before burying her face in her arms upon the table.

 

"It was the disciplinary committee."  She grumbled.

 

"You did used to wear the sash..."  Kotori couldn't help herself.  "...A lot."

 

"Assistant to head hall-monitor."  Honoka said between gasps of laughter.

 

A muffled groan sounded out from Umi's prone form.

 

"Never quite found that last promotion.  Too much focus on authority, didn't play the politics game."  Kotori added, giggling manically.

 

Umi looked up at her, forlorn wide amber eyes in torment.

 

"You as well?"

 

It was a testament to how well Umi could portray betrayal, Kotori genuinely felt a sense of guilt, like a bolt through her good humour.

 

"Just a joke, Umi-chan."  Kotori sold the apology with a disarming smile.

 

Whenever they did this little dance Umi had a habit of shaking her head and smiling to herself.  It was as if she was saying:  _Of_ _course, Kotori would never really mean it_.

 

Honestly, Kotori wasn't sure if it was a compliment or something a little more concerning.

 

"I'll text you both anyway.  If I can't make it you two can just go."  Honoka resumed the conversation.  "It'll be just like a date."

 

The moment she said it alarm bells went off in Kotori's head.  It was just a joke, an oblivious-Honoka-special at that, but no one was laughing. 

 

So Kotori laughed, loudly and abruptly.  Because it was such a ridiculous thing to say.

 

Honoka glanced at her in alarm at the sudden outburst.

 

"What?  Aren't you two always hanging out?"

 

_Oh god.  Shut up Honoka.  Shut up.  Shut up.  Shut up.  Shut up._

 

Wait, were they always hanging out?  Is that how people saw them?  But just as friends.  Friends hang out all of the time.  They were friends who hang...  Hung...  Hanging...  they spent a perfectly reasonable amount of time together. 

 

These were not great leaps of logic by any standard but Kotori suddenly found the concept difficult to grasp, as if it was lost in the air.

 

She risked a glance at Umi.

 

Umi didn't _seem_ to react but Kotori couldn't catch her eye.  Was she being avoided or was she just letting a careless sentence strike a little too close to home?

 

The latter, clearly.

 

_Date._

Come on.  It was just a joke.

 

_Quick, laugh again!_

 

Before she could Umi said something that blindsided her...

 

"We'd have a better time without you."

 

It was said sourly.  And what she probably meant was that they'd actually _meet on time_ without Honoka's inevitable mix-up of the who, when and where.

 

But it still sent her heart aflutter for a brief moment.

 

"If it's another documentary about bridges I'll pass anyway."  Honoka replied.

 

"We didn't see that in the cinema."  Umi gave her a puzzled look.  "That was at my house."

 

"I remember."  Honoka sighed.

 

"And it wasn't about bridges.  It was a very informative documentary about structural engineering in the late 19th century."

 

Honoka stared at her blankly.  Kotori wasn't listening.

 

Umi despaired for a moment before appealing to the table.  To reason.

 

" _Structural engineering._ "  She pleaded.   

 

Silence.

 

"Kotori-chan enjoyed it."  Umi huffed.

 

Kotori was currently too occupied to correct Umi on what a horrific lie that was.

 

This wasn't the time for idle chatter.  There were plans to be made and outfits to co-ordinated.  There was...

 

...No rush.  Because it was just a casual Saturday evening with friends.  A casual Sunday would follow with just one friend.  Singular.  Just one.  Casual. 

 

It was casual.  _A casual affair._

 

Absentmindedly, Kotori picked at a few fries that had tumbled to the edge of Umi's tray.

 

"Kotori..."  Umi was ready to admonish on reflex.

 

"Yours just taste sweeter."  Kotori chirped, heading Umi off with her cutest smile. 

 

She was slipping.  She knew it.

 

********************

 

They caught a train home and departed at each girl's respective stop, as was the routine.

 

Honoka went first.  Kotori was next but there was a few minutes until her stop.

 

As she sat next to Umi she pondered Honoka's words.

 

Maybe Honoka was right.  They were together a lot, more than friends usually are.  Practically a couple, right?  That's probably why Honoka had said _date._   Because that's what a couple did, they _dated_.  By that logic they were already dating.  _Already dating._   Everyone already knew, right?  Practically an established couple.  Practically.  Even Honoka realized...

At that point Kotori realized that she over-thinking something that _Kousaka Honoka_ had said. 

 

A grave mistake.

 

Honoka pretty much said whatever came to mind, hers were not words the scholars and scribes would record forevermore.

 

At first she smiled at the thought of her friend's carelessness but then it soured because...

 

"What's wrong?"

 

"Just..."

 

She made the mistake of turning to address the question.  Suddenly the reason got caught in her throat.

 

Every now and then when Kotori would look at Umi, all it took was an innocuous gesture or question and she would get caught up in the details.  The way Umi's lips curved when she was curious or puzzled, how her eyes always seemed a touch wider when she looked at Kotori...  How they sucked her into the deep and dark amber.

 

"Kotori..."

 

_Oh no._

 

She was really starting to lose her grip now.  It didn't take anything.  It could happen at a moments notice.

 

"Kotori...  Are you alright?"

 

She always wore concern well, like she _really_ cared.  Kotori liked to be the object of her attention in those moments.  To be the focus of Umi's attention...

 

She jolted suddenly when Umi touched her wrist gently.

 

"Y-y-yes...  Yes, I'm fine.  Just...  Err...  Just tired.  I'm just tired."

 

_Pull it together._

...But Umi's eyes were enveloping her again.  Was she leaning towards her?

 

Kotori let out the slightest of gasps.  Was she imagining Umi's lips parting?

 

"It's your stop."  Umi looked so perplexed as she said it that Kotori mistook it as a question.

 

"My stop?"

 

"It's your stop."

 

"It's my stop..?"

 

"Kotori, we're at your station.  To go home you need to get off the train."

 

Kotori blinked and looked around.  Realization struck her and she hopped to her feet.

 

She really needed to go home.  This was only going to get worst.

 

"I-I'll see you tomorrow, Umi-chan!"  She practically shouted.

 

For some reason, rather than waving, she gave Umi a salute.  She wasn't sure why and hesitated halfway through.  It was too late to stop.

 

She ended up just turning and running away.

 

Maybe it would come off as alluring, she consoled herself.

 

*******************

 

That night Kotori buried her face in the pillows upon her bed, the embarrassment of her total lapse in reality still burning bright.

 

She had nearly given the game away. 

 

So close.  She had felt the line she had drawn burn bright in her mind, her instincts nearly pushing her over it.  The desire caught her unaware sometimes, like a old friend, the details only came into focus in the moment you saw them.  You couldn't steel yourself beforehand...  And she had been dizzy from Honoka's little joke, over-thinking and feeling.

 

There were myriad reasons, really.

 

She rolled over to cast her gaze over a few outfits she had picked out for tomorrow.  She couldn't decide but it would come to her in the morning.  Again, best not to over-analyse.

 

It didn't really matter what she wore anyway.

 

That was what she kept telling herself about anything that concerned the person that mattered most.  Stuck in-between, she knew that she lacked the proper perspective but that didn't make things any clearer.

 

Kotori got up and walked over to her desk, flipping open some sketch books and examining a few costume designs she needed to go over.

 

There was work to done but she hesitated.  After a few moments of futile resistance she opened a drawer in the desk and retrieved an olive green sketchbook.  She paused again, torn between the simple choice before her.  Indecision had become a familiar foe these days.

 

When did it start?  Where?

 

There hadn't been any definitive moment.  There wasn't a time or place where it all came together.  She hadn't woken up one morning and just...  _Felt that way._

 

At some point it had just started to descend upon her.  Gently at first, glances and blushes.  It was a game, to find an excuse to touch her without arousing suspicion.  It was done in the way young girls could hold hands or kiss without it meaning anything because affection was still allowed.  You were too young to understand the depth of it people could inspire.  It was just a frivolity. 

 

Until the arousal began to stir with maturity.

 

Still, it was an innocence you could stretch out and exploit if you wanted to.  And something about Kotori made people want to believe that she was still too young at heart, so she hid her aches behind a cute smile and people bought it.

 

Umi bought it.

 

It was funny, Umi was the one Kotori wanted to see through it the most.

 

Kotori flipped the book open, placing it upon the desk.  The sketches within contained her most intricate efforts, instances of her greatest inspiration.  They were the pages only she would ever see. 

 

In the end it was just a way to let it out, to take the mask off here so she didn't end up dazed like earlier on the train, on the verge of a mistake she would never be able to amend.

 

The way she was around Umi, it was just a necessary deception, that was all.  She didn't like lying or being manipulative, every time she did it it was like draping another veil over her disguise.  She drifted further from who she really was. 

 

She had tried a more definitive solution but... 

 

...That had been France.  Seemingly the _only_ solution. 

 

A compromise.  No one would get hurt and no one would know.  A shiny new life with her temptation removed, at least for a year.

 

But that had fallen apart.  At first in the most beautiful way...

 

She had caught a glimpse of Umi first at the airport and for one moment it seemed like her wildest dreams were coming true. 

 

Actually, it had been something else entirely.  A feeling Kotori didn't understand yet.  She kept it locked away deep down inside.  Too precious to let out.

 

She skimmed through a few pages and came to that moment, her attempt at capturing it, the way Umi had looked when their eyes met across the terminal.

 

She had drafted it so many times and this was the best version but it still wasn't all there.  She had the subject but it lacked a certain something, perhaps the way the room had felt, the movements and, most of all, the elation...  Or whatever it was that she had felt for those fleeting few moments... 

 

Then she had caught sight of Honoka and realised. 

 

Even though she had heard the story later, that Umi had convinced Honoka to go, the truth had still been laid out in that moment. 

 

Umi would have let her go.

 

It was silly.  Of course she would have, she thought Kotori _wanted_ to go.  She only had herself to blame for that.

 

It still hurt though, and the contradictory nature of it all only made the wound feel deeper.

 

Kotori put the book down only to pick it up again moments later.

 

It didn't help to dwell on these matters.  A smart girl doesn't hang onto things that hurt.

 

She scanned through some other pages. 

 

Really they were all the same.  In these pages Umi wasn't so much the subject as a series of memories, insignificant moments where Kotori had wanted to make them something more but hadn't.  They were the details she focused on in an attempt to avoid looking at the bigger picture.  The way Umi's hair had fallen that one time, the shadow she had cast or the way she gripped a bow in another.  She was chronicling things lost in time, remembered by no one else.  It was all she could do for now.  

 

In time she would learn.  One day it would make sense.  She would move on, close this book for the last time and discard it.

 

Better to believe that.  Better to hope than live in longing.

 

So in the meantime she would go out tomorrow and have good time.  There would be no mistakes and it would be a pleasant afternoon in the company of someone she admired.

 

And because she admired Umi she could least show it in her own subtle way.  She could be there, she could listen and advise.  Even if wasn't exactly what she wanted she could still _give_ something.  That could mean a lot, being selfless for the person who mattered most.  It was something to work towards.  A goal.

 

Even if Umi didn't _really_ see her she could settle for being a good friend, maybe a great one.  It was fine as long as she could just pull herself back in character if she started to slip again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ride again into the world of LL.
> 
> Will be aiming to get a new chapter out each week, maybe slightly longer.


	2. Currents

The morning was a time of reprieve for Umi.  She got up early, always earlier than everyone else.  There was a certain kind of solitude she took from it, to be alone and aware when others were still dreaming.  She could go to work, get ahead, be ready.

 

Sunday was no different.  She woke just before sunrise and dressed swiftly.  She headed out for a light run, just a few miles around her neighbourhood and then back home. 

 

She was sweating lightly when she returned, the sun was now rising to prominence in the sky.  She considered another lap but decided against it.  It was a Sunday after all, _some_ allowances could be made and she didn't want to be worn out when she met Kotori later.

 

She went back inside, showered and then headed back out.  It was around 7:30 AM now, she was doing reasonably well.

 

The Sonoda residence was an old family compound that consisted of several buildings.  The family home was located adjacent to the main road and alongside it was a gateway that led to a wide walled courtyard that spread out behind it.  The dojo where her father trained his students and the studio-hall where her mother taught traditional Japanese dance classes faced each other, built into against opposing walls of the compound as they were. 

 

Umi walked out into the courtyard and went through a short routine of stretches.  Odd that she still felt stiff after a run and prior warm-up.  The early morning felt oppressive, she hadn't seen another soul since waking up and it all whirled into a disconcerting mind-frame.  

 

She gazed over at the dojo and considered checking to see if her father was already there.  It might calm her nerves to see him but she hesitated.

 

Instead she took up a light wooden recurve bow and a quiver of arrows from the equipment shed.  She walked over to and took up stance on the 18 meter mark, positioned towards one side of the courtyard.  Several archery targets had been set up against the wall.

 

She drew an arrow and notched it.  She fired but mistimed, breathing in as she let go, the arrow clattering against the wall.  She took several more shots but barely marked her target.

 

She took a deep breath, trying to quell the frustration that was rising.  She remembered the last time she had felt like this with her bow in hand.  Unsurprisingly, it was the same culprit responsible for distracting her now as it was back then.

 

_Date._

One of these days...  One of these days.  Umi would make it look like an accident as well.

 

_She just wandered out onto the range!  Out of nowhere!  I'd already fired, what could I do?  What was she doing!?  I always warned her to pay attention, she didn't listen._

Perhaps unaware of it, Umi gave her most withering frown to the targets as she skulked away, returning the equipment to it's proper place before walking over to the dojo.

 

When she entered she found her father sitting cross-legged in the middle of the room.  He was mediating so Umi made an effort to tip-tow around him.

 

Her father was a tall and very slim man, his strength deceptive in his slight build.  His hair was a much darker shade of blue than her's, almost black.  His features were would you might describe as almost handsome, his cheekbones were very sharp and his nose a little too long.  Umi thought he looked very much like he was, always calm and collected.  She admired him greatly and strived to reach the same level of restraint.  Sadly, she had not quite mastered the art of not expressing her anger at everything and everyone that bothered her.

 

She sat down across from him and tried to clear her mind.  Meditation was not really her forte, she preferred to be active, to find peace through the machinations of her body acting on instinct.  Though that hadn't really worked this morning though, so she was prepared to give this a try.

 

_Date.  You're going on a date._

It took an effort to stop her teeth from grinding.

 

Why had Honoka said that?

 

...Or...  Why did it bother her?

 

It was just a joke.

 

The problem was that it...

 

It had bothered Kotori and Umi didn't like Kotori to be bothered and that's all there was to it.  Case closed.  Matter dissolved.

 

Still, the train-ride home had been odd.  Kotori had been distant all day, Umi had just taken it for fatigue but that had changed after Honoka's pearl of wisdom.  From that moment on Umi kept catching her in the corner of her eye, she was watching Umi so intently, as if she expected her to spontaneously combust at any moment.

 

She pondered the sudden switch in her friend from the dojo floor.

 

It became apparent that this was not an uncommon occurrence.  Often when she tried to meditate she found Kotori occupying her mind.  Something she had said or done was always framing her thoughts.  It was like the simplest moments or interactions carried something that Umi _knew_ was significant but it was in a language she barely grasp at.

 

It made sense, they were best friends.  Best friends who spent a lot...  an _appropriate_ amount of time together and that was perfectly reasonable _and logical_.

 

Best friends, hidden meanings.

 

The train-ride came back into focus.  Kotori had seemed dazed...  Or maybe it was like she had acted as if they were somewhere else, alone and lacking a certain awareness. 

 

Had she missed something?  And then there was how Kotori had left, like she was fleeing.  Had she insulted her somehow?  Made her unhappy?  The thought bothered Umi.  In fact it drove a very sharp nail into whatever mental focus she was trying to draw together.

 

She would ask Kotori about it today, Umi resolved.  A quick and direct approach, very Sonoda-like.

 

Umi opened her eyes and looked around.  Her father had disappeared and dazzling rays of sunshine were peering in through the wide-open door of the dojo.  Perhaps she had been here longer than she thought.

 

It was time to get ready and Umi was _always_ early, even if it was just a casual meeting.  Half an hour at least...

 

...Who was she kidding?  An hour was the only sensible precaution for such an important meeting, even if it was recreational.  Protocol be damned!

 

*******************

 

Umi waited for Kotori on an appointed bench outside of the shopping mall.  She read a pocket book of poetry while waiting, scouting out inspiration for lyrics.  Though, much like earlier, she couldn't concentrate on anything but the nagging sensation that something was wrong with her friend and it involved her.

 

She had felt tense all morning but sitting here waiting she felt downright nervous.  The words on the page before her seemed to run away, a chase her eyes always lost by the edge of the page and she would have to start the sentence again and again.

 

There was a wide storefront window behind her and she swerved on the bench to check her reflection.  She was wearing a crisp white button-up shirt, tied at the neck with a deep blue ribbon, and a navy skirt cut to the knee.  There was no shame in ever dressing smartly, but the feeling that she had been a bit too concerned with her appearance had been bugging her since she had left the house, emphasized by every half-glimpse she caught of her own reflection. 

 

Was she too formal?  What was the occasion?  

 

Her beret sat beside her on the bench, she put it on and took in her reflection once more.  She frowned and tilted it to a more rakish angle.  She frowned even more and straightened it.  

 

She was over-thinking the matter.  Umi took pride in her appearance and that's all this was.  The occasion was that she was meeting her best friend.  When you rationalized matters they were as simple as that.

 

"Umi-chan!" 

 

Umi looked up and smiled.  Twenty minutes early, very prompt.  Umi approved.

 

"Hello Kotori-chan."  She greeted her friend as she approached the bench.

 

Kotori cut a fine figure in the waning summer afternoon.  Stylishly attired and...

 

Umi cleared her throat abruptly.

 

"You said you wanted to look around first?"

 

Kotori smiled and nodded.  "If that's okay with you?"

 

"Of course."

 

It took a few moments to act on that request.  She looked up at Kotori and back down several times before realizing that she was holding them up.  She quickly threw the book into her purse and stood up, a faint blush of embarrassment starting to manifest.

 

"Let's go."

 

*******************

They spent some time wandering through clothing stores, Kotori examining racks and rails here and there.  They chatted idly and Umi had to keep reminding herself that she wanted to have a _serious conversation_ with Kotori at some point, but the moment never seemed to come.  Or maybe she just didn't want to risk dragging the mood down since she was beginning to feel at ease for the first time today. 

 

Kotori seemed happy, whirling from one stand to another, occasionally holding out a dress or top for Umi's approval.  She smiled or nodded every time because...  Well, Kotori seemed to appreciate it.  And she liked how she could make her friend happy with just a simple gesture.

 

After a while Kotori led her to the last store she wanted to browse through.  As they walked in Umi realized that Kotori hadn't bought anything that afternoon.  That struck her as strange, there seemed to a plethora of things she wanted and was tempted by but she would always put whatever she had picked up back.

 

Kotori walked over to a rack on the right-hand side of the store.  Something about it ticked Umi off that she wasn't just browsing, she was looking for something she knew was there.  Sure enough, after a few moments, Kotori pulled out a black tunic.  She strolled back over to Umi.

 

"I never thought black was your colour but I think this would work for you."  She seemed to be sizing Umi up. 

 

Umi began to feel nervous under Kotori's calculating gaze.

 

"Would you try it on for me?"  Kotori asked.

 

Umi glanced at the tunic.  The top was crafted almost like a dress-shirt, cut in a V-neck, lower than she normally liked.  Despite that it was a simple design but quite elegant.

 

Umi looked back up at Kotori.  Her eyes were wide in anticipation.  She felt the urge not to let her down... 

 

Again, she had the feeling of not quite being to pull herself together.  Did Kotori expect her to...  Right here?

 

"H-here..."  Umi stuttered, blushing as she looked around the store.

 

"The changing room."  Kotori giggled and gestured over her shoulder.

 

 _The changing room, genius._

Umi gingerly took the tunic from Kotori and walked over to said dressing room.  She stepped inside and changed her top, increasingly flustered all the while.

 

When she stepped outside Kotori was immediately all over her, cooing compliments and adjusting the fabric here and there, as if it _had to_ sit just perfectly.

 

Umi could feel her cheeks burning from the attention.  People were beginning to stare but she couldn't bring herself to say anything.

 

"I'll get it for you."  Kotori turned towards the cashier's desk.

 

"No!"  Umi half-shouted as she grabbed Kotori's wrist.

 

Her grip was far too rough and she immediately launched into an apology as Kotori tuned back to her.

 

"Sorry.  I'm sorry, Kotori-chan.  It's a lovely gesture but I can't..."

 

But Kotori didn't seem bothered in the least.  She flashed an easy smile.

 

"Let your _best friend_ buy you a present?"

 

God, it was the way she said it.  Like...  Like... 

 

And the way those vibrant eyes could tug at Umi, silently pleading with her.

 

"What I mean is...  You should...  Get something for yourself.  You've been looking at so much but putting it back."  Umi was babbling and she knew it.

 

"Quality over quantity, Umi-chan.  Besides, I know what looks good on you.  Trust me."  Kotori winked.

 

Umi stared at her wide-eyed.  She couldn't think of another argument.  She couldn't even seem to form another sentence.

 

"Okay then."  Kotori smiled again.

 

Umi found herself being dragged to the till to be scanned because Kotori insisted she wear it out.  She had already (somehow) folded up Umi's shirt neatly to an impossibly small size and deposited it in Umi's purse.

 

By the time Kotori was leading her out of the store she honestly felt like she had just been swindled in some way.

 

She was still trying to piece together what exactly had just happed when a young man walked across the two of them, bumping into Kotori's shoulder as he passed.

 

"Sorry."  He immediately turned to apologize.

 

"Apologize!"  Umi demanded, just a few moments too late.

 

_Smooth._

 

The man was startled, looking between the two of them. 

 

Umi's hands felt heavy, the tension that had been accumulating all day suddenly caught her unaware.  She had to actively restrain herself from lashing out.

 

"I'm so sorry."  He said to Kotori.

 

"Just an accident."  Kotori brushed it off with an easy smile, in that way she had.

 

As Kotori led Umi away she glanced over her shoulder and shook a clenched fist at the man before he made a swift, bewildered exit. 

 

"Umi-chan..."  Kotori chided gently between chuckles.

 

"He was very rude."  Umi replied sternly.

 

As they made their way towards the cinema Umi looked up at Kotori, expecting a reproach but instead she found her friend smiling ever-so-slightly.

 

"I'm sure he'll never make the same mistake again."  Kotori remarked

 

"Yes...  Well, he shouldn't."  Umi replied.

 

As they continued towards the cinema Umi realized that Kotori hadn't let go of her hand since she had led her away.  They felt light again, the need to strike had vanished.  It felt...  Calming.

 

*********************

 

They walked into the cinema foyer and glanced around at the various posters before checking the listings.

 

Obviously Umi had checked well ahead and already made the call, since Kotori would usually go along with whatever she or Honoka decided.  And since Honoka wasn't here to interfere that meant it was go-time.

 

Umi made a show over examining the listings billboard in detail.

 

"Oh, there's a new horror film..."

 

Umi looked up to see Kotori bracing herself at the mere mention of the genre.

 

Now was her chance.  She just had to play it cool.

 

"But there's a fascinating documentary on... Samurai in the Edo Period.  Hmm...  Very highly recommended.  Well then, I'll get the..."

 

"It's my treat."  Kotori was already on her way to the ticket counter.

 

"But...  Kotori, you already bought..."

 

"Don't worry."  She called back.

 

********************

 

The first title card was a body-blow.

 

Umi glanced at Kotori beside her, who smiled and patted her wrist before turning back to the film. 

 

How had Kotori seen through her ruse?  Umi would have to carefully re-consider her tactics when she got home.

 

Umi wasn't sure what Kotori had tricked her into but she was becoming uncomfortably aware of the very unsubtle romantic tension between the two lead actors during the film's opening.

 

There would be no swinging swords here, much less the deeply intricate retellings of how those swords were forged, the part that everyone really wanted to see.  The cold hard and practical facts.

 

Perhaps another ominous sign of things to come was that the cinema screen was deserted besides the two of them.

 

...Then why were they sitting in the back row?  That was unnecessary. 

 

Everyone knew that the centre (or the _sweet spot_ ) of the room was where to sit to enjoy optimal performance from the surround sound system, not to mention being perfectly level with the centre of the screen.

 

Umi wasn't one to complain but she beginning to feel that there was a reason why she was usually in charge of these trips.  However, Kotori was trying to make it a pleasant afternoon, so Umi resolved to overlook these deficiencies in preparation.

 

Things got even more uncomfortable when Umi realized that she had been dragged into a _romantic drama_.  The way the actors made eyes at each other, suggesting...  Things.  Sadly, A formal courting process was clearly not at the core of this script.

 

No one needed to see this type of thing...  It was a private affair.  _Private._ To exhibit something like this was...  It was...  She didn't want to say it because Kotori had paid for the tickets and it was an incredibly kind gesture.

And oh...  What were they doing now!?

 

Kotori squealed in excitement beside her.  Umi had to close her eyes. 

 

She did not want to see this.  She had to judge from the audio alone if it was safe to open her eyes.  The sounds...  Oh, the sounds, they just went on and on.

 

Kotori grabbed her hand suddenly and Umi opened her eyes on reflex.

 

Oh god, they were...  They were... 

 

_With tongue?_

She had heard Honoka (who else?) phrase that uncouth question (thankfully missing the context) to Rin once before.   Much like when it was first said, it made Umi shiver in disgust.

 

"S-s-s-sha..."

 

On and on they went.  How could you even breathe?  Not to mention exchange of bacteria.

 

"Umi-chan, are you okay?"

 

_Shameless._

 

She squeezed her eyes shut.  How had she gotten herself into this mess?  It was possibly the most uncomfortable few minutes Umi had ever endured. 

 

And then it ended.

 

At first Umi thought she had mercifully blacked out.  There was an enveloping warmness emanating from her left arm.  Then she heard it...

 

"Umi..?"

 

Umi opened her eyes and looked to her left.  Kotori was leaning over the arm of her chair, her side was pressed against Umi's, her eyes were wide with concern.

 

Their faces were inches apart as Umi turned to her.  The amber that verged on gold, they were a brighter reflection of her own irises.  Even in the dimly-lit cinema she could see them with clarity.

 

She didn't want the moment to end but couldn't reason as to why.

 

She was holding her breath. 

 

This was illogical.

 

"...Are you..?"  Kotori whispered.

 

She began to hear her own heartbeat reverberate in her ears.

 

"Y-yes."

 

That was the second time she had stuttered today.

 

The frames of the film, light spilling from the screen, coloured the side of Kotori's face.  There were flickers of people, movements and places on her cheek.

 

Her lungs suddenly felt full, without a way to exhale.

 

_Has Kotori always looked like this?_

It was the last thought she could recall before she really did blackout.

********************

 

Well, that had been mortifying.

 

Umi had woken up on a bench in the foyer, an attendant and an extremely anxious Kotori hovering above her.

 

Apparently she had fainted due to the heat in the cinema screen.  She had also been dehydrated, according to Kotori, who had thrust a cool bottle of water in her face, demanding she drink.

 

The strange thing Umi realized, as the attendant apologized profusely, was that while that was a logical explanation she knew it was untrue.

 

It hadn't been too hot and the idea that Umi was _ever_ dehydrated, thus assuming she didn't carefully monitor her fluid intake, was madness.

 

Then why?

 

The question perturbed her as she strolled towards the train station with Kotori, who kept casting worried looks at her.

 

"I'm fine, you don't need to worry."

 

Kotori's concern was gratifying really, but Umi hated to be mothered over.  She was more precautious and conscious of her health than anyone.  And she _didn't make mistakes_ , she knew her limitations.

 

"Umi-chan, maybe we should...  Take a break."

 

"I'm fine."

 

"I don't want to push you again..."

 

How was Kotori pushing her?  _Again_?  And besides that she wasn't Honoka suffering brain-freeze despite repeated warnings, it had just been a one-off, a freak.  She was _fine_.

 

"It's just a ten minute walk to the station."  Umi snapped.

 

She immediately stopped and turned, ready to apologize.  Kotori was looking away and she couldn't quite see her face, Umi felt hollow for a moment in the wake of her irritation. 

 

But when she turned to Umi, Kotori didn't seemed fazed at all, quite the opposite, her lips were curved upwards ever so slightly.

 

"I suppose I forgot, Umi-chan is invincible."

 

Kotori always seemed to go to chirpy as default, but Umi detected a sharpness to those words.

 

"Well, I wouldn't say invincible..."  Umi mumbled.

 

"Then how would you describe yourself?"  Kotori met her gaze head-on.

 

_Good question._

 

"Um...  I suppose...  'Robust'."

 

Kotori started to laugh.  Nothing malicious but it still set Umi on edge, her skin prickling at the sound.

 

"What's so funny about that?"  Umi huffed.

 

"Nothing.  I'm sorry."  But she was still giggling very unapologetically.

 

The way Kotori had sifted moods gave Umi the unwelcome feeling that her friend wasn't going to forget about this anytime soon.  The last thing she needed was _certain_ people finding out about her...  Carelessness.  She could feel her frustration bristling at the thought of how badly she wanted to erase it.

 

"I didn't faint...  I mean, I..."

 

Where was she going with this?  Umi knew she could, on rare occasion, talk herself into a corner.  Today hadn't exactly been her finest but she couldn't let this go.

 

"You didn't?"  Kotori enquired with a slight, mischievous smile.

 

"No.  I didn't."

 

"Then what happened?"

 

That was the pertinent question, one Umi planned to answer in good time.  Unfortunately she was getting ahead of herself now.

 

"Well...  the film..."

 

"I'm sorry.  Was the subject matter a little bit too...  Mature for Umi-chan?"

 

"O-of course not."

 

"Are you sure?"

 

She stared at Kotori for a few moments before finding an answer.  It was the way she could say so much without her lips moving, but Umi couldn't quite decipher all of it. 

 

"Yes, I'm sure."

 

"I thought the _idea_ of kissing...  You didn't like it."

 

Umi could feel herself being led in circles, Kotori could always out-fox her this way.  Still, she couldn't help but persist.

 

"Ye- well...  N-no.  I mean, everyone does it.  Eventually."

 

"Do you?"

 

Umi tried to reply but her mouth had gone dry.

 

_Of course I haven't._

But right now it felt so empty even if it was the truth.

 

Umi looked up and saw a strange shape to Kotori's eyes.  There was something there that she had never seen before.  She realized then that it was because she felt genuinely uncomfortable under the gaze of her best friend for the first time.

 

"I suppose there'd be no way to prove it if you did."  Kotori hummed as she began to walk towards the station again.  

 

********************

 

It didn't get any easier as she stood on the platform waiting for her train.  She still hadn't asked what had been bothering Kotori yesterday but she had the distinct sense that whatever it had been was replaying today.  The only constant between the two occasions was Umi, so what had she done?

 

Umi glanced up at the over-hanging station-announcement board, they would be parting here to take different lines home.  Her train was approaching the station.

 

"I'll see you tomorrow morning, Umi-chan.  Remember to get plenty of rest."

 

Umi turned to face her friend.

 

_Remember to get plenty of rest._

For once, she longed to believe that she was just taking friendly banter a bit too personally.  Maybe that's all she was doing...

 

_Was the subject matter a little bit too...  Mature for Umi-chan?_

No.  No, this wasn't just a joke.  Kotori never leaned on these things enough to push Umi over.

 

_I thought the idea of kissing...  You didn't like it._

 

Kotori had that soft, sweet smile on her lips.  It made it hard to really...

 

_Do you want to eventually?_

 

She felt Kotori's arms around her as she leaned in to give her a light hug as the train pulled up.

 

_I suppose there'd be no way to prove it if you did._

 

Without thinking, and this was an occasion where for Sonoda Umi 'without thinking' was not only an exception but an understatement, she leaned over and kissed Kotori. 

 

Though on attempt #1 'kissed' may have been putting it too finely, the best that could be said was that her lips definitely touched Kotori somewhere between her eye and nose.

 

That was no good.  A Sonoda always got the job done. 

 

Attempt #2, much like many of her arrows this morning, failed to even find the target.

 

The third time was the charm. 

 

Kotori's lips were very soft and pliable.  They tasted faintly of peach.

 

It was a very pleasant sensation.  Umi had to wonder, why didn't she do this more often?

 

_Wait, what?_

 

Umi immediately staggered back.  She nearly had a panic attack but instead swiftly turned and stepped onto the train without a backwards glance, absolutely refusing in anyway to consider what she had just done _three times_.

 

"Umi-chan!  Wait, that's not your train!"

 

Umi heard it but she wasn't buying it.

 

"Don't worry.  It'll get me there somehow."

 

The train began to depart from the platform.

 

"No!  They changed over, It's going in the opposite..."

 

That was the last thing Umi could clearly hear.

 

Well, standing in the corridor would do no good.  She needed to find a seat, it was going to be a long ride home and she had much to mull over, not to mention several oncoming paralytic strokes to suffer through when she remembered that she had just...

 

"Miss, are you alright?"  A rail attendant asked, approaching in concern.

 

"No.  No, I am not."  Umi replied frankly.

 

********************

 

As bad as it felt now how the hell was she going to get through tomorrow?  A concern that brought on a fresh wave of nausea as she walked home from the station.

 

The sun was beginning to set now, after all she had just turned a thirty-minute train journey into two hours.  An impressive feat set amongst many achieved today.

 

The means of survival so far had been to simply not think about what had happened. 

 

...Not to think about the taste, the feel or the palpitations of her heart immediately before and after.

 

It was a strategy she hadn't perfected yet.  It was hard work because Kotori was...

 

_Stop._

Because it was very easy to fall into traps.  What she needed was now was to not think.  Thankfully, she knew the exact person to talk to for that.

 

Umi flipped open her phone and dialled a number.  'Dialled' because she didn't rely on her phone's memory, she relied on her own.

 

The line clicked on.

 

"Umi-chan!"

 

"Hello, Honoka."

 

"What's up?  Have a good time today?"

 

_Distract her._

"Did you go over that schedule for the student council?"

 

Chasing up work at a time like this.  Umi smiled to herself, even in the midst of a personal crisis she still had it.

 

"Did you really call just to check on that?"  Honoka groaned in exasperation.

 

"Of course.  That's my job."

 

"Is Kotori-chan still there?"  Honoka pleaded.

 

"W-why would she still be with me?"  Umi almost shrieked, she could feel herself slipping immediately.

 

"Calm down.  Just asking."

 

Hold on.  Actually, now that Umi considered it, this was all Honoka's fault. 

 

There was a simple explanation; If Honoka hadn't messed up their plans none of this would have happened.  She would have been there to defuse things.  Defusing was what Honoka did best, that was her role within the group, but here she was neglecting that role.

 

What a surprise.  She should have seen this coming all along.  And to think Honoka thought she could get away with it.

 

"She was very disappointed that you didn't even text to say that you wouldn't be there.  Very inconsiderate."

"Really?  She just text me an hour ago.  She didn't say anything about that."

 

Umi almost choked.  What _did_ Kotori say?  Dare she ask?

 

"I...  I...  I..."

 

"You...  You... You...  Are we rhyming?"

 

_Hang up!_

"My signal...  Err...  M-my signal is..."  A classic ruse, Umi even hissed into the receiver for added theatricality.

 

"Umi-chan, what are you doing?"

Umi fumbled with her phone in panic, her finger stabbing at the red 'end call' symbol.

 

Now what?

 

There was only one choice left, one refuge to try.  The one person who Umi saw a semblance of herself within.  She dialled another number.

 

"Hey, Umi.  How are you?"  The voice of Ayase Eli reached Umi's ear.

 

"I'm _fine_."  Umi replied a little too sharply, and loudly.

 

_For the love of god, hold it together for five seconds._

"Okay.  What can I do for you?"  She didn't seem to pick up on it at least.

 

"Well, I...  I..."

 

_Here we go again.  Just get it out._

"I'mworriedImayhaveinsultedKotoriandI'mnotsurehowwhatdoIdo?."  It came out in a machinegun-style burst.

 

"Woah, calm down.  I didn't catch all of that."

 

Suddenly Umi could hear another voice on the other side of the line.  Someone was there with Eli and they were talking to her.

 

"Wait, no...  Hang on..."  Eli said.  Then a pause.  "No, don't.  Don't!"

 

"Hello, Umi!"

 

Umi felt close to _actually_ fainting this time. 

 

"We were just talking about you and Kotori.  What a coincidence." 

 

 _She can smell fear_.  Wise words from Nico rose from the depths of Umi's memory.

 

"R-really..?"

 

"Yes!  You know how Kotori always likes to play her little pranks on you.  You always see these little out-of-character glimpses of her when it comes to you."  Nozomi chuckled in delight.

 

And there it was.  The window left open, the door left ajar.  The way out of this mess.

 

Umi forced herself to laugh.  She could still hear Eli desperately trying to get her phone back on the other side of the line.

 

"Yes, she does do that.  And you know I _love_...  Pranks."  It was almost painful to say.  Still, she had to plough on.  "In fact, I bet you all talk about how I like to play them on _her_ all of time, right?"

 

Silence. 

 

Maybe she really had lost her signal this time?

 

"Nozomi, Are you still there?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Well, this has been fun.  You've really helped.  Say goodbye to Eli for me.  Goodnight."

 

"Wait!"  She heard Eli shout as she ended the call.

 

Just a prank.  A silly old prank.  And Kotori had brought it upon herself, goaded Umi into it even.  Classic Minami.  Even more classic Sonoda, pushing the limits with her racy pranks.  When would they learn? Still, clearly everyone loved them for it, all this back-and-forth. 

 

There you have it.  All harmless fun.  And Nozomi, of all people was the one to help her realize it.

 

No need to over-think it.  That was that.

 

*******************

 

Of course, it wasn't quite that simple even if she needed it to be for now.

 

Umi lumbered through the front door feeling weary, through and through.  If there hadn't been school tomorrow she would have afforded herself that luxury that stood above all others...  No, she shouldn't even think about it.

 

No one was home so she wandered towards the dojo.  The lights were on and there was noise emanating from her mother's studio, they were doing an extra rehearsal for a competition some of the dancers had coming up soon.  She considered entering to see if her mother required any assistance.  It would be a welcome distraction but something held her back, a feeling that she would be out of place.

 

Instead she turned towards her father's dojo.  A low lamp light gave the faintest sense of existence from within, though all was quiet.  She stepped up and slid the door open.  Her father was within, meditating again, a reflection of this morning that now seemed a world away.

 

She walked over to the same spot and half-collapsed onto the floor.  She crossed her legs and tried to empty her mind.

 

It almost seemed to work.  There was just one thing; the faint taste of peaches.

 

Umi opened her eyes and found her father watching her.

 

"Rough day?"  He asked quietly.

 

Umi nodded.

 

"You'll get through it."

 

Of course she would, it was just a prank.


	3. Ten Cent Blues

_Tomorrow._

It was all that been on Kotori's mind that night.  There were plenty of possibilities, scenarios that played out towards tragic before veering to the blissful and vice-versa.

 

The question that stood out the most was simple; would Umi be happy to see her?  Would her eyes light up?  Would she blush while fumbling her words?  Would she be _glad?_

She was made to wait for the answer.  She met Honoka along the way to school but Umi's absence was immediately conspicuous.  No attempt to contact her brought any answers, texts and calls went unanswered.

 

When they got to Otonokizaka they found Umi had arrived early, already at her desk before anyone else.  She didn't acknowledge either of them as class began, whether by design or a lack of awareness, Kotori wasn't sure. 

 

Or...  Perhaps Umi was just nervous.  The thought made her feel a bit giddy.

 

So she had to wait, staring at the back of Umi's head through most of the morning until they had a break.

 

When the bell rang Umi immediately packed her bag and shot out of the classroom. 

 

Surprisingly it was Honoka who came to Kotori's rescue, blazing a trail through the milling students in pursuit of the fabled Sonoda.

 

Kotori followed (at a safe distance) and could already hear them bickering in the hallway about a student council matter as she left the classroom. 

 

As she approached she could feel a lot of little things; her breathing was shallow, her skin was tingling, she suddenly felt very light and everything around her looked startlingly vivid, as if each moment was being crafted in the lead-up to something unforgettable.

 

When she caught up she got what she had been waiting for.  Umi looked up and over Honoka's shoulder at her.

 

She saw it, just a flash before Umi managed to compose herself. 

 

It was _fear_.

 

And she knew how this would play out from the next step onwards.

 

There was a sound echoing in her head, cast off from a faraway thought and carrying over in a faint echo, an imitation of what it had once been.  Something she had wanted to say or hear.

 

It wasn't any trouble, she didn't hesitate for a moment.  She didn't let anything out.

 

She put the mask back on and everything was fine.

 

It was just a joke and she laughed on cue when Umi explained it later.

 

Such a silly joke.  It could only happen between friends, such as they were.

 

She smoothed it all out.

 

*******************

 

But the smoother it was the rougher she felt inside.  Every time she tried to let something go it got caught up inside and became jagged, sometimes snagging her heart and drawing out unpleasant thoughts.

 

Umi seemed wary of her. 

 

Summer bled into autumn but Kotori could still see it, even if no one else seemed to pick up on it.  Sometimes she worried that Honoka had an inkling; there were quiet moments when she would look at Kotori as if piecing together a puzzle, but if she did suspect something she didn't act on it.

 

Weeks passed by.  She had places to be and things to do.  In that respect μ's kept her occupied, the tasks at hand and her friends were something to thankful for.  It dulled the pain...  Until even they betrayed her.

 

Early one morning she walked through a park on the way to Otonokizaka and caught Nico and Maki sharing an embrace, along with a deep kiss.  Nico spotted her before she could get away so she ended up walking the rest of the way with them, pretending to have not seen what had been laid out before her, seemingly (and she knew this was a selfish thought) to highlight what she was missing.

 

The moments that hurt the most were those because they fuelled daydreams, idle fantasies of what it would be like to...

 

She wanted her friends to be happy, she wanted the best for them but they had an uncanny habit of exhibiting moments of mutual affection just as she passed by.  Whatever they did or said always seemed to be framed for maximum impact on the moment of her arrival.

 

Before she drifted off to sleep at night she would recall those moment again but with two different leads.  Herself in one of the roles, a different space of mind.

 

She was guilty of using Honoka much in the same way Umi did.  She kept her around to stop them ever being alone together.  The few moments where even Honoka couldn't help were painful, like a subtle knife between the ribs.  Umi's weapon of choice was silence, Kotori's was her smile.  They both knew that everything had changed.

 

No one seemed to notice the change, maybe it wasn't visible to the uninitiated.  They did the same things, caught the same trains and sat at the same desks.  Maybe nothing had changed?  Perhaps the subtleties she noticed were figments of her imagination she read into too deeply.  But then there were moments that reminded her of how it had once been day and now it was night; like when they caught the train home and Umi would say goodbye without looking at her when they reached Kotori's stop.  Before she had always left her with a smile, now she was absent.    

 

She still didn't quite regret that moment on the platform even it was harder now because it meant she had lost something she never truly believed she would have.  She tried to hold onto it, keep it pure but slowly, as the days passed, her anger began to overtake her apathy.  _Regret_ was how she started to define it.

 

She got back at Umi in petty ways.  At one point, while working on costumes, she cut Umi's skirt a centimetre shorter than anyone else's.  No one would notice except Umi.  Those were the best and worst of her sins, the little needles she pressed in just for just one person.  But if Umi ever noticed she never said anything, so Kotori would press a little harder next time...

 

But it didn't help. 

 

There was no release.

 

********************

 

As autumn moved towards winter Kotori was sure she'd be caught out.  She seemed to be falling apart with each passing day. 

 

She realized it was her smile of all things letting her down.  It would fade and she would wander through the day with her eyes lost in the sky. 

 

It got to the point where one day, after school, she had to practise smiling in her mirror.  She couldn't quite pull it off like she used to, the corners of her mouth gave away the weight of longing that was pulling her strings now.

 

It came to a head on Halloween as three of her friends caught her out.

 

The first was Nico.  Shortly after μ's Halloween performance, she caught Kotori drifting through the crowd and applied some remarkably precise bluntness to eke the truth out of her.  Her advice: be bold.

 

And for the first time in a while Kotori could feel her blood pumping.  She remembered when she had once resolved to just be there; to be the best friend that she could.  It wasn't something she regretted but the idea just seemed so flimsy now. 

 

Hadn't Kotori always just been _there_?  That was what people expected of her.  She needed to be something more.

 

If Nico had got her thinking, then the second encounter was the final spark for that rarely-lit Minami fuse.

 

The following morning she met up with Honoka along the way to Otonokizaka.  Umi had been absent, not an uncommon occurrence these days.  After the last transfer on their way to school they had met up with Maki, of all people, who had apparently mixed up her route in attempt to meet Nico along the way without success.

 

Standing at one end of the carriage, huddled together for warmth as the train pulled away from the platform, it only took a few moments for Honoka to announce the topic of conversation for the rest of the ride.

 

"What's wrong, Kotori-chan?"

 

Maki looked up at her and then pointedly away.

 

"W-what...  Do you mean?"

 

"You seem really down lately."  Honoka pressed.

 

"I'm okay...  I'm fine."  Kotori tried to pull herself together.

 

"No..."  They both turned as Maki suddenly spoke up, the last person Kotori expected to have an opinion on her mood.

 

"...It's more like...  You don't seem to be here lately...  With us."

 

Much like yesterday with Nico, Kotori tried to find the words to deflect attention, but there was simply nothing to say.  They were right, both of them.

 

"Yes."  There didn't seem to be any point in denying it further.  She was tired.

 

"What's wrong?"  Honoka asked again.

 

"Umi kissed me.  But then she said it was joke."

 

It actually felt good to say it, to lay it out in the simplest terms.  She felt a touch lighter for it.

 

"Woah!"  The carriage practically rattled with Honoka's exclamation.

 

Maki blushed as her eyes rapidly flipped between her two friends and the dead space between them.  Kotori had to remind herself that Maki didn't know that she knew about her and Nico (though that would shortly change).  It was a tricky subject for the redhead to discuss as well, she supposed.

 

"When did this happen?"  Maki asked quietly.

 

"The end of last summer."  Honoka proclaimed.

 

So she had figured it out.  Perhaps Kotori had underestimated her friends.  She nodded to affirm Honoka's conclusion.

 

"Wow..."  Honoka gasped.  "What are you going to do?"

 

Kotori shrugged.  That seemed the only appropriate answer.

 

"But you...  Do want to do something?"  Maki asked cautiously.

 

Now that was a question, a real gem right from her kouhai.  The fact that she was the one to ask it reminded Kotori how much Maki had grown over the last few months, before she would have visibly stepped outside of this conversation.

 

But now maybe she understood where Kotori stood, had planted her feet in the same impasse not so long ago. 

 

"I..."

 

How did you even answer something like that?  Something you've been thinking about for _years_?  Something that could drive you up and down so wildly.

 

Kotori glanced at the redhead, their eyes met and Kotori thought about how before Maki would have looked away, wouldn't have engaged.  Maki and Nico, they had opened each other up.  Seeing that change in her friends, no matter how see felt about Umi now, it gave her the answer

 

"I do."

 

Honoka was nodding so enthusiastically that Kotori was afraid her neck would snap.

 

"Yes!  _Yes_!"  She drew the word out in case the rest of the train didn't already know her preference on this matter.

 

"Wait."  Her cheerleading stopped suddenly.  "Why haven't you?"

 

Kotori sighed.

 

"I don't think Umi..."

 

She didn't want to say it out loud even if she had thought it a million times.

 

"Um..."  Maki suddenly spoke.  "...It's not like I would know but, I think maybe Umi wouldn't understand."

 

"But _Umi_ kissed _Kotori_."  Honoka pointed at Kotori with both hands for emphasis.

 

That _was_ true.  But what Kotori knew she was guilty of omitting here was that she really had goaded Umi into doing something silly, even if she hadn't ever expected it to be _that_.  Still, she was curious as to where Maki was going with this.

 

"Yeah, I grasped that, but...  You two know Umi better than me but I just think that Umi...  She probably thinks she should have asked your whole family for permission first or something like that.  To you it's a kiss but Umi probably thinks she accidentally asked you to marry her."

 

" _That's it_!"  Honoka confirmed for the rest of the carriage.

 

Kotori blinked and looked between her two friends.  Was that it?  A case of Umi thinking she had hurt Kotori rather than protecting herself?

 

"She'll never admit it though."  Honoka murmured.

 

Kotori and Maki turned to look at her, surprised by her sudden change of tone.

 

"She'll think...  She's too stubborn to believe it..."  She looked around thoughtfully, as if the answer was floating in the air.

 

"...And she kept saying that it was a prank."  Kotori added.

 

Maki snorted and Honoka chuckled, while patting Kotori on the shoulder.

 

"Kotori-chan, Umi thinks filing a request form in the permission folder is a prank.  Don't doubt what you feel."

 

Maki nodded in agreement.  "I think you have to trust your gut.  I know that's what I..."  Maki suddenly cleared her throat.  "T-that's what I imagine people...  Do...  In this...  Kind of situation...  Which I wouldn't know...  About..."  She looked away abruptly.

 

Maki's blushes were spared as the train pulled into their station.  As they exited the train Kotori pondered the words of her friends.

 

She didn't doubt who Maki was referring to...  In fact, what was it the self-proclaimed #1 idol in the universe had suggested?

 

_Challenge her._

*********************

 

On rare occasions the girls would manage to hire out the school swimming pool after classes to mix-up their fitness routine from running or callisthenics.  Today, as it happened, was just such a day.

 

Usually they would take to the pool in threes, divided by year-group.  The first-years would go first, aiming for a solid five kilometres before swapping and resting while the next group took over.  They would do this twice more, aiming for fifteen kilometres and sometimes attempting to go further on their last set of lengths.

 

Unsurprisingly it was Umi who held the record at twenty-three kilometres for one session and it was a record she was quite proud of.  Rin and Eli regularly choose to challenge but neither had made it, with the latter coming agonizingly close.

 

Nico and Maki were absent for one of their extra choreography sessions, though they rejoined the group as Hanayo and Rin took to the water for the last time.  Kotori watched the two of them from the edge of the pool. 

 

If there had been any doubts about their relationship they had been cast out into the open during lunchtime, courtesy of Nozomi's meddling.  It had been volatile to say the least, with Kotori and Honoka eventually dragging a brawling Nico away from her fellow third-years, while Maki had left swiftly afterwards of her own accord. 

 

Nico had been worried afterwards but whatever had been said in their time alone appeared to have healed any potential rift.  They strolled along the edge of the pool, loosely holding hands. 

 

Must be nice to have it known, to not pretend anymore.  Kotori could feel a stroke of envy even a she rooted for her friends.

 

As Hanayo and Rin hit their last kilometre Kotori got up and began to stretch.  Training had gone smoothly that evening; perhaps feeling somewhat unburdened by her talk earlier that morning, Kotori had kept the pace with Honoka and Umi, feeling reasonably solid by the time she approached her last round of lengths. 

 

Kotori, Umi and Honoka hit the water for the third time, smoothly sailing through the last few kilometres.

 

As Eli clocked them in for fifthteen Kilometres total all three girls decided to go on.  It was surprising for the second years, usually only Honoka put up a perfunctory challenge to Umi before dropping out.

 

Kotori found herself slicing through the water without much effort; for the first time in a long time she realized that she was totally focused on the goal before her.  It only occurred to her what that goal really was when she saw Honoka drop out, red-faced with exhaustion and hugging the edge of the pool. 

 

She was going to beat Umi at her own game.

 

On and on they went.  Eli clocked them in at twenty kilometres total, it was a record for Kotori.

 

Kotori started to notice that whenever Umi, who was slightly ahead of her, would turn at the end of the pool to kick off for the next length she would pause to steal a glance at Kotori.  As time went on those looks started to carry a degree of disbelief, and then, ever so slowly, a hint of fear.  It was if something was chasing Umi, hounding her strokes through the water relentlessly. 

 

And if she suspected that then she was right.

 

**Twenty-two kilometres.**

 

Kotori had to admire how machine-like Umi was, fatigue never seemed to dull her movements, she kept swimming straight and true.  For Kotori, every time her arms started to ache a fresh wave of anger strengthened her limbs.  She refused to be beaten.  This was the first step, she was going to show Umi that she could match up to her.

 

**Twenty-three kilometres.**

 

This was starting to get ridiculous.  It was a superhuman effort from Kotori, so _surely_ Umi had to be getting tired now?

 

As they reached the end of the pool Umi turned to kick off into another length, and just for a moment Kotori saw it.  It was that look, that little shake of her head and a tiny smile to herself.

 

_It's only Kotori.  She won't last._

Kotori almost screamed into the water.  She pushed on through her fatigue.

 

**Twenty-four kilometres.**

 

Even the burning anger was fading now.  Every time her arms started to go limp she would try to recall a moment when she felt lost and alone.  A moment where she had been at her limit, where her smile had been on verge of cracking and she had known...  _She knew_ that it had all been down to one person.  The one looking right at her now as she kicked off against the edge of the pool.

 

**Twenty-five kilometres.**

 

No more.  _No mas._

She just didn't have it, her lungs were on fire.  Umi was sailing away from her, forever out of reach.

 

She felt her left arm lock up.  She desperately tried to push herself onwards but could feel her momentum slipping.

 

Then she heard someone calling to her.

 

"Kotori!  Come on, Kotori!"

 

Kotori glanced up to the side of the pool.  Nico was there, running alongside her.  Honoka was following her, taking up the chant.

 

Kotori reached the end of the pool and shook her arms, attempting to loosen the muscles before launching back into the fray.

 

**Twenty-six kilometres.**

 

Finally, it happened.  Umi went to kick off and then stopped.  Her face was bright red.  Kotori reached the same end, kicked off and carried on.

 

She couldn't help but glance back.  The relief was beyond description as she saw Umi pull herself out of the pool, sitting on the edge with her face in her hands as her torso heaved with deep racking breathes.

 

Kotori managed another length before pulling up at the edge of the pool.  Nico reached in and dragged her out.

 

"Wow, even Nico is impressed."  She murmured under her breath.

 

The world spun as Kotori sat down, resisting the urge to splay out.  She had never even considered the possibility of feeling this tired.  It was almost cruel.

 

"Kotori!  Kotori!"  Her name echoed sharply around pool.

 

Kotori grudgingly pushed herself to her feet.  She was confronted by a furious Umi.

 

"What was that?"  She demanded.

 

"...Practise...."  Kotori gasped.

 

"W-what?"

 

"Sorry...  Umi-chan.  It look like...  You needed more practise."

 

It wasn't the most convincing smack-down, considering her ragged breathing, but Kotori forced herself to stand straight and meet Umi's gaze despite her entire body beginning to lock up. 

 

Those dark amber eyes were wide and consumed by fury in a way Kotori couldn't ever quite recall seeing. 

 

Umi was angry but she didn't want to say why. 

 

Kotori wanted to make her.

 

"I-I..."

 

"You lost."  Kotori couldn't hide the bite from her voice.

 

"You could've hurt yourself!"

 

"I'm _fine_.  I'm more worried about you."

 

"But you..."

 

"What?  You thought I couldn't handle it and I beat you.  You don't like it."

 

"No!  Stop..."

 

Had she ever seen Umi this angry?  It was like she was poised to strike, half-stepping towards Kotori.  It was like she was being accused of something.

 

She glanced to the side to see the others do a very poor job of pretending not to watch them from the other side of the pool.

 

"That's not..."  Umi's voice bristled with frustration.

 

_Now or never._

"Don't worry about it, Umi-chan.  I wasn't trying _too_ hard.  I just thought it would be fun to see if I could catch you...  It was just a _joke_."

 

She actually heard Honoka audibly gasp from the other side of the pool.  Nico and Maki jumped on her before she could run over to her friends.

 

Umi was left staring, her eyes so wide but suddenly bereft of anger.

 

"Kotori...  I'm sorry..."  It was a whisper under her breath.

 

Kotori was glad that her arms had turned to rubber, otherwise she might have thrown them around Umi.  She had to keep telling herself that it wasn't the right time as she pushed past Umi and strode away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm burning through all this angst as quickly as I can. Umi's got to learn that she can't sass the bird and get away with it. Brighter days are coming.
> 
> [Update] So I rushed this out last night and made several errors, they've been fixed now.


	4. Lost At Sea

The day began early as always.  Umi assisted her mother in her studio, working with a group of beginners on a simple _Noh Mai_ dance.  As her mother observed and instructed, Umi stood at the head of the class performing the routine.

 

She had performed this particular dance many times, it was standard for beginners but she enjoyed it.  The focus was on slow elegant movements, the music fading away as she methodically walked through the steps until they became a path she treaded naturally. 

 

She barely noticed as the rest of the class began to follow suit.

 

Last year she had showed Kotori this dance, here in this very room.  She had watched Umi carefully before trying to mimic the steps herself, then it had been Umi's turn to stand back and watch.  She hadn't been surprised at how quickly her friend had picked it up, she had a natural grace, good balance and co-ordination.  It had been a pleasure to watch and after a while she began to move through the steps beside Kotori. 

 

For a few minutes they had mirrored each other, they had been _in sync_. 

 

Looking back Umi found a certain intimacy in the memory that she hadn't been aware of until now.  She wondered if Kotori had felt the same then...  And now.

 

Now they seemed very much out of line, Umi supposed.  So off-kilter.

 

She wished she could go back to that dance, to be able to re-create it now.  The truth would become clear in the way Kotori moved.  A language through which Umi could understand what she was missing.

 

Though the tone and pace had been different, there had certainly been something in the way she had furiously chased Umi through the pool the other day.  Back and forth, up and down.  Something so wild in her pursuit.

 

 _Relentless_. That had been it.

 

She wondered if it was really a physical fatigue that had stopped her or the sight of her pursuer at every turn.  The grinding realization that this was something she could not shake off.

 

Umi felt a hand on her shoulder.  She paused and turned to face her mother, who had stopped her mid-step.

 

"Are you okay?"  She asked.

 

Umi glanced around, the rest of the class were cautiously working through the routine step-by-step, no one was looking at her.  No doubt she had lost her focus, a misstep only apparent to her mother.

 

"No...  I'm..."

 

What was she?  Or who?  Certainly not who she had been a few weeks ago.

 

A certain kiss had changed all of that. 

 

A certain taste that still lingered on her lips. 

 

A phantom feeling.

 

"...Just feeling a bit dizzy."

 

"Take a break, dear.  I can handle the rest of the lesson."

 

Umi nodded, that sounded like a good idea.  A logical suggestion.  She could hold onto logical things...

 

But as she walked away she couldn't help but notice the concern in her mother's eyes, it had been growing, day-by-day lately.  Sooner or later she was going guess it, she had already asked why Kotori hadn't been around in such a long time.

 

_Why is that again?_

*******************

 

Late morning Umi went for a long run in what she knew would be a vain attempt to clear her head. 

 

Passing through the shrine she ran into Honoka and Eli.  Literally in Honoka's case, they turned the same corner from opposite directions and crashed into each other, collapsing into a heap.

 

As it turned out, once she had regained her composure, her fellow μ's member were out for exercise themselves and they invited Umi to join them for a few laps around the neighbourhood.  They probably thought she needed the company, maybe it was the way she had apologized to Honoka for bumping into her without a lecture on spatial awareness.

 

As they ran Honoka kept glancing back at her, probably wondering why she wasn't being harried about student council work.  There were, as always, things to harry Honoka about but Umi didn't have the heart for it.

 

As her feet pounded against the asphalt, Umi couldn't ignore what a sad state she had been reduced to.  Here was the proof, letting Honoka literally run away from her and a good chastening.  What was the world coming to? 

 

They took break while passing through a nearby park.  Eli generously bought three bottles of water from a refreshment stand for each of them.

 

Umi gulped the bottle empty, relishing the cool liquid against the dry-burn of her throat.

 

She watched Honoka do the same.

 

That was a stupid mistake.  You don't drink too much all at once when you're dehydrated, you have to pace yourself.  What a silly thing to do...  For her to do as well, she realised.

 

Umi frowned.  Mistake after mistake.

 

"Okay?"  Eli asked, noticing her grimace.

 

"No."

 

Oddly, for the second time today Umi found herself unable to answer that question in the affirmative.

 

"What's up?"  Honoka asked.

 

"Oh, as if you don't know..."  She had meant to snap but the words barely left her lips.  Both of her friends still heard them.

 

"That swimming record, huh?"

 

Umi looked up at Honoka, A very sharp admonishment ready.  But when she saw the concerned look in her friend's eyes she remembered that Honoka was capable of tact every now and then.

 

"Yeah..."  Umi sighed.  " _That record_."

 

"Well, at least you tried to hold on."  Eli offered.

 

Neither of them were going to just _say it._

_You fucked up._

 

That being said, at least they weren't trying to pretend it hadn't happened. 

 

Umi had been wary of the rest of the girls for the last few days, she wasn't sure if people were 'picking sides'.  She didn't honestly think so and she knew Kotori wouldn't encourage anything like that, it wasn't in her nature.  So despite a little beating around the bush it felt good to know that she still had her friends.

 

"I think that was my mistake."  Umi murmured.

 

"Maybe."  Eli replied as she walked over to a patch of grass and laid down.

 

Umi followed her, along with Honoka. 

 

After the last few dry days the grass felt soft beneath her, brushing against her forearms and reminding her of summer days just past. 

 

The winter sun was faint but welcome, the sight also reminiscent of a time not long past when she had not felt so conflicted, but the relative coolness brought her back to the present.

 

Laying here, it felt like she was drifting further from any kind of answer.  It's not like she even understood the question...

 

"What are you going to do?"  Honoka asked suddenly.

 

"What can I do?"  Umi couldn't keep her turmoil from spilling out into her voice.  "I don't even know why..."  But she couldn't bring herself to _actually_ say it either.

 

Neither of her friends said anything for a while.

 

Eli chuckled.  "You're probably talking to the worst people anyway."

 

"Speak for yourself."  Honoka moaned in an exaggerated manner.

 

Umi laughed, just a little.  It felt good, like a sound she had forgotten.

 

" _Oh, Tsubasa-chan..._ "  Eli began to mimic with liberal dose of exaggeration.

 

Honoka groaned loudly, rolling side-to-side, as if to block it out.

 

" _I've been listening to your new single SO much._ "

 

Honoka's hand struck the ground next to her but Eli safely rolled away.

 

"I'm NOT like that."

 

"You most certainly are."  Umi snapped.  "...Shameless..."

 

Eli began to laugh again as she got up.

 

"Keep this up and you can find a new leader."  Honoka sulked.

 

"Oh no!  Anything but that!"  Eli mocked.

 

"Yes, who else could strike the perfect ratio between watching TV and eating bread."  Umi deadpanned.

 

"It's not like either of you nerds could pull it off."  Honoka retorted.

 

" _Oh, Tsubasa-chan..._ "  Eli began again, leaning over Honoka.

 

Honoka sighed and Umi couldn't quite stifle her laughter.

 

" _Do you think...  If you'd like...  Could I join A-RISE?  Could you find room in your heart...  For me?_ "

 

Honoka scrambled to her feet, moaning and groaning at Eli's continued depiction of her character.

 

Umi knew she was no closer to an answer but at least it didn't seem to hang over her so prominently here, lying on the grass watching Honoka give chase to Eli.

 

******************

 

A few days later found Umi sitting in the clubroom after school along with Nico, Maki, Hanayo and Rin.

 

Eli and Nozomi were yet to arrive and she wasn't sure why Honoka and Kotori weren't there yet, she was totally clueless on the latter in fact.

 

There were a few topics to discuss, mostly regarding preparations for the preliminaries.  They were then scheduled to have a full group choreography session on the roof. 

 

That's the brief that Umi can remember anyway, maybe she's got it wrong, maybe someone changed it.  The plans that had once stood so firm in her mind tended to slip through her fingers these days.

 

"Umi."

 

More importantly, Kotori had seemed less frosty towards her over the last few days.  Not that Kotori was ever really _frosty_ before, she was too good at being civil, but it sometimes felt that way by comparison...  Or just...  The absence of her usual cheer...

 

"Umi, Nico needs to talk to you."

 

Was it for the better?  Who knew.  She wanted to believe that it was but her faith felt a little hollow right now.  Maybe what really bothered was that...

 

...Kotori didn't smile when she saw her anymore. 

 

It hurt.

 

"Umi-chan, Onigai!"  A voice whispered into her ear.

 

Umi was startled for moment before she came to and tried to swat Nico away.  Unfortunately the third-year was faster, ducking and laughing as she twirled out of reach with a smirk.

 

"Y-you weren't even there when that happened!"  Umi stammered.

 

"That doesn't make it any less hilarious."  Nico sniggered, taking a seat next to Umi.

 

"Yes...  Well...  We all know what a comedian you are."

 

_Wow, you sure gave her both barrels._

 

"Geez, Umi.  You're grumpier than Maki was this morning before she got her Nico-Nic..."

 

"Gross."  Maki, who was sitting across the table from them, didn't bother to look up from the book she was reading.

 

Nico grinned and then turned back to Umi with a wink. 

 

"But Nico digresses, back to that fateful evening when μ's was formed.  Now, as a purist, Nico believes the humour comes from how Kotori has you..."  Nico waved her hand in the air, as if trying to conjure the end of her sentence.  "Oh, thesaurus?"

 

Maki glanced up from her book and fixed Umi with a thoughtful stare.

 

"Marching to the beat of her drum."

 

She went back to her book with a dry chuckle. 

 

Umi glared at Maki. 

 

_What happened to you?_

Her steely gaze was broken as she flinched, a laughing Nico was thumping her shoulder.  Umi tried to brush her away but once again Nico danced out of range.

 

The laughter seemed to sting, it felt like the entire room was bubbling under at her expense.  She could feel her temper begin to spark as she tried rationalize.  It was normal to get irritated by Nico's jibes, in fact she was very good at eliciting that kind of response, even if it was just banter.  Just words...  But rather than just a minor irritation, Umi just felt a kind of...

Perhaps it was way they were bouncing off each other.  It reminded her of how Kotori had always been there to soften the blow whenever she had been too harsh or curb her temper if someone was trying to get under her skin.  She was always brokering peace.

 

She couldn't help but feel a little lost without her.

 

Still, she wouldn't stand for this.  She needed to get up off of the canvas and fight. 

 

Umi intensified her glare to red alert and targeted Maki once more.

 

"That's not what a thesaurus does and besides, that doesn't make any sense.  Kotori isn't a percussionist.  In the case of μ's I would be dancing to the beat of _your_ drum."  Umi gestured to Maki.

 

"You sure are."  Maki couldn't quite hide her smirk.

 

 _Oh god._  

 

A foil for Nico and Maki.  This was rock bottom. 

 

Umi muttered an obscenity.

 

"Awww, babe."  Nico cooed at Maki between chuckles.

 

"I told you, don't call me babe."

 

"Awww, _babe._ "

 

Maki growled at a remarkably similar pitch to Umi's muttering.

 

"You know, since you two are pretty much interchangeable, Nico could go out with both of you if you like?"  She was clearly enjoying herself, prancing around behind Umi.

 

"I'm not sure Umi would like that, nya!"  Rin spoke up suddenly.

 

"No, Rin-chan!  Don't say it."  Hanayo whispered.

 

On account of how Hanayo was desperately trying to stop Rin, this would be worth hearing Umi decided.

 

"And _why_ is that?"  Nico eyed Rin.

 

"Don't!  Maki won't like it!"  Hanayo made one last futile attempt.

 

Maki put her book down, glancing at her classmate in bewilderment.

 

Rin was not to be deterred however, her eyes were set as her lips twisted into a devious grin.  "She's not like Maki, I don't think she's into lollis!"

 

Time seemed to stand still for a few moments.  Umi could actually feel the immediate silence, and then, as time slowly caught up, she was in the perfect position to watch a volcano of rage erupt across Nico's face.

 

A blood-curdling scream followed. 

 

Nico gave chase to Rin, who was (wisely) already up and sprinting around to the other side of the room.

 

In the ensuing pandemonium Maki simply crumpled, putting her head down in her hands upon the table.

 

Even the ever-agile Rin could only escape Nico for so long and they finally clashed, well...  Umi would politely refer to it as _roughhousing._

As the ensuing conflict played out, with Hanayo desperately trying to separate them, Umi realised something; they were acting disorderly in the clubroom right under her nose without fear of reprimand.  What's more, she didn't feel the need to interrupt.

 

Sonoda Umi, the once-proud disciplinarian.  How she had fallen.

 

 _This_ was rock bottom.

 

Eli and Nozomi arrived shortly afterwards, curious as to why Nico and Rin were tangled up in a fight to the death.  Umi told them, much to Nico's chagrin.  That at least felt like some form of retribution.

 

Some resolution was found thanks to Nozomi (after she managed to stop laughing) and Umi didn't have to explain it again when Honoka and Kotori showed up.  She wouldn't have minded though.

 

The topic of conversation shifted towards the possibility of a new song for the preliminaries.  The idea of a love song came up and Umi immediately sensed something untoward coming her way.

 

And it sure did.

 

Apparently, the reason they didn't have a love song was because, as Nozomi so helpfully pointed out, Umi had never been in a relationship. 

 

Umi didn't really help matters by refusing confirm or deny this fact. 

 

Why?

 

Because Kotori started  _freaking out_.

 

At first Umi wasn't sure if she was being mocked, if Kotori was trying to get under her skin, but there was something about her voice, a kind of desperation when Umi wouldn't deny it, at the possibility of there being _someone else_.  And then the tears were primed, forming around the edge of her eyes and Umi felt herself sinking deeper and deeper, grasping at the real reason why hadn't just admitted the truth.

 

The others bundled around her in a display of rampant curiosity but it was Kotori who caught her, she seemed to take up her entire field of vision.  To have her so suddenly captivated, it felt...

 

In the end she gave it up and when Kotori uttered her relief Umi felt it too, even as she tried to palm the others off.

 

Perhaps it made sense.  If roles were reversed how would she have reacted?  Even, or especially in the context of current events, the idea of Kotori being with someone else...  Having someone else...  Even thinking about someone else that way...

 

_What way?_

But wasn't that inevitable one day?  That's what was meant to happen, the _natural order of things_.

 

Later, as they practised up on the roof, Umi found she couldn't take her eyes off Kotori. 

 

It suddenly became so clear; _the absence._

The thing she had taken for granted.

 

As she once had, she looked for meaning in the way Kotori moved, in the lines of her face and the tone of her voice.  There was more than one question there but they all held the same answer.

 

The thing she missed the most.

 

There was a lie Umi had been telling herself for some time now. 

 

The truth itself wasn't ugly so much as was the way she had uncovered it made her feel. 

 

The fading day didn't give them much time to practise but Umi still spent most of it stealing looks at the person who hadn't left her thoughts for months, maybe years.

 

Had she kept looking during the moments where she instead tried to focus on the task at hand she would have seen a soft pair of amber eyes looking back.

 

That night, alone in her room, Umi considered that those missed looks felt like the greatest absence of all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter may take a while. We're going on the war path.


	5. Oxygen Mask

After the initial blood rush of beating Umi, which came the next day when her blood had started actually flowing again, Kotori realised that she didn't really know what to do next.

 

On one hand she had taken a stand and certainly ruffled Umi's feathers.  There was distinct change apparent to everyone and Umi had clicked, had seen beyond all doubt that there was something deeply wrong with their relationship.

 

It was something.  Better than the apathy both of them had been sinking into.

 

But the way Umi had acted by the edge of the pool concerned her; Kotori had never seen her friend so loose with her emotions, like a kaleidoscope shifting from anger to utter defeat. 

 

More than that, the way Umi's voice had broken had stuck with Kotori.  For the last few days it was a jagged sound that called to her from afar, whispering her name around corners and echoing through hallways.

 

Perhaps that was why she had relented from further provocation ever since, had almost gone back to normal.

 

 _Almost_ , because a part of her still refused to be the person she had once been.  She refused to submit or hide.

 

She needed another opening, an opportunity to...  Well, that was the question.  What did she want Umi to do?  Confess her love?  

 

Maybe she just didn't feel that way. 

 

Break it all off with spite?

 

Maybe she just didn't feel that strongly about Kotori either way.

 

Whatever the case Kotori wasn't convinced she was going to admit it by being cajoled or forced.

 

No, it was going to take something...

 

"Kotori..?"    

 

How long she had fallen into a daze this time?

 

"Kotori, are you okay?"  Kotori looked up as Hanayo softly called her name.

 

It had been a few days since the clash at the pool and the other girls (with the exception of Nico and Honoka, for better or worst) were a tad wary of her.

 

"...Sorry..."  The words barely left her lips.

 

"Kotori!"  Nico was in her face, grabbing her by the shoulder and shaking her violently.

 

"Kotori-chan, wake up!"  Honoka joined in.

 

_Maybe you should do this to Umi?_

"I-I'm fine!  I'm fine!"  Kotori spluttered.

 

"Honoka!  She's awake!"  Hanayo was frantically trying to untangle Nico and Honoka from Kotori.

 

"Phew!"  Honoka gave an exaggerated sigh of relief as she took her seat.

 

"I was just telling you about my new pose: _hyper_ _Tokyo_ _girl_!"  Nico was shaking her head in dismay at Kotori.

 

"Maybe that's what did it..."  Honoka mumbled.

 

"What was that?"  Nico smiled a little bit too sweetly, on the verge of bearing her teeth.

 

"N-nevermind that, why are..."  Hanayo interrupted.

 

"So what did you think?"  Nico quickly cut back in.

 

"Err..."  Kotori looked to Hanayo for an answer but the younger girl looked as bewildered as her.  "I...  W-well...  I suppose I...  Prefer the classic..."

 

Nico nodded and sighed.

 

"Maki says the same..."

 

"I bet she does."  Honoka murmured.

 

Nico ignored her and carried on.  "...That's the problem with coming up with a stone-cold classic as your first idol pose.  Nico blames herself."  Nico sighed again, more heavily this time to accentuate her disappointment for the rest of the room.

 

After a few moments Hanayo glanced between Nico and Honoka in confusion.

 

"Why are you two here?"

 

Once a week, while the others worked on general fitness training, Hanayo, Kotori and Maki would meet in the clubroom after school to work on vocal arrangements and melodies based on drafts of Maki's songs.  However, for some reason, Honoka and Nico had arrived this evening, while Maki was conspicuously absent.

 

"I'm here to support Kotori-chan!"  Honoka announced.

 

"W-well...  Okay..."  Hanayo seemed to be struggling to comprehend the situation.

 

"What?"  Kotori turned to her friend.

 

"Nico too!"  Nico joined in.

 

"Where is Maki?"  Hanayo asked Nico.

 

"I'm filling in for her.  Don't worry, Nico taught her everything she knows."

 

"You just said you were here for Kotori-chan."  Honoka shot a suspicious look in Nico's direction.

 

"Nico's here for multiple reasons, she's a busy girl."  Nico retorted.

 

"Okay, okay."  Hanayo immediately began to mediate.  "Did you bring the music files?"

 

"Sure did."  Nico proclaimed, holding out a glittery pink USB stick.

 

Hanayo took it and plugged it into her laptop, open and running on the desk next to her.  She turned back to Kotori and then froze, an unspoken question on her lips.

 

_Did you bring the lyrics?_

Of course.  She wasn't Umi's trusted courier anymore.

 

"Um...  I brought these..."  Honoka mumbled as she took several sheets of paper out of her bag and handed them to Hanayo.

 

_Ah, yes.  That makes sense._

 

Hanayo sorted through the lyric sheets and then handed copies corresponding to the first song they were going through back out.  They were one copy short so Nico and Honoka had to (grudgingly) share. 

 

When Hanayo turned to Kotori she looked _so_ apologetic, as if she were carrying out some final act of betrayal as she handed the lyric sheet over. 

 

Kotori tried to brush it off, it was silly thing to let get to her at all.  Really, it was the type of childish dig Kotori had been poking Umi with for the last month at least...

 

...Except this one seemed to have an edge, a tiny admission that Umi didn't trust her anymore.

 

Then again, maybe this was how she had been making Umi feel for weeks now.  The thought sat uncomfortably with her as she tried to focus on the task at hand.

 

"The two of you are going to have to work hard to make up for Maki."  Kotori jibed, in an attempt to lighten the mood.

 

"I think we all know it's Maki-chan who's going to have to step up to emulate Nico next time."  Nico winked.

 

"Time will tell, I'm expecting a lot."  Hanayo smiled.

 

Honoka gulped and looked between Kotori and Hanayo.  "Really?  I-I'll try my best...  Will there be a test at the end of the lesson?"

 

Hanayo glanced at Honoka in bafflement.  "Yes."  She said quickly before loading up a file.

 

The first song had a light jazz feel, still bouncy enough in its tempo for a typical μ's fare but Kotori could hear the richness in the sound, even from the tinny speakers of Hanayo's laptop.  She sat back and let it wash over her, marking out moments in her mind, feeling out the song structure.

 

When it was finished Hanayo played the song again.  This time Kotori glanced through the lyrics as she listened.

 

_But now we are crumbling._

_And I'll never get the chance to say what it means,_

_to have you my love, depend on me._

_To live all those days so joyfully._

It seemed like a mismatch to the music; most people would think that.  But Kotori could see it, she could hear it. 

 

It was the way you could hide your sadness in laughter, in the ebb and flow of a brighter song. 

 

If you made light of things you didn't understand they didn't seem so imposing anymore.  Even things you didn't want to understand.

 

The lyric sheet fell away, slipping through her fingers. 

 

She felt exactly as she had at the pool, when she had walked away from Umi; her body falling apart, her mind retreating.

 

_Running away._

 

She looked up; Honoka and Nico were tussling over the lyrics sheet, too busy to notice.  That was probably a good thing...

 

"Hey."

 

She felt a slight warmth and looked down.  A hand was on her wrist.

 

Suddenly her limbs didn't feel so numb.

 

For a moment she didn't want to look up; she wanted to believe that it was that certain someone.

 

Instead she found the steady eyes of her junior.  They were surprisingly calm, and Kotori could see something there that caught her, an understanding that could only come from someone who had treaded the same path.

 

"Just give it time."  She whispered to Kotori under the hum of the music.

 

"Yeah...  I know."

 

"If...  If she's really the person you think she is...  She'll figure it out."  Hanayo murmured as the song finished.

 

She was right.  When people care they come through for you, right?

 

It sounded so simple...

 

Kotori was jerked out of her thoughts as Nico's phone went off suddenly, a familiar jingle these days.  They all knew the score.

 

"That's Maki."  Honoka announced.

 

"Pipe down."  Nico snapped.  "And _no, it's not_."

 

She glanced down at her phone and then looked back up at the room.

 

"I have to go."  Nico stood up, gathering her bag.

 

"Why?  And where is Maki?"  Hanayo asked.

 

"Err...  I, err...  Idol business.  It's on a Nico-to-know basis!"

 

"Sure it is..."  Honoka rolled her eyes.

 

Nico swung her bag over her shoulder in a wide arc, hitting Honoka's face in the process.

 

"Nico's _so sorry_ about that."  She added with a sugar-sweet smile before dashing out of the room.

 

"Hey!"  Honoka called out, rubbing her jaw.  She turned back to Hanayo in outrage.  "She skipped the test!"

 

Hanayo nodded in sympathy before turning back to Kotori.

 

"Just think, that could be you one day."  She smiled, motioning towards Nico's hasty exit.

 

Even as she laughed, Kotori thought about the look on Nico face as she'd read the message from Maki.  The way her eyes had lit up...  That was what she was waiting for. 

 

*********************

 

The next few days seemed like a series of traps lying in wait to catch Kotori out.  She had tried to take Hanayo's advice, to leave things be but it seemed that fate (Nozomi) had other ideas.

 

First of all, the group discussed the idea of writing a love song for the upcoming Love Live preliminaries.  The girls (Nozomi) deduced that the reason they didn't have a dedicated love song was because Umi, scribe of the group's lyrics, hadn't been in a relationship of which to write about.

 

Kotori would admit that the whole subject rattled her slightly but she didn't really make a fuss.  Well...

 

...Certainly not until Umi started _freaking out._

She wouldn't deny it.  In fact, to Kotori it seemed like she was practically saying that there _was_ someone.

 

_Someone else._

 

Now, a rational girl like Kotori _knew_ that this was nonsense.

 

She _knew it._

 

She comprehensively knew that Umi did _not_ have a boyfriend or girlfriend or lover or crush or paramour or partner or significant other or...  Anyone.  Kotori _knew_.

 

Unfortunately that didn't stop her from...  Maybe, just maybe...  Getting a little bit worked up about Umi lying.

 

 _Lying_ ; as in not just one lie but continually lying.  Because she didn't just deny it once.

 

Oh, and you want to know how Kotori knew that Umi was lying?  Because she wouldn't have been able to keep it from her, Umi's best friend.  So there.  Case closed.

 

But it wasn't case closed because Umi wouldn't admit it!

 

"Umi-chan..?"

 

As she stepped towards Umi she could hear her own voice coming from what seemed like miles away.  Her vision seemed to blur...

 

...But the whole sorry affair didn't need further recounting, needless to say Umi eventually admitted the truth and that was that.

 

The following day brought a frankly bizarre idea of Nozomi's to light; to practise confessions to camera to put the girls in the romantic mind-frame.

 

Needless to say, Kotori sidestepped that massacre-in-waiting.  Luckily Nico and Maki put on a series of equally bizarre performances to distract the whole group from her predicament. 

 

In-between making a fuss of alpacas, Kotori noted the best moment came from Nico (with her hair down, important to note) approaching the camera with the promise of...  Lets just call it _a gift._   With each step Nico took towards the camera Maki's normally composed expression began to crack as she fought the urge to turn and flee.

 

Later on the group agreed that perhaps it hadn't been the right tool for the prescribed task.

 

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at Eli's insistence.  Even distracted as she was, Kotori found it a little odd how the blonde was suddenly so focused on a new song and the subject matter it concerned.  Regardless, they decided to meet at Honoka's house to brainstorm.

 

On the anointed day someone (Nozomi) came up with the idea of 'reviewing material' to 'set the tone'; all said with a remarkably straight face, as always.  Well, maybe there was a hint of a gleeful smile here and there.

 

Kotori really should have seen it coming when Nozomi showed her a few 'references' she had brought along with her, a few romance novels and DVDs.

 

At this point it's important to remember that Kotori really was innocent to begin with.  And maybe Nozomi was to, because even by her standards of nefarious scheming it was hard to see how she had pulled this one out of the bag.

 

After catching up on where they were, the main sentiment of which was helpfully acted by Honoka, Nozomi leaned over and murmured into Kotori's ear that a romantic film might be a good idea and passed her a DVD.

 

Kotori wasn't sure why Nozomi was speaking to _her_ out of everyone but a few moments later it seemed like a good opportunity to stop the bickering that Nico had started (and would inevitably escalate) with said purple-haired third-year.

 

"Why don't we try a film for inspiration?"  She offered to the group, holding the DVD case up for all to see.

 

Umi, who had been sitting beside her, turned to look at her.   Her eyes suddenly went wide.

 

Kotori didn't even need to look at the cover, she could practically see it reflected in Umi's eyes.  The realisation of what she had just done, along with what was going to follow hit her like a sucker punch.

 

And once again, it's important to understand that Kotori honestly had nothing to do with it...  But, well...  Hanayo and Eli agreed vigorously to the idea while Nico and Maki didn't argue against it, which had really been Kotori's last hope.  It was too late to stop it

 

The first title card was a body-blow.

 

It wasn't even like it had been _that_ long since the cinema.  Had they been rushing the DVD release just for this excruciating moment?  Had Nozomi pressed the distributor for an advanced copy?

 

Kotori fixed her gaze straight-ahead at the TV screen.  Turning around was to be avoided at all costs because if Umi wasn't staring daggers at her then there would be a very pointed accusation in her eyes at the very least. 

 

At this point maybe the latter was the worst.

 

Beside her, Hanayo and Eli were quickly sucked into the film.  Nico tried to remain uninterested but she couldn't quite pull herself away from the plot's cloying melodrama.  Maki watched on with a blank stare, occasionally shaking her head and rolling her eyes at Nico whenever she got a little bit too absorbed in the film.

 

Kotori began to lose herself in her own way.  It wasn't so much the film itself as the memories of her prior viewing that poked and prodded their way into her head as she watched; glances of Umi sitting next to her.  How she squirmed or closed her eyes as the on-screen romance intensified.  It was kind of cute...  Or maybe she found it alluring, a kind of innocence.

 

Then there was how she had leaned over the side of her seat and Umi had turned to her, their faces mere inches apart.

 

It had been a strange sensation.  Not to touch, just to look.  Just being close was enough.  She had wanted to prolong it but couldn't stop herself from leaning in further...

 

It seemed like a faded secret now, lost in the animosity that began to grow from what followed.

 

But in those few close moments there had been a simple truth; no matter what, she would only ever be able to look at one person that way.

 

There was at least one similarity in this screening of the film; the end came just as abruptly as Umi, who had retreated to the back of the room, began to cry out as the romance concluded in the final act of the film.

 

With the importance of remaining honest in mind, Kotori would admit that it was at that point that she let herself go for just a moment.

 

"Why are you hiding?  It's not scary."  She said, trying not to smile.

 

"Yeah, it's such a touching scene."  Eli chimed in.

 

"It's not...  It's...  It's wrong!"  Umi shot back form the other side of the room.

 

The desperation in her voice made Kotori wonder exactly what it was she found so awkward?  Was it just the physicality or was there something else?

 

A few moments later Umi sprang into action, dashing in and stopping the film, just barely sparing them all from the long-awaited final kiss.

 

She explained why between deep flustered breathes.  It was shameless, it was this and it was that. 

 

But the way she took great effort to avoid ever catching Kotori's eye told another story.  Perhaps they had been reliving the same memories, sliced in two and diverse in how fondly they were recalled.

 

It stoked a streak of anger that had only recently been laid low in Kotori.  She could feel a grimace pulling the taut calmness masking her face.

 

Hanayo was looking at her, concern clouding her eyes. 

 

Though try as she might that easy smile wouldn't come, she couldn't just brush it off.

 

Sooner rather than later, this feeling was going to run its course.

 

Thankfully, for the moment, Honoka was there to distract them all with impeccable timing as she woke up and explained to everyone exactly why the film had put her and Rin to sleep.

 

*********************

 

Maki didn't say much when she called, only that she should head over to Nozomi's when possible. 

 

Maybe she said more and Kotori just missed it.  It didn't seem to matter, it was a welcome distraction. 

 

Honestly, as Kotori put on her coast she couldn't even remember why they were meeting at Nozomi's.

 

Ever since reliving that swirl of memories earlier in the afternoon Kotori had been...  _Lacking_ , growing gradually detached from whatever was in front of her.

 

She had tried to work on some costume designs but a relentless irritation had burrowed its way through her skull.

 

She needed to get out.

 

Of course, when she got to Nozomi's she assumed the person who was at the root of all of this would be there as well, and who would provide the distraction from that?

 

_Distractions, distractions, distractions._

 

Hadn't she been a focused and pro-active person just a few months ago?  When had she started living between ways out of every interaction and task in front of her?

 

She felt like a shade of her former self.  The thought made it difficult to consider why she was even going to Nozomi's beyond that it got her out of her room.

 

When she arrived she found out that it all came back to this love song business.

 

Kotori wasn't against the idea...  But maybe the affirmation of any romance was about as foreign as anything could get to her right now.

 

She wondered around Nozomi's apartment for a time as the others arrived, idly wondering what it would be like to live on her own like her senior.

 

Perhaps it was conductive to a lonely existence, she thought.  Could you convalesce all alone?

 

Later, as she prepared a few cups of sweet tea in the kitchen, Nozomi caught her looking for stirring spoons. 

 

She opened a draw and took one out, passing it to Kotori.

 

"You look a little lost."  Nozomi observed.

 

"And now I'm found."  Kotori smiled faintly as she took the spoon.

 

She finished preparing the tea as Nozomi hovered in the corner of her eye.

 

"Did you enjoy the film earlier?"

 

Kotori paused and looked up.

 

"I've never caught the ending, you know."  Kotori replied.

 

"Hmmm...  Me neither.  I could only speculate on how it ends."

 

That familiar mischievous look in Nozomi's eyes put Kotori on her toes.

 

"Well, I wouldn't know..."  Kotori began.

 

" _I think_...  Everything ends at some point, you know what I mean?"  Nozomi interrupted.

 

"Was that in your cards?"  Kotori passed a cup of tea over.

 

"No, no.  This is a Tojo special."  Nozomi smirked before she took a sip.

 

They stood, drinking in silence for a minute or two.

 

_Everything ends._

Nozomi's words scared her a little.  They had a certain ring to them in her mind, like they reflected some sentiment that she had been pondering over for the last few days.

 

"But I think it's sad when things end."  Kotori finally spoke up.

 

She felt a hand on her shoulder.

 

"Only until you realize that's when something else begins."

 

Kotori felt the her shoulder being squeezed.  Inside it felt like something deep down was being twisted and rung out.

 

"Like this cup."  Nozomi handed her empty cup to Kotori.

 

"W-what?"

 

"This cup of tea is finished, so now you can wash it.  You see?"  Nozomi chuckled.

 

"Thanks a lot."  Kotori sighed.

 

The buzzer at the front door rang out.

 

"Well, we're only missing one person, so we both know who that is."

 

Nozomi smiled softly as she walked off to let her last visitor in.

 

Kotori glanced down at her tea, gazing at her own small reflection held within the confines of the cup.  She blew gently and it became distorted, fragments of her face carried back and forth by ripples. 

 

You could have mistaken her for someone else.

 

_Everything ends._

 

********************

 

Everyone started shouting when it started snowing.  Well, Honoka started shouting but she could have made you believe it was everyone.

 

They all started to run outside and Kotori had the sudden urge to go with them.

 

She didn't want to be left alone.

 

The night outside was silent and cold, but that only seemed to crystallise how beautiful is was; the way the snow brushed off the girl's hair, the mist that rose from your lips to dissipate in the endless black of the night sky and most of all, the rosy cheeks and the way that Umi looked...

 

Under the falling snow, glimmering stars and night sky she looked at home.

 

And the way she looked at Kotori.  What was that?

 

And then Kotori realised.  It was how she didn't look away, didn't seem ashamed to be staring at her.

 

It felt like as age had passed since that had happened.

 

She had, at best, a vague recollection of everything that had happened since they had all ran outside the apartment.  She didn't know where the others were and for once it didn't matter. 

 

Maybe they had all drifted away in the snow.

 

There was just the two of them, she was sure.

 

She stepped towards Umi and for a moment there was rush, everything she had been thinking and feeling since...  Forever.  All about this one girl.

 

It stopped with the next step because everything has to end. 

 

It was just Kotori and Umi now.

 

Umi looked on clear and calm, almost impassive save for the focus of her eyes as Kotori stood before her.

 

"Do you want to runaway from me again?"  Kotori asked.  "There's no train to carry you away this time."

 

"Kotori...  I..."

 

She knew there was more but she had to speak, she had to press on.

 

"I'm not afraid of you."

 

Umi looked at her in surprise.  It was the first time her expression had shifted since they had stepped outside.

 

"I don't want you to ever be afraid of me."  Umi said.

 

"And I'm not afraid of how I feel."

 

Umi nodded but remained silent.

 

"I don't want you to think about me just in the way you used to...  Because that's not just who I am...  Anymore."

 

Umi exhaled sharply, and for a moment the mist obscured her face.  But Kotori needed to see Umi so she pushed close because some things have to begin anew.

 

When she grasped at the collar of Umi's coat, Umi's hands reflexively went to her waist.

 

Their faces were even closer than the last time and it took everything Kotori had not to close the gap.  She had to get this out, this one last thing.

 

"When you kissed me...  It was everything I ever wanted."

 

Even thought she was silent Kotori could feel Umi's body shaking, her breath rattling through her chest...  And how wide her eyes were.  She peered into them, looking for something deep down in the girl she loved, into her heart of hearts.

 

Kotori wasn't sure how long they stayed like, it could have been seconds or it could have been years, the place they inhabited in time felt closed off.  She found herself enveloped in the dark gold of Umi's eyes.

 

"Do you..."  She breathed.

 

But she let the words go as Umi leaned forward and crossed the last divide between them.

 

When their lips met there were no words that could describe it.

 

Her heart was racing and then it seemed to stop, her breath caught in her throat.  She clung on and could feel the tears spill down her cheek, warmer than they should have been.

 

It was like a waking dream.  Their lips parted for just a moment and Umi looked up at her, eyes so full, brimming with affection and desperation.

 

Kotori pushed their lips together again, but she wanted to gaze into Umi's eyes again, but she wanted the kiss to never end. 

 

She let it enfold her.  She could breathe again.

 

There was so much to do, so much to say.  But no, she wanted to stay in this moment.   

 

For as long as she could remember a part of her had been waiting here and now she had finally arrived. 

 

There was no rush.

 

Everything would begin, everything would bloom.

 

All in its own time.


	6. Come Clean

Since they had parted Umi felt somewhat hollow. 

 

Maybe, for the first time in her life she felt truly lonely.

 

She had walked home with her mind caught between the present, past and future.  She wasn't quite sure what she had done last night or what she was going to do tomorrow morning.

 

That led her to her current state; laying in bed, wide awake and staring at the ceiling as the moonlight gradually shifted into dawn.

 

Whenever she tried to remember what had happened the details seemed to elude her.  But she knew that it had happened because she felt _changed_.

 

Again, it was hard to say how exactly but it was there, before she had been like the snow they had weathered; forever falling, changing and shifting.  She couldn't be touched, always drifting away from places or feelings.  But laying here she felt like a sculpture, moulded by another's hands and set in a new permanent shape.  The parts of her that had once eluded even herself felt rigid, almost jagged to touch and she wasn't quite sure how to handle it.

 

There was only one person who could help her.  However, the night had separated them and despite how patiently Umi waited, without any real desire of sleep, it simply wasn't going away fast enough.

 

One thing that sat uncomfortably in her mind, with the luxury of hindsight, was that this had only happened now.  In her current solitude she now saw that she had been ignoring Kotori's affections for some time.  It seemed so obvious, the hints had been left out for only her and she had wilfully passed them by, eyes turned away.

 

 _Why?_   Seemed the obvious question.

 

Because she hadn't understood what it had meant, how it would feel.  That seemed the obvious answer.

 

Umi prided herself on her sense of courage and dignity.  To realize that she had been so ignorant and cowardly...

 

_Running away._

It was a sore subject to grasp.

 

However, it did enlighten her to a perception of her friend that she had held to; that Kotori weaker than her, physically and mentally.

 

She had seen a physical frailty and blinded herself to the powers of self-improvement.

 

She had mistaken kindness and consideration for a lack of mental fortitude.

 

She had taken a silent desire to see her friends happy as a lack of personal ambition.

 

The truth simply put; she had seen the softness in her friend as a girl and defined her by it.  In doing so she had blinded herself to the woman Kotori had become.

 

The failings she had so suddenly revealed in herself were startling.

 

Change must come. 

 

She would not be deceived by her own pride again, Umi silently promised herself.

 

*********************

 

Having reached some sort of personal resolution within herself, Umi had hoped the morning would draw closer with added haste.

 

Unfortunately that had not been case, and though she may have drifted off for a few minutes here and there, the rest of the night had been spent laying in stoic silence with an undercurrent of anticipation bubbling away.

 

An hour before her alarm was set to go off Umi finally gave up and decided to go for a light run.  It was still dark out and her parents would chastise her for heading out so early but she desperately needed to stretch her legs and free her mind.

 

Besides, if anyone did try to accost her she had no doubt that she would beat whoever it was senseless, for they would stand between her and seeing Kotori.

 

The excitement of what was to come gave her weary muscles power and everything seemed to fall into place and she sped through the early-morning streets.  The air had never seemed so fresh, the winter chill had never seemed so life-affirming and the thawing concrete and snow gave off a sweet scent reminiscent of an awakening...  And maybe a hint of the usual city smells (i.e. damp garbage) Umi would admit in the interests of being honest.

 

She felt revitalized as she returned home and, in keeping with her mood, her phone chimed with a message from the person who occupied her thoughts.

 

 **Kotori:** Can I meet you early? 

 

 **Umi:** Of course.

 

Umi quickly showered and dressed, agreeing to catch an earlier train to see Kotori in between as she darted back and forth across her room.

 

With a time and place in mind she suddenly she felt so clumsy, so unsure.  Her hands were always firm but now they shook with the simplest of chores.  There was a thrill to it though, almost as though she wasn't quite in control anymore.

 

It should bother her, she realized.  It should have scared her that she was hurtling towards something unknown.

 

But she knew she couldn't resist as she ran out of the house and towards the station. 

 

Now it seemed like every moment alone was a moment wasted.     

 

*********************

 

She felt so tense, sitting upright with hands planted on her knees as she silently urged the train onward.

 

It wouldn't be long now.

 

As the train slowed down her heartbeat sped up.  It was hammering against her ribs. 

 

There was a sense of panic spiralling somewhere within.

 

It blossomed as they pulled into the station. 

 

Her eyes went wide as the doors opened.

 

Then, as she saw her, everything went silent and still. 

 

She could feel herself smiling.

 

Kotori was smiling as well.  She wore it naturally, a simple thing that spoke of beauty.

 

She sat down next to Umi, close.  Their thighs touched and Umi felt her leg go rigid.

 

Kotori took her hand and their fingers intertwined.  There was a rush of warmth.  Not that she had really felt the cold bite of the winter morning, maybe this was more like thawing from a numbness. 

 

Kotori leaned against Umi, resting her head in the crook of Umi's neck. 

 

Umi became aware of a hardness in her torso, it was uncomfortable but...  Then Kotori kissed her, a subtle move, brushing her lips against Umi's cheek, hidden within the folds of their scarves as they rustled and folded together.

 

She felt so awake.

 

*******************

 

When she had been running it had seemed like the world was stirring with her anticipation but now, as they walked towards Otonokizaka, she felt as though they were under a spell and everything had regressed, freezing over once more, except for the two of them.

 

They were early, far too early even for Umi's rigorous standards, but despite appearing deserted the school was open.

 

They went inside but ended up back outside, on the roof where they had spent so many practises sneaking glances at each other.  The tension when they had touched; running through the steps and motions required or helping each other stretch; it all seemed kind of funny now, like actors in a play where they didn't understand the sub-text.

 

They still hadn't said a thing to each other, the silence was too comfortable.  So much had been said last night that perhaps they needed time together without words to adjust.  To feel each other out anew.

 

Even so, as she stood next to Kotori at the edge of the roof, it felt like the world seemed to be caught in stillness, like it was waiting for something before it would roll on regardless of if either of them was ready for it presently.

 

"I'm sorry I made all of this...  I made it all so hard on you."

 

Okay, maybe not the most romantic beginning but it needed to be said.  It had been gnawing on Umi's mind since the moment after they had parted.

 

Kotori began to laugh quietly and leaned in against Umi.

 

She could feel Kotori gently vibrating against her, her shoulder rubbing against her's.  It was a good feeling, a refreshing sound.

 

All of a sudden it was as though everything came to life with it, assaulting her senses for a moment; the sound of birds squawking, the feel of the breeze and the scents of the morning breathing all around them.

 

"You are _so dense_ sometimes."

 

"Oh, come on..."  She didn't like to hear it.

 

But the evidence was right here, she supposed.

 

"You are.  But it's okay, I really love you."

 

She just threw it out there, still laughing.  It made Umi weak at the knees and she began to lean more on Kotori than vice-versa.

 

"A-are...  I mean, are you...  Should you say that...  Now?"

 

"If not now then when?"

 

Kotori turned to her.  Their faces were so close and she was wearing that easy smile.  It snared Umi and she fell into the bright amber of Kotori's eyes, trapped and separated from reason.

 

"I...  I-I feel the same.  I love you."  She almost fell over the words but she had to get it out.

 

"I'm afraid this is a dream."  Kotori was shaking her head, Umi could feel her hair lightly brush against the side of her face.

 

"It's not.  I just...  Took a long time to realise.  And then...  It was so obvious."

 

Well, there was nowhere to hide now, it was all coming out into the open.  Though it was odd, she didn't feel embarrassed or even defenceless.  Even as she fumbled with them she could feel her words finding their mark.

 

"I always thought I would cry if this ever really happened."  Kotori mused.

 

"You can... if you want to.  I...  I don't mind."

 

Kotori started giggling again.  "You're being silly."

 

"W-what..."

 

Kotori pressed a finger against Umi's cheek and then pulled it back.  The tip of her finger was glistening.

 

_What?_

Her face felt numb apart from the spot Kotori had touched, which burned deeply.

 

And then suddenly she realised; she was crying. 

 

She couldn't even remember the last time it had happened...

 

_That's a lie._

Or maybe she just didn't want to remember the last time.

She looked up at Kotori.  Though she was smiling she looked a little red around the eyes herself, and her breathing had deepened, Umi could feel it across her chin and down the curve of her neck.  It was a sensation she would never forget.

 

"Silly Umi-chan."  Kotori whispered.

 

Even as low as it was, her voice shook with a barely suppressed feeling.

 

Umi could feel herself slipping as Kotori pressed in close once more.

 

The last clear memory she held of that morning was Kotori kissing away her tears.

 

**********************

 

Umi spent most of the morning's class trying to subtly glance over her shoulder at Kotori.  Subtlety, much like tact she remembered, was not her strong point.  She got caught once or twice but got away with just a light reprimand from the teacher, it was so out-of-character after all.

 

For Kotori's part, it didn't take her long to click.  She would pretend to be oblivious for a while, forcing Umi to try and catch her gaze, then she would look over at her with a coy smile.  Sometimes she even threw a wink in.

 

The real problem came when Honoka, who sat next to Kotori, realised what they were doing.  Whenever Umi turned around Honoka would interrupt her Kotori-gazing by distracting her with a big grin and accompanying thumbs-up or worst, distracting Kotori by whispering something to her (Umi would find out what later) and, at one point passing a folded note to her (Umi would _definitely_ find that later).   

 

The morning break only gave Umi a brief reprieve but she used it to the best of her abilities.

 

Grabbing Honoka by the collar of her blazer, she pushed her back against the wall of a hallway.

 

"What do you know!?"  Umi demanded.

 

Honoka's wide eyes darted around before settling on Umi's.

 

"Umi-chan..."  Kotori put a hand on her shoulder.

 

"E-everyone knows..."  Honoka spluttered.

 

Umi's eyes went wide.  "W-wha..."

 

"She means everyone who was there last night."  Kotori stepped in, easing Umi's hands free of Honoka.

 

"Oh god..."

 

She had been so wrapped up in Kotori that it hadn't even entered her mind.

 

_OH GOD._

"That means Nozomi...  Knows..."  Her voice almost gave out.

 

"...Yeah."  Kotori sighed.

 

"Yeah..."  Honoka chimed in.

 

Umi turned back to her with a frown.

 

"You're on the supply side of gossip.  Don't act like you haven't said anything."  She accused.

 

Honoka did her best attempt of looking aghast but she pulled out of the look a little bit too quickly to convince as she went on the defensive.

 

"I haven't told anyone...  Any...  One..."  Her voice faded away.

 

"Honoka-chan..." 

 

Kotori was giving her the sad wide-eyes treatment.  Umi knew it well, there was no getting out of this one.

 

"I...  It's..."

 

Suddenly she shoved Umi back before running away.

 

"Damn..."  Kotori murmured.

 

Umi took her hand and squeezed it lightly.

 

"It's okay.  We'll find out who she's told.  _We're in the same class_."  She intoned darkly.

 

"I'm going to guilt her all morning."  Kotori asserted, a focused look in her eye.

 

It wasn't the honourable solution but in their current predicament it was needs must. 

 

Umi had to admit, she found this side of Kotori, so rarely seen, very attractive.  She risked a quick kiss on her cheek, unable hold it in.

 

"Go for it."

 

********************

 

When lunch came Honoka immediately scuttled off without a backwards glance.  Umi assumed that was mission accomplished.

 

"What did she say?"  Umi probed when they met in the hallway shortly afterwards.

 

Kotori sighed.  "Maybe...  It might be a good idea to avoid going to Honoka's house for a little while."

 

"I'm sorry."  Umi murmured.

 

She wasn't sure if Kotori was thinking the same thing and she didn't want to bring it up, but after their initial tussle with Honoka it had occurred to Umi that there was one person who they _really_ didn't want to find out about recent developments through second-hand gossip at school.  It would spell trouble for Kotori more than anyone else.

 

"You don't have anything to apologize for."  Kotori replied.

 

Her hand brushed lightly against Umi's wrist as they walked outside. 

 

The frosty overcast sky of this morning had been broken up by rays of sunlight that marked the school grounds here and there.  There was still a slight chill in the air as Umi gazed around and concluded that the grounds were largely deserted, most of the student having stayed or retreated inside to the relative warmth.

 

"I know we've gotten a little sidetracked.  And maybe I didn't act with much foresight but I don't regret what happened last night and I never will."  Kotori said with more clarity now that they were alone.

 

"Me too."  Umi said without thinking, like a reflex.  It was undoubtedly true, though it surprised her by how sure she felt of it.

 

"Me too!"  A familiar voice squeaked.

 

Umi and Kotori turned to find themsleves swarmed by a hyper-active Nico.  She pulled them both down into a surprisingly forceful hug before shoving them back out to arms-length, looking them both over with wide eyes.

 

"We heard _everything_.  And we figured you needed Nico's help!"  Nico announced.

 

_We?_

Umi looked Nico's shoulder and saw a reluctant Maki standing there, a few paces removed from them.  She met Umi's gaze and shook her head in quiet despair, an apology in her eyes.

 

"And to think...  It was Macks who brought you together."  Nico cooed.

 

"Stop calling me Macks!"  Maki snapped.

 

Nico glided over to Maki and wrestled her into a hug before turning back to Umi and Kotori with a huge smile.

 

"Isn't she just a _dream_?  She's like your fairy godmother, an agent of fate.  No, no..."  Nico stepped back, making a frame between her fingers and centering it on Maki.  "Matchmaker of the stars!"  Nico shouted before jumping back onto Maki.

 

"I told you!  It was just...  A...  It was all just chance."  Maki tried to shove Nico off without success as she explained.

 

"And so humble!"  Nico gave her a peck on the cheek.

 

"You did end up helping though."  Kotori stepped forward.  "Thank-you."

 

"I...  W-well I didn't...  I, uh..."  Maki flushed as her voice stumbled.

 

"Now now, as cute as Maki is when she's embarrassed, Nico's sure you've both got a lot of questions for the premium couple in school.  Especially you, Kotori."  Nico pointed directly at Kotori.

 

"Why Kotori?"  Umi asked, suspicion colouring her voice.

 

"Well, don't take this too hard but much like myself, Kotori graciously decided to reach down to someone less...   _Charismatic_ than themselves and drag them upwards with love's touch.  And she picked someone especially dense with you.  Could be even worst than Macks."  Nico thumbed over her shoulder at her grimacing girlfriend.

  

Before Umi could let her hands go to retaliate Kotori leaned in close, looping her arms around her.

 

"Awww, I don't care what she says about you."  Kotori whispered, the sound teasing her ear and curbing her temper.

 

It also helped that Maki stepped up behind Nico and smacked her across the back of her head.

 

" _Why_ did you do that?"  Nico turned on her in outrage.

 

Maki shook her head and sighed.  "You never learn."  She uttered.

 

********************

 

They moved to a more secluded spot around the side of the school, settling down around a few benches set together.

 

Umi felt apprehensive to say the least.  However, it was true that Nico and Maki had dealt with whatever was coming their way, so it couldn't hurt to listen.  Well... 

 

...Maybe, this was Nico after all.

 

"Have you told anyone besides us?"  Nico asked.

 

"We didn't _tell_ you."  Umi stated.

 

Nico waved her away like a particularly irritating fly as she eyed Kotori inquisitively.

 

"Honoka told a few people but I asked her to stop it there."  Kotori said and then paused.  "Do you think Nozomi..?"

 

Nico rolled her eyes.

 

"I don't think so."  Maki offered.

 

She elaborated when they all turned to look at her.  "I think she has something else on her mind, she was pretty distracted last night."

 

"I suppose it's this song."  Umi offered.

 

Maki hummed her agreement.

 

Nico looked between the two of them in disbelief before turning to Kotori in desperation.

 

"The lack of refinement doesn't get any less painful.  You have to explain _everything_."  She sighed.

 

"What?"  Umi snapped.

 

"Actually, I think Nozomi has something...  Someone else on her mind, Umi-chan."  Kotori giggled.

 

"What do you mean?"  Maki seemed just as perplexed as Umi.

 

"Later."  Nico patted Maki's arm before turning back to Kotori.  "Well, that doesn't seem too bad anyway.  In the end I don't think anything at school will cause too many problems, it's more at home..."

 

Nico's voice trailed as she caught Umi desperately motioning to her from behind Kotori.

 

And then it hit her, her mouth still opening and closing without verbalizing the rest of the sentence.

 

"Oh..."  Maki surmised for her girlfriend as she came to the same realisation.

 

"I know."  Kotori said, even if she didn't want to.

 

Just two words, her voice sounded so small.  They were all thinking about it now.

 

Umi stepped up behind Kotori and put her arms around her waist, drawing her in close.  To act this way in front of Nico and Maki...  She felt the blood rush to her face, only yesterday she wouldn't have even entertained it.  But things had changed and the moment called for it.

 

"How did you handle it?  Do your parents know?"  Umi asked, just to break the silence.

 

"Mrs. Yazawa is great."  Maki couldn't quite hide a grin.

 

"Great at being nosy."  Nico snapped.

 

"She made Nico-chan confess to me."  Maki blurted out.

 

"Oh, shut up about that!"  Nico sprang to her feet, rounding on Maki, who was struggling not to laugh.

 

"To make it official."  Maki explained as she held Nico at bay.

 

"How romantic."  Umi observed dryly.

 

"I thought you would have appreciated being so _officious_.  Putting things in order."  Kotori teased.

 

"I'm sure Nico made a mockery of it."

 

"Oh, She did.  But she was very sweet at the same time."  Maki told them between bursts of laughter as Nico continued to grapple with her.  "It was better than my house..."  As she said it the laughter seemed to fade from her eyes. 

 

Nico stopped pestering her but stayed close.

 

"What happened?"  Umi enquired

 

"Hush."  Kotori whispered.

 

"It's okay."  Maki replied.

 

"Maki-chan's parents are even more repressed than she is."  Nico butted in.

 

" _Yes_..."  Maki drew out the word, shooting a quick glare at Nico.  "Though it wasn't quite the disaster even I envisaged, so there must be hope for everyone else."  Maki paused, glancing at Nico.  Their eyes locked and Maki seemed to lose herself for a moment before she continued.  "I'm not going to lie, the last month since they found out has been...  Tough.  But we've still got school and μ's...  And you'll find and...  Make... Other ways.  Plus, you'll have next year as well."

 

Nico frowned at the reference to her impending graduation.  She grabbed Maki's hand and pulled her a little bit closer.

 

Umi tightened her grip on Kotori as she leaned back into her.

 

No one could find it in themselves to speak, they all felt the weigh of the silence that followed Maki's words.  There was harsh truth unspoken within it that they all heard and understood; whether it came now or later, they were all embarking upon a journey that some people simply wouldn't accept or acknowledge.

 

Umi desperately wanted to tell Kotori that everything was going to be okay, but she couldn't. 

 

She felt her hands ache, this wasn't a problem she lash out at and beat down.  Whether all at once or by creeping and lingering, this was going to envelope them both one day.

 

In amongst the gloom there was thankfully one girl who was never afraid to break the silence.

 

"Well that just shows how special a girl Nico is for Maki-chan to go through all that.  And that she must love Nico very dearly, perhaps she idolizes her.  Dreams of her, even."  Nico's voice rang out a she threw herself against Maki.

 

"Like a quick and painless death."  Maki assured her.

 

********************

 

As the school day drew to a close Umi felt disconnected from the rest of the room. 

 

So much seemed to have happened; the beginning of the day had been coloured by expectation and then excitement.  From there, from the moment Kotori had stepped onto the train Umi had been caught in those were silent and precious moments that bordered on the edge of everything Umi thought she knew.

 

Then, as the day passed it brought to light the true nature of the choice they had made and the inevitable consequences that called out to them both in it's wake.

 

And now it had left them here.

 

Umi glanced over her shoulder.  Kotori was looking down, frowning at a textbook.  Something about her eyes told Umi it wasn't whatever equation she was facing that was dragging her down.

 

Perhaps, or most likely, it was a similar set of thoughts to herself.

 

Umi had never cared for seeing Kotori frown.  There was something distasteful about it, the way her face contorted in a way that stuck in Umi's mind for days afterwards as she puzzled out the problem.

 

It didn't _belong_.

 

And now she knew what the problem was.

 

Suddenly she wondered if Kotori was a step ahead of her again.  Had she seen these things in the distance when she had stood before Umi last night?  How had she found the courage to stand there and be honest?

 

And just like that, the answer came to her. 

 

She knew just what to do.

 

It was a very Sonoda-like answer.  The best type of solution.

 

*******************

 

The train ride home had been spent in silence.  Umi sat next to Kotori but they didn't touch, Umi could tell she was still deep in thought.

 

Honoka sat next to Kotori, looking very uncomfortable in a rare prolonged spell of silence.

 

It didn't make this any easier that Umi had an extra spectator but, as she had been telling herself from the moment they had stepped onto the train, that didn't really matter.  In fact, it was a good thing; something to get used to.

 

She took a deep breath.

 

"Kotori-chan, I've been thinking about what you said earlier, about order."

 

"I was just joking..."

 

"I think we should."

 

"Oh..."  Kotori's eyes went wide.

 

Honoka glanced her way.

 

"I just mean, with all that's happened it occurred to me that I haven't been very fair to you...  Considering how much you mean to me."

 

" _Oh..._ "

 

Umi felt the tips of Kotori's fingers press into her palm.

 

"W-well, I think there's only one way to...  To show you how much I l-lo-"  Kotori grabbed her hand firmly, she was smiling.

 

"I know."  She sounded giddy.  That was a good sign, right?

 

It was.  Umi took a moment to compose herself, trying desperately to block out the rest of the carriage.  This was going better than envisaged so far.  Now to seal the deal.

 

"...And it's the same way to tackle the things we were talking about."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"I...  I...  I think you deserve what any b-b-b-beautiful girl...  G-girlfriend should...  Get?"

 

Wait, was she asking or telling?  Hadn't this been a statement originally.  Why would she ask Kotori what she thinks she deserves?  Or did that make more sense?

 

Okay, now she was losing coherency.

 

Kotori's face was a picture caught between joy and perplexity.

 

_You've got this, Sonoda._

"You said I can be officious and you're right, sometimes I like to put things in order, in a way everyone can understand.  So I'm going to court you properly."

 

Honoka clapped in delight while Kotori leaned more towards the perplexed expression.

 

"I'm not sure that...  I meant...  Well-"

 

_Don't think, act!  Desperate measures for desperate times!  Convince her!_

 

"Because I love you!"  Umi declared to the entire carriage. 

 

Looking beyond Kotori, Umi could see that she now had a very attentive audience in every other passenger on the train.  She felt herself freeze up...

 

_Maybe a more conservative approach..._

But that seemed like a distant concern as Kotori suddenly leaned in and kissed her on the lips.

 

It did occur to her that they really were being shameless.  However...  Even Umi could make exceptions. 

 

And they were acting with the best of intentions.

 

 _That_.  That was it.

 

When their lips parted Kotori stayed close.

 

"Maybe we should get off at the next stop?"  She murmured the suggestion.

 

"I think...  That would be a good idea."  Umi replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for anyone waiting for this one, it took a lot longer than usual. A few distractions from real life. Hopefully it was worth the wait.
> 
> I've also re-vamped the previous two chapters, I rushed both of them out and they were bugging me. Nothing major, just minor revisions but I think they read a bit smoother now.


	7. Louder Than A Lion

As much as Kotori adored Umi she was aware that her girlfriend possessed a perception of life that was entirely her own, so she was naturally cautious when the matter of 'courting' was brought into play, especially after reflecting on the matter.

 

For the first few days there wasn't anything too dramatic, just nice touches (figuratively and literally) here and there. 

 

Umi was very attentive despite not being a fan of public affection.  She seemed to be challenging her natural shyness; it manifested in her odd way of being intimate in front of other people, almost like she was showing Kotori off, but the brunette knew it was for her benefit.

 

These occasional little steps thrilled Kotori as much as they scared her.

 

For all of the changes, Umi's way of dealing with her new found boldness was very much in keeping with the girl Kotori had known for so long.  When they were alone Umi would often turn bright red, seemingly without pre-empt, and bury her face in Kotori's shoulder.  She felt _so_ tense in Kotori's arms during those moments.  It was as if all the repressed fear and embarrassment come out so suddenly in their rendezvous alone after school. 

 

For her part, Kotori didn't really know what to do beyond be there and hold on tightly.  She had to hope that Umi would get over it in time, because whenever she mentioned a slightly more covert approach to their relationship Umi would deny it with the conviction reserved for denying Honoka any access to the student council filing system.  As a result they reached an strange sort of impasse.

 

Kotori still had her fun when the opportunity represented itself.  While the others seemed to have loss their knack for catching out the new-and-improved Sonoda romance machine (though not for lack of trying), Kotori still found ways of cracking her up.  Her recent favourite was to 'accidentally' bump into Umi chest-first.  Maybe it was a little crude but it was remarkably effective and a part of her liked seeing Umi struck dumb, just like old times.  Perhaps it even helped her blue-haired girlfriend blow off a little steam during the days rather than just the evenings.   

 

But in hindsight Kotori knew she had allowed herself to drift, to be sucked into the lull of having her most sought-after treasure all to herself.  She hadn't seen the danger.

 

The lesson, when it came, was to never underestimate the lengths Sonoda Umi will go to when she has a mission.  In this case: courting Minami Kotori.

 

***********************

 

It all started a week after their kiss in the snow.

 

Kotori was readying herself for school, brushing her hair in her room when she heard the doorbell.  At this time of the morning she assumed that it was something that concerned her mother, an express school document that couldn't wait until the office was the usual.

 

And indeed, it was her mother who answered it.  Kotori's door was ajar so she heard a distant chatter at the front door.  Then the front door was closed and whoever it was walked through the hallway with her mother.

 

Around ten minutes later Kotori headed downstairs and entered the kitchen in search of a light breakfast.  What she encountered would be a sight that she would never forget.

 

Her mother was sat at the kitchen table, Umi was standing off to one side while A laptop was open on the table with a Power Point presentation currently on display.

 

As Kotori peered over her mother's shoulder she caught the title card of the slide on the laptop screen...

 

'Sonoda Umi and Minami Kotori: A relationship built on respect.'

 

Kotori's jaw dropped as she struggled to comprehend what was happening.

 

"So you see..."  Umi was saying. 

 

She paused to click a button on the wireless remote she was holding.  The slide changed to pie chart that was split neatly in half, the title reading: ' Sonoda Umi and Minami Kotori: A relationship built on equality'.

 

"...I'm driving myself to considerate of your daughter in every aspect of our relationship.  Her own personal independent is no different.  I'm well aware that smothering is a common cause of relationships being terminated, therefore I've devised a schedule to make sure I respect and am always aware of her personal space."  Umi directed a keen and expecting stare at Chairwoman Minami as she finished.

 

"Y-yes..."  Kotori's mother seemed to be at a loss for words.

 

"...Umi-chan..."  Kotori finally found her voice.

 

"Ah, good morning, Kotori-chan."  Umi smiled and beckoned her over.

 

"W-w-wha...  W-wha...  What..."  Kotori found a coherent sentence well beyond her as she lumbered towards...  What? 

 

What was this? 

 

What was happening?

 

As Kotori approached, her mother turned to look up at her with the most curious look in her eye, as if she were seeing her daughter in an entirely new light.  It set Kotori's teeth on edge.

 

"Well, I've nearly concluded anyway.  I'll show you the full presentation later."

 

The way Umi referred to the 'full' presentation gave Kotori the impression that she was meant to understand, or at the very least, expect it.

 

If anything, she seemed to be getting further away from the concept Umi was trying to clarify.

 

"There's...  More?"  Chairwoman Minami enquired.

 

"Oh, yes!"  Umi beamed.  "I appreciate that this is a busy period of the day but once I'd finished my initial proposal I wanted to speak to you immediately.  So I decided to compromise and give a brief presentation now.  Obviously you're welcome to join us for the full version.  Though...  I think you'll find we've covered all of the..."  Umi clicked her remote again.  "...Goals."

 

The slide changed to a new heading that read: 'Relationship Goals."

 

"...Relationship goals."  Umi quickly corrected her sequitur.

 

Both of the Minami women stared in stunned silence as a bullet-point list scrolled across the screen one-by-one.

 

Amongst the more straight-laced points (such as: 'establish a clear, effective and honest channel of communication.') was...  Kotori blinked and scanned the screen again.  No, she wasn't imagining it.  Set near the top was 'to fall in love' with a green tick symbol set next to it.

 

"...You'll notice...  We've already..."  Umi was beginning to blush as her eyes fell to the floor.

 

"Umi-chan, a-are you...  Feeling okay?"  Kotori interrupted.

 

"Kotori!"  Her mother snapped suddenly.

 

As Kotori turned to face her mother the moment seemed to last forever.  She felt her breath caught in her throat as she was swamped by the sensation of falling.

 

_This is it._

But it wasn't anger or disappointment she saw in her mother's face...

 

In the subsequent relief it took her moment to realise that it was potentially something much worse...

 

The way her mother's lips twisted in a slight, sly smile...  Kotori gulped, and there was that familiar glimmer in her eye.

 

_Here it comes._

"Sonoda-san has stood here, pouring her heart out and all you can do is insinuate that's there's something wrong with her."

 

"Oh no, she didn't mean..."  But the murmur of Umi's voice was lost within the well of her own over-flowing embarrassment.

 

"I..."  But Kotori knew there was no way out.  Her mother was going to make this excruciating. 

 

No doubt there was a reason, and it would be revealed at the perfect moment to highlight her own petulance.

 

"Is this how I raised you?"  She was getting into her stride now.  "To act so coldly towards those who _shower_ you with affection?" 

 

Kotori glanced back at Umi before turning back to her mother with narrowed eyes.

 

"And such a meticulously prepared affection at that."

 

"Oh my..."  Umi covered her face with her hands.  She was positively glowing at this point.

 

Her mother tut-tutted as she leaned back in her chair.

 

"I'm _so sorry_ , Sonoda-san.  This is most un-becoming of my daughter.  I really expected better."  The elder Minami looked up at her daughter and shook her head for added effect.

 

"Oh..."  Kotori sighed and grabbed Umi's arm, yanking her away.  "We're going to school."

 

"I'm sure I'll see you _both_ there."  Came the reply with a deep chuckle.

 

Kotori sighed again.  She had probably already known.

 

That would be another lecture.

 

"Wait, Sonoda-san!  You've forgotten your laptop."

 

Umi actually tried to go back but Kotori's vice-like grip was unrelenting as she dragged Umi into the hallway. 

 

"Of course, how could I forget?  We'll be having the full presentation later."  That was the last jibe before Kotori made it out of the front door.

 

***********************

 

As they walked towards the station Umi regressed into a comatose-like state, happy to let Kotori direct and lead her.

 

Kotori felt a little numb herself.  By all accounts they had just walked out of the lion's den...  And they were both alive.  That was something.

 

A fragile silence followed them all the way to the station platform, where they waited, stood just apart.

 

As a train swished by as Kotori turned to look at Umi.  She was just staring ahead, her face expressionless.  She could've been anywhere at anytime.

 

"Why did you do that?"  Kotori asked.

 

Umi slowly turned to look at her, though her eyes remained unfocused.

 

"You were afraid."  she stated.

 

"Yeah...  But..."

 

"I don't want you to be afraid."

 

Kotori found herself looking into the dark depths of those eyes which danced between shades of amber and gold.  She wasn't looking for the lie, because those always rose to the surface here.  She wanted to see the _root_ of what pushed Umi to confront the things she would have ignored just a few days ago.

 

"Sometimes you won't be able to stop it.  Neither can I."

 

"But I promise I'll always try."

 

She felt close.  Looking down Kotori realised that their arms were entwined as their bodies edged together.

 

"And so will you."  Umi's voice was low, reverberating in her ear.

 

The physicality never unnerved Kotori, she didn't mind Umi's hands on her, and with a few exceptions she didn't really care who was there to see it.  If she was being honest, she enjoyed the attention after what felt like years of repression.

 

These moments though, they were the chink in her armour.  The disparity between how Umi could act and how she really felt, it always caught her out.

 

She felt flustered, it had crept up upon her and now she found it hard to speak.

 

"B-but why...  Did you do that now?"

 

"Because I'd rather fight our troubles head-on."

 

"Weren't you scared?"

 

Umi nodded.  "But regardless of how she reacted it wouldn't have changed anything.  I would've found a way eventually."

 

Kotori's breath came out in rattles.  It was becoming increasingly difficult to think straight.

 

"Do your parents know?"

 

"Yes.  I made the announcement."

 

Kotori giggled at that, she felt the tension begin to ease out of her body.

 

" _The announcement._ "  Kotori repeated.

 

Umi frowned.  "They laughed as well.  I don't understand."

 

Kotori drew Umi closer, pushing her face into her shoulder to muffle her laughter.

 

"They were very happy though."  Umi continued.

 

Kotori looked up.  "Really?"

 

"Yes.  You know that they both adore you."

 

"Good."  Kotori asserted as she rested her head in the crook of Umi's neck.

 

"Do you think your mother is angry?"  Umi asked.

 

"Oh, not angry but she is going to have her fun because _I_ didn't tell her."

 

"Should I have not..."

 

"No.  I think she already knew anyway."

 

"How?"

 

"She'll say it's because she knows _everything_ that happens at school but...  I would guess...  Honoka's mum.  Mother's gossip network."

 

" _Honoka._ "  Umi whispered forebodingly as the train pulled into the station.

 

"...Her mother."  Kotori hesitantly corrected.

 

Umi shook her head gravely.  "That's what she wants you to think.  But it always comes back to her."  She muttered at the opening train doors beckoned them aboard.

 

"Don't overreact or do anything silly."  Kotori chided her.

 

"When have I ever done that?"

 

Kotori stopped and eyed her girlfriend in disbelief.  Umi awkwardly evaded her gaze, shuffling further down the carriage.

 

"I...  Well, yes.  Point taken."  She eventually conceded as they sat down. 

 

********************

 

The day brightened up as it wore on and Kotori ate lunch outside with Umi.  Hanayo, Rin and Maki came across them shortly afterwards and joined them. 

 

As ever with Maki, Nico wasn't far behind.  She waltz over to the group, shoved Maki over and sat down on the grass.  The redhead bristled as she sat back up but remained silent, her glare containing a warning they were all familiar with, even if Nico chose to gleefully ignore it.

 

The petite super-idol spoke up after a few mouthfuls of her lunch.

 

"This is a couples lunch."  She stated, her gaze surmising her companions.

 

Half of the group reacted; Rin started eating faster, as if she could ignore everything else if she focused on her lunch.  Umi coughed and looked uncomfortable, while Maki skipped straight to looking uncomfortable. 

 

"What?  It is."  Nico said with a bewildered glance around the group.

 

Silence. 

 

Kotori could feel herself shaking slightly, she had had to push the laughter down.

 

"Are we all still pretending we're not..."  Nico looked around in confusion.

 

Maki and Umi sighed loudly at the same time.

 

The slightest chuckle escaped Kotori's lips.

 

"Why can't you ever shut up?"  Umi asked quietly, turning to Nico.

 

"Welcome to my world!"  Maki half-shouted, turning to Umi with a broad smile.

 

Kotori began to snigger as Nico pouted.

 

"It's an ultimate question.  The meaning of life?  Does God exist?  No, I want to know why Nico-chan can't shut up.  Ever...  _Ever_."  Maki continued.

 

Rin laughed and then suddenly began to choke, having shovelled most of her lunch in her mouth in the last minute.  Hanayo patted her on the back while trying to stifle her own laughter.

 

"She is right though.  We're all..."  Kotori remarked.

 

" _Don't_ tell her that."  Maki warned.

 

"Thank-you, Kotori."  Nico tipped her head to the brunette.  "Unlike the rest of my _so-called friends_..."  Nico shook her head as she cast a despairing glance around the rest of the group.  "...I can always count on you..."  She turned and shoved Maki down again.  "...Not like this nerd."

 

"Stop doing that!"  Maki snapped, her arms flailing out as her bento tilted precariously on her lap.

 

"Maki's right.  Don't encourage her, Kotori-chan."  But Umi couldn't quite hide a rye smile back as she turned to her girlfriend.

 

"Well, they are the _premium_ _couple_ in school."  Kotori reminded her.

 

"Really?"  Hanayo enquired, genuinely intrigued.

 

"I don't see anyone else..."  Nico started.

 

"No!  No!  No, no, no.  Don't listen to her."  Maki cut in.

 

"...Not..."  Rin muttered.

 

"What was that?"  Nico glanced at Rin.

 

"I-I said...  You're n-not...  'Cause...  Kayo-chin and..."  Rin stammered quietly.

 

"Oh, Rin-chan..."  Hanayo was trying to hide her delight.

 

"Of course not.  We are...  Of course.  Obviously, of course."  Umi interjected before burning out.  She was blushing with the effort, Kotori noted.  Still, it was a thrill just to hear her try.

 

"Of course."  Kotori chimed in.

 

"You're all wrong!"  Nico suddenly declared.

 

" _Shut up_."  Maki snapped through gritted teeth.

 

Nico cast her gaze over the group, tossing off a melodramatic laugh to counter Maki's sharpness.  Then, suddenly, she turned back to the red-head, eyes focused as a hand lifted Maki's chin, drawing her in.  Maki seemed to zone out as Nico leaned-in and gave her a suitably theatrical kiss.

 

As their lips locked Nico's eyes open, her gaze sweeping over the group in triumph and landing on Umi as she turned away with a classic _shameless_ frown on reflex.

 

"...Get...  Off..."  Maki mumbled as they parted, but there was no force in her words.

 

Nico turned to survey the group once more.  "And that girls, is why Nico is #1.  Don't you forget it."

 

Nico left it to hang in the ensuing silence, clearly pleased with her own sense of dramatic timing.  But just before she could seal it someone interrupted...

 

"Wow!  Maki's really into younger girls!  Nya!"  Rin shouted.

 

For a moment Nico held it together, then her eye twitched and the self-assured smugness evaporated as she turned to fix Rin with a deathly stare.  Unfortunately for her, this distracted her from a recovered Maki.

 

The redhead pounced on her, dragging her into a headlock.

 

"Nico-chan!  I told you to stop doing  t-tha...  Stop...  Stop _that_ in front of..."  Maki spluttered as Nico tried to pry her aggressor's hands free.  "And shut up, Rin."  She added for good measure.

 

"They certainly are more energetic than we are."  Kotori offered.

 

Umi laughed despite herself and leaned towards the brunette, bumping shoulders.

 

Nico pulled herself free of Maki's grasp.  She struck a pose and began to taunt her girlfriend all over again.

 

It went back and forth for a while, Nico always enjoyed being the centre of the groups ire, especially when it gave her the opportunity to torment Maki in front of the others.  Kotori would drop an innocuous comment in every now and then, setting Nico off on a new target.

 

It was a game they all knew well and even Maki didn't really have the heart to put a stop to her girlfriends antics.  Somewhere deep down they were probably all thinking the same thing, Kotori realised; this wouldn't last forever.

 

In the time that had passed since forming μ's they had all changed so much, formed the typed of bonds that defined growing up.  In some ways, Kotori thought, they were all unrecognizable from who they had been at the beginning of this year.

 

And this would be the last winter when they were altogether here.  When it thawed spring would spell an end.  Wouldn't it?

 

It was a sombre thought.  She didn't know what the future held for them together or as individuals.  Everything that had happened since that night in the snow had blinded her, changed her expectations and nulled her predictions.

 

As she gazed upon Umi, Kotori realised for the first time that this was especially true of the two of them, she couldn't even picture anything beyond this moment.  That's not to say she was pessimistic but...  After having what she had longed for it was suddenly apparent that the future she had once painted for herself, once so dull and empty, was now so vibrant but fragile.

 

It was because she had something to lose now, she knew.

 

She reached out and took Umi's hand, squeezing it gently.  Her girlfriend turned and smiled in response.

 

Kotori had her doubts, and one gnawed at her above all others, but every touch and every look...

 

She fitted into Umi, and Umi into her.

 

There seemed no other way to define it, Kotori thought as she leaned in to steal a quick kiss.

 

"Gross."  Maki muttered on instinct before she could stop her herself.

 

"Oh, you...  I get it, you want some more Nico Nico-Ni..."  Nico leaned in as Maki desperately tried to parry her away.

 

"Everyone!"  Honoka waved as she approached the group.

 

"Look who it is."  Umi murmured.

 

"Umi-chan..."  Kotori started.

 

But Umi was already on her feet, frowning _and_ glaring.

 

Quickly sensing the danger (she wasn't short of practise), Honoka quickly turned and ran away, just as quickly as she came.

 

Umi gave chase.  "Get back here!  You can't run forever!  _But I can_."

 

As the two of them disappeared into the distance Hanayo was the first to glance back at Kotori with a slight smile.

 

"One day I'll get her to chase me like that."  Kotori told the group with a faraway look in her eyes.

 

**********************

 

Since the daring but organized actions of Sonoda Umi things had been...  _Tense_ at home. 

 

On one hand, It was a relief to have their relationship out in the open without any serious or drastic repercussions.

 

On the other, as something of a professional disciplinarian herself, Chairwoman Minami did love to play the waiting game when it came to understanding the consequences of your actions. 

 

Kotori knew that well, she had often been made to sweat it out.  And she didn't like to sweat, figuratively or literally. 

 

Though she did find a gleaming Umi strangely alluring after a long run or choreography session.  Considering recent developments in their relationship, those were scenarios that now called for further examination.

 

But back to present matters; Her mother's primary form of attack was to tease or insinuate around the matter until Kotori snapped and walked away.  Thus far it never seemed to go beyond that but Kotori would hazard a guess that there something more substantial still lurking beneath the jibes and jokes at her expense. 

 

She knew her mother had a habit of toying with people.  She could have been reading too much into it, when in reality her budding romance was just another target for her mother's sly sense of humour.  However, there were moments, sideways glances and half-caught looks...  Kotori couldn't shake them, insignificant as they seemed, nor the idea that they also pointed towards a deeper problem.

 

Of course, a simpler explanation was that it all revolved around the fact that she hadn't been the one to tell her mother about Umi.

 

To some degree It was definitely about her because it had been made clear that Umi was absolved of any blame.  In fact, her mother and Umi were best pals by Kotori's reckoning, perhaps she was the favourite daughter now; her mother had made that joke several times already.

 

Against all odds it seemed Umi's presentation had a been a trail by fire that her mother respected and acknowledged.  She had later graded it an A-, the highest grade she had every handed out.  Partly because she didn't really grade anything, it wasn't part of her job description, but more importantly she informed them, because she had exceptionally high standards. 

 

**Feedback.**

 

The pros: Excellent preparation and research (especially first-hand information).  Meticulous attention to detail.  Enthusiastic presentation without neglecting clear and direct communication.

 

The cons: Boring subject matter (Minami Kotori).

 

Notes in conclusion: Maybe find a better, more honest girlfriend.  One who would tell her mother that she was in a relationship.  Still, good work.

 

Kotori had rolled her eyes and grimaced through most of this while Umi had furiously taken notes.

 

Yeah, _maybe_ it was because she hadn't been the first person Kotori had called for a good ol' fashioned mother-daughter rumination on her first...  On her second kiss.

 

...Well, she didn't know about that either.

 

Perhaps she had a point.

 

But maybe her mother really wasn't joking anymore (or maybe she was and Umi was in on it) because all of this had led to some remarkable appendixes to Umi's original set of relationship plans (which comprised a full set of binders, they were not to be taken lightly).  And her mother was always making herself available to review material.

 

Kotori herself had not been consulted, though she had caught a glance of one folder entitled '10-year plan' but had been informed by Umi (with senior Minami backing) that she wasn't _ready_ to read it.

 

Like it or loath it (she mildly disliked it), A side-effect of her relationship was that there was a new #1 daughter in town; an officious blue-haired, fact-checking, Honoka-crushing, and above all, trustworthy paradigm of diligence known as Sonoda Umi. 

 

**********************

 

A few days later they found themselves alone together in Kotori's room, after school.  They had evaded the elder Minami when arriving home, despite Umi's protests and much to Kotori's relief.

 

From her bed, Kotori watched Umi at the desk, her laptop open with a student council document being scrutinized on-screen. 

 

She contemplated a plan to lure Umi over. 

 

Generally they indulged in some light kissing before Umi reached her limit and her inherent shyness would force her into a almost comatose-like state, where she pressed her face into Kotori's shoulder and took slow deep breaths.  Once she had recovered they would give the cycle another spin.

 

Maybe Kotori found it a little bit frustrating but in all honesty the prospect of going any further physically intimidated the hell out of her...  And the truth was, Umi was really, _really_ cute when she inevitably burnt out and fell into Kotori's arms.

 

And it felt kind of breathtaking just to hold her.  She would sometimes wonder if it was all a dream, a sensation that she could wake up from, alone at any moment.  

 

But then each passing moment reminded that it wasn't. 

 

It was real.

 

Umi paused from her work and glanced at one of Kotori's open sketchbooks beside her on the desk.

 

"Are these your designs for the preliminaries?"  She asked.

 

"Do you like them?"

 

"Very much so."

 

"Then yes."

 

Umi flicked a smile over her shoulder and chuckled.

 

"The level of detail is amazing."  She remarked as she flipped through a few pages.

 

"Just wait until your fitting."

 

Umi blushed and closed the book.

 

"Maybe I-I could..."  She mumbled.  "...Do yours..."  Her voice faded away.

 

"What was that?"  Kotori pushed herself upright.

 

"Nothing."  Umi turned back to her laptop.

 

"Did you just...?"  Kotori silently padded over to the desk and put her hands on Umi's shoulders, making her flinch.

 

"Did you just insinuate that you would be anything less than professional in the very serious matter of costume design?  With me of all people?"  She sold it with wide, innocent eyes.

 

Umi looked up at her, her face distraught as she desperately tried to discern the tone of Kotori's voice.

 

"No...?"

 

"Because I would be fine with that."  Kotori affirmed quietly.

 

"Then yes."  Umi answered in a high-pitch squeak.

 

Kotori leaned over and kissed her lightly on the lips, lingering when they parted, revelling in the intimacy. 

 

She glanced at the sketchbook Umi had been examining and flicked it open. 

 

"I've been thinking that maybe the skirt is a bit too long."  Kotori took a pencil and made a quick mark on the design in question.  "What do you think?"  She whispered into Umi's ear.

    

"Um...  I, well I don't...  I don't know..."

 

She was breathing hard and fast now, Kotori could feel it on her neck.  A lovely sensation.  It was to feel Umi getting all hot and bothered.

 

"I wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable.  Like the first time I made a dress for you."

 

"D-don't bring that up again...  J-just nervous then."  Umi mumbled.

 

"Is that so?  I thought you looked great."

 

"Honestly?"

" _I couldn't take my eyes off you_."  She whispered slowly, teasing the words into Umi's ear. 

 

Umi yelped and went rigid in the chair.  Kotori could feel her own heart hammering against her ribs, it was a struggle to remain lucid but the rewards were evident and immediate.

 

She leaned over Umi again and reached down, thumbing the hem of her school skirt and gazing on the very tempting flesh of her thighs.

 

"I definitely think a shorter skirt suits you."

 

"Kotori!  Kotori!  Kotori!"  Umi sounded off like a fire alarm.

 

That was the signal that taken any further and Umi would probably pass out.  She felt so locked up that Kotori imagined she would have toppled out of the chair if she didn't have her arms around her.

 

"Okay, okay.  It's okay."  Kotori soothed.  "Come lay down with me for a while.  You'll feel better."

 

"T-t-that's the l-last thing..."  Umi stuttered and stumbled.

 

"I promise, I'll be on my best behaviour."  She leaned over to meet Umi's gaze, working hard to keep a straight face.

 

"...Alright..."  Umi was the picture of caution, warily edging around a trap.

 

Kotori led her by the hand and walked over to her bed.  She laid down on her back while Umi sat on the edge of the bed, casting a deer-in-headlights look over her shoulder.

 

Kotori patted the mattress next to her and gave her best friendly-friend smile.

 

Still wary, Umi turned and slowly laid down next to her, their eyes meeting but bodies still apart.

 

"You're very..."  Umi started and then stopped, looking away.

 

"Very?"

 

"...Provocative.  When we're alone."

 

Kotori couldn't quite hold a giggle in.  Umi frowned.

 

"You bring it out in me."

 

"I do not."  Umi looked aghast.  "You just like mocking me."

 

"I can't help it, I have such a pretty girlfriend."  Kotori cooed.

 

Umi coughed, and her composure that she had so recently recovered showed signs of slipping once again.

 

"I know you think I'm...  I know that I get nervous.  It's easy for you, you have a way with words.  You twist me in and out and...  I get caught up in you.  I don't know what to do or say.  I've never felt like this before."

 

Kotori reached out, taking Umi's hand in her's, relishing the sense of contact.

 

"I don't understand it all either.  I've just been thinking about for a long time."

 

"Really?"

 

"Of course.  I held it in for so long.  And then, I couldn't do it anymore."

 

"I'm sorry, I can't imagine how you felt."  Umi leaned in, her features softening.

 

"You shouldn't be sorry.  Because I should have just told you.  We could be so far ahead."

 

"...It's not a race, I know that much.  It's fine, just now."

 

They didn't say anything else for a while.  Just stayed close as their eyes slowly took in each detail of the other.

 

Kotori saw so much of what she remembered.  There was a harshness in Umi's features, the lines and contours born of someone who regularly faced the rigors of physical training and conditioning, an imprint of the mental fortitude required to compete.  It made the friendly warmth of her smile all the more appealing by contrast. 

 

But here, just between the two of them, she saw a different side to that smile, a hidden gentleness that only she would ever see.  It was beautiful, it made her hands itch to capture it on paper.  

 

"Are you still worried about your mother?"  Umi asked quietly.

 

"Maybe." 

 

"You're probably not making it any better by sneaking a girl up to your room after school.  Very inappropriate."

 

"Perhaps that's why I'm so promiscuous.  The thrill of getting caught."

 

Umi frowned at the suggestion on reflex before grinning as she caught onto the humour.

 

"Shameless."  She murmured.   

 

The comfortable silence resumed and Umi began to drift off after a few minutes. 

 

Kotori watched her slip into sleep.  It had been a long day, she supposed.

 

She dozed off herself for a few minutes but woke up suddenly. 

 

Sure that she wouldn't be able to join Umi in slumber, she got up carefully and went downstairs to get a glass of water for each of them.

 

As she turned the tap off and sipped from the glass, she could see the reflection of her mother in the window.  It wasn't much of a surprise.

 

"I didn't know you were home."

 

_Sure she didn't._

Kotori turned around, her face a blank mask.

 

"Is Sonoda-san upstairs?"

 

Kotori nodded.

 

"That's nice."

 

_Really?_

Kotori cocked her eye in a questioning look, directed at her mother.

 

"Well, I shouldn't think I'd have to lecture you about being responsible.  I'm confident you both understand what's best."

 

_Very considerate._

 

Kotori nodded again.

 

"Kotori, say something."  Her mother didn't sound angry.

 

That was the problem.  She wasn't angry, just...  Always so hard to read.  Always ghosting between the lines.

 

"Is it because we're both girls?"  Kotori asked before she could stop herself.

 

She didn't really know why she said it.  She knew, and should have known prior to their reveal, that it wouldn't be _the_ problem.  Perhaps it just would have been an issue to confront with the confidence that she was morally right.

 

Her mother glanced at her curiously, as if expecting something more.

 

"I'm an official at an _all-girls_ high school.  Do you really think I've never seen this happen before, or that I'm so close-minded?"  Still, her voice betrayed not a hint of irritation.

 

"Then why..."  Just for a moment Kotori rose her voice.  It was the first time in recent memory she could recall doing so towards her mother.  She paused and had to take a moment to compose herself.

 

Her mother seemed to be taken aback, ever-so-slightly off balance.

 

Then Kotori realised that she didn't really know what she was asking anymore.

 

_Why what?_

Why...

 

Why was...

 

When she met her mother's gaze she found the question, it reared from the back of her mind like something terrible.  Something she had tried to bury since the first time she had seen it.

 

"Why do you look so disappointed in me?"  Her voice barely above a whisper.  "Was it because I didn't tell you?"

 

"Disappointed?  I would like to think you could trust me with anything.  No, what concerns me is..."  She paused for a moment and the way she cast her gaze over her daughter, it was as if she was searching for something. 

 

There was nothing malicious there but Kotori felt herself shiver, it reminded her of the days prior to her confession when she had been at breaking point and was weary of anyone looking at her too closely.

 

"You can't see the wood from the trees."

 

"What?" 

 

The meaning seemed to elude her and she felt a faint sense of panic, as if she were being caught out on a lie.

 

"I think you focus on what's not there, rather than what is."

 

"S-so..."

 

"Just be careful you don't get caught up...  In the things you think you're missing."

 

"I don't..."

 

_Understand._

But for some reason she didn't want to concede it.  She felt very small under her mother's gaze and she wanted to at least hold onto what she had.

 

The elder woman sighed as she walked over to Kotori, putting a firm hand on her shoulder.  The tension between them seemed to evaporate as she did.

 

"I'm not going to bully you, you've made your choice and I think it's a good one.  I like Sonoda-san, I always have and I think you're good for each other.  Just remember that from now on, that's what matters."

 

_From now on._

Kotori felt herself sink into her mother's arms.  Maybe it was just hearing her say it.  Or maybe it was something else, something she had let slip through her facade.

 

There were no tears but she suddenly felt so weak, like a weight that could no longer be borne had fallen.

 

"If anything, I just worry that you bottle too much up inside."  Was the last thing her mother whispered.

When Kotori came back to her room Umi was still asleep.  She deposited another glass of water for her on the bedside table and wandered over to her desk.

 

She sat down and skimmed through some of her sketchbooks.  There were designs to go over and annotations to be made but work was the last thing on her mind right now.

 

Instead she opened the draw at the bottom of her desk and took out a familiar olive green sketchbook.

 

She flicked through a few pages and then looked up.  Umi had rolled over in her sleep towards her.  As she continued to flip through the pages she looked up in turn to compare her drawings to the subject.

 

At first she despaired, it seemed as though what she had illustrated had missed the core of the person she had been trying to capture.  It was all wrong.

 

But as the minutes passed she realised once more that she was simply seeing a side of Umi she have never fathomed before.  Here, she was defenceless.  Truly vulnerable.

 

She came to a blank page and picked a pencil from her desk.  The evening had long since crept in but Kotori was determined to beat the dying light as she went to work.

 

She wanted to remember everything about this moment, she didn't want to change anything.

 

Later, after she had finished she came upon the picture that haunted this book; the airport.  She stared at it for some time, only alternating her gaze to Umi every now and then, as if to reassure herself of something.  But whatever it was, the sentiment eluded her.

 

After a while she put the sketchbook back in it's place and walked back over the bed, settling down next to Umi. 

 

She stirred shortly afterwards, rolling back over to look at Kotori between heavy sleep-addled lids.

 

"Did you go somewhere?"

 

"Just to get you a drink."  Kotori motioned to the glass behind her.

 

Umi twisted around and sipped from the glass before turning back to her girlfriend.

 

"Thanks."  She looked so pleased.

 

"It wasn't anything."  Kotori murmured.

 

"How long was I out for?"

 

"Two or three hours."

 

Umi looked momentarily alarmed until Kotori rested the palm of her hand against her face.

 

"You can stay as long as you want.  You know that."

 

She felt for sure that Umi would decline, that there would be things to do and whatever they were, they waited for no woman, even Sonoda Umi.

 

Instead Umi pushed in close, her face pressed into Kotori's chest.  She could feel her hair brush against her chin and jaw.  There was a warmth that spread out, it seemed that by contrast she must have felt so cold up until now.

 

"Umi..."  She whispered.

 

But Umi had drifted off again.  It didn't really matter, Kotori still didn't have the words to explain.


	8. When You Fall (Honoka's Interlude / Interruption)

Honoka yawned loudly.

 

Her breath fogged up the train window between carriages, through which she had been peering.  She swiftly covered her mouth and cursed herself.  She needed to be silent and unseen. 

 

It was all about _stealth_ this morning.

 

Composure recovered, she leaned against the window, peeking across the frame into the carriage trailing behind hers.  Her targets were seated around the middle of the carriage.  They were currently engaged in conversation, though huddled together as they were, Honoka had no idea what they were saying.

 

Suddenly one of them looked her way and she ducked down below the window frame.

 

A close call.

 

Cautiously, she slowly rose until her eyes crested the bottom of the frame.  It appeared safe once more.

 

Honoka had a niggling feeling of unease in the back of her mind.  Normally she consigned such things to stay in the back of her mind.  That way there were no consequences.  Probably.

 

But this time was different, it concerned two VIPHs (Very Important People to Honoka).  The same two people she was selflessly spying on to allay her concerns.  Though it had to be asked, the most pressing question was why they were up so early?  Who goes to school at this godforsaken hour?  Not Honoka, that was for sure.  Normally, anyway.

 

So if you needed proof on how serious this could (maybe) be then that swung it.

 

Rationalising things was a practise Honoka generally by-passed, she was a doer not a thinker, primarily because it was _boring_ to over-think.  Or something like that.  That wasn't even important now.  Well, it was, because she really needed to rationalise the evidence behind her suspicions before figuring out the next step to her covert operation.  Because this was _so_ important and _so_ delicate that it required some thinking before the doing.

 

Thankfully, Honoka knew that she was at least a great facilitator of planning.  After all, who had started this whole school idol thing?  That's right.  You're looking at her. 

 

Who saved Otonokizaka?  Was it Eli?  Of course not.

 

Maybe that was harsh but credit where credits due, ya know?

 

No one was saying Eli hadn't helped, _but_ only after Honoka had done all of the hard work.  Everyone (literally everyone) said that she had been the catalyst of μ's and that meant she was pretty much the brains of the operation.  Pretty much exactly, as Honoka liked to say.

 

Okay, rationalising and all that stuff.  Let's break this down.  Beat by beat, point by point.

 

1)  The source of her suspicion of an inkling of a feeling that things weren't going as smoothly as they appeared on Minami / Sonoda romance train.  Metaphorically, as you've probably guessed.  The train they were currently on was running quite smoothly.  And Kotori looked rather content, snuggled into Umi as she was.  On that note you might question Honoka's concerns, you might think everything was...  Running smoothly...

 

BUT THEN YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN DECIEVED!

 

...Just like everyone else.

 

And Honoka certainly wasn't everyone else.  Just ask anyone else.

 

3)  What's that?  We've skipped #2?  You're not ready for #2!

 

4)  Kotori's hair just looked really gorgeous this morning.  It was really something.  Maybe Umi brushed it.  That seemed romantic.  Thoughtful as well.  She was a real catch when you got past all that screaming and obsession with authority.

 

5)  OH GOD!  They were looking right at her!

 

How had she got so distracted?  And did she even finish the first point?  Where _did_ #2 go? 

 

Why had she even brought numbers into this?  She hated maths.  Maths was always her downfall.

 

Maths was like Honoka's third most hated, no...  Second...  Maybe even first..?

 

_It's happening again!_

 

Honoka quickly dived to the floor again as Kotori got up and walked towards her side of the window.

 

The next tense minute was spent huddled on the floor, glancing up to see Kotori looking down.  But it was okay, she was pretty sure Kotori couldn't see her from this angle.

 

Suddenly her phone began to rumble in her bag.  She took it out.

 

It was Umi.

 

...What to do?  What to do?  

 

Her ring tone died and then started up again.

 

She bit the bullet and answered.

 

"What are you doing?  And why now?  You know I don't need this today."

 

Honoka acted out an exaggerated yawn.

 

"Oh...  Oh, hey Umi-chan.  Sorry I missed your first call.  Just waking up."

 

"I can tell that you're on the train.  I can hear it, Honoka."

 

"No...  That's...  My alarm."

 

"Your alarm is the ambience of a train ride?"

 

"Yes...  Because I associate it with going to school.  It's quite logical when you think about it."

 

"I see.  I assume you're going to turn it off now."

 

"...No...  No.  Just in case I drift off again, you know?"

 

"No, I do not.  I have never _drifted off._ "

 

"Well then...  I'd better get ready.  You're holding me up."

 

Umi sighed loudly.  "Honoka, Kotori is looking right at you."

 

Honoka glanced up.  That was odd, Kotori wasn't there. 

 

Honoka risked a better look.  As she gazed through the window Kotori slowly rose from underneath her side of the glass.  For a moment they just stared at each other, then Kotori shook her head slightly and smiled sympathetically.

 

_Goddamn it._

Honoka slowly crouched back down and took a deep breath.

 

"I don't know what you are talking about."

 

"Honoka!"  Umi snapped.

 

"Oh no, my signal is dropping off..."

 

"No it's not!"  Honoka actually heard her from the other carriage.

 

Honoka made a few static-like noises as she cupped the receiver close to her mouth.

 

"Sorry, I didn't catch that...  I'm...  I'm...  Losing..."  Honoka hung up.

 

Before she could put it away her phone began to ring again.  This time it was Kotori.

 

"Hello, Kotori-chan."

 

"Honoka-chan, why are you spying on us?"

 

_Careful, she's going for the guilt angle.  Always be wary of the guilt angle._

 

And you know what?  That wasn't fair. 

 

Should Honoka feel guilty for _caring_?

 

And spying was such a...  _dirty_ word.  Honoka would never even have considered it _spying_.

 

What she was doing was the epitome of friendship.  She was scoping things out, looking for potential problems.  This roughly covered #8 and #9 but she would get to that later.  Right now she needed some evasive manoeuvres.

 

"I'm not." 

 

_Good, keep it simple._

 

"Then I didn't just see you through the window?"

 

"No." 

 

_Simple again, nice._

 

"Well I've got some news for you then.  I just met your evil twin sister."

 

"She gets around.  Sounds like something she would do.  Spying...  Maths..."

 

"Right.  That aside...  You're not on the train?"

 

"I'm not on _the_ train."

 

"Are you on _A_ train?"

 

"That is possible."

 

"So we might see you at the station?"

 

"That is also possible.  Though it would be a coincidence."

 

"Okay then.  Perhaps we'll see you there."

 

"Perhaps."

 

The call ended.

 

By all accounts that went pretty well, Honoka thought.  Although her legs were beginning to cramp in her huddled hiding space under the window. 

 

Hopefully it wasn't far to the station.

 

********************

 

When the doors opened Honoka filled out with the rest of the passengers, though curiously everyone gave her a wide berth as she walked out.  She kept a wary eye out for her friends between the bobbing heads and shoulders of the crowd around her.

 

Halfway out of the station a hand reached through the mass of bodies and pulled her out sharply to one side. 

 

She came face-to-face with a less-than-pleased Umi.

 

"What are you doing?"

 

"...Umi-chan, what a surprise...  I was just thinking about you..."

 

"No it isn't a surprise, Honoka.  Now, what are you up to?"  Umi interrupted.

 

"Honoka-chan, there you are."  Kotori suddenly appeared next to Umi.

 

"Honoka was just explaining why she was spying on us."  Umi informed her.

 

"Because your personal safety is everything to me."  Honoka appealed to Kotori directly.

 

The brunette was taken aback.  "Oh, really..?"

 

"And what were you concerned about exactly?"  Umi probed.

 

"What _wasn't_ I concerned about is a better question.  But now we're all here safely, so let's head to school.  It's not like you to be tardy, Umi-chan."  And with that Honoka led the march out of the station, leaving no room for further questions.

 

Umi was far from convinced while Kotori just looked bemused but Honoka wasn't going to let that stop her.

 

The plan had been executed with such flare that even Honoka herself had been fooled by it.  At first she had planned to observe from afar but now here she was, right in the fold.  Genius.  Further proof that life was about acting, not thinking.

 

As they exited the station Honoka latched onto Kotori, looping her arm through hers with a friendly smile.  It was third-wheeling at it's best.

 

When her friends had become a couple Honoka had at first been cautious of becoming the third-wheel, but then Nozomi had helpfully informed her that she had it all wrong.  Apparently, being a third wheel was essential in a situation like hers where her two best friends were dating.  She had to be with them as much as possible, to ease the friendship / romantic tension balance that threatened to pull them apart, Nozomi had explained.  And though that hadn't quite added up for Honoka, Nozomi had _insisted_ that it was her sworn unspoken duty as a best friend.  And if her friends needed her then she would be there.  Tensions of any nature be damned!

 

Overall, she had been doing a pretty good job of it.  Though Honoka was slightly concerned that Kotori and Umi went home together a lot without her.  To counter this, Honoka had basically tried to invite herself but had been fended off by Kotori in a way that she couldn't quite argue with.  A skill of her's that had proved more effective than Umi's blunt refusals.

 

Nozomi had said that she really needed to get in there and find out what was happening.  And that had led to Honoka's current predicament.  Sort of.

 

Last week she had rode the train home with Kotori alone.  Some task or chore had delayed Umi and for the first time in ages Honoka had been alone with the brunette.

 

As with most of the girls' budding romances, there was an uneasy balance on acknowledging and denying that you knew anything about it in the corresponding moment (even though everyone knew that everyone else knew), but Honoka didn't play by the rules.  And she had known Kotori forever.  So it came up.

 

She had told Kotori about how surprised she was to see the recent changes in Umi, how she was loosing up and how she thought it was a good thing, a miracle even (come on, it really was).

 

And then, out of the blue, Kotori had said something that had caught Honoka.

 

Honoka had asked if she enjoyed the all of the attention Umi had started to lavish on her, knowing full-well that she did.  However, instead of giggle or joke, Kotori had hesitated for a few moments before replying, "It's all very sudden."

 

And then she had laughed and gave Honoka a sheepish smile.

 

Growing up, it had taken Honoka a long time to fully realise how good Kotori was at masking her problem and the skill with which she could brush them off for appearances sake.

 

Something about this reaction had irked her.

 

_It's all very sudden._

And those words had buzzed around the edges of her mind since.

 

Umi's plans for today also put something of a ticking-timer on her concerns.

 

As they walked to school Honoka kept chatting, determined not to let them fall into the uncertain silence that seemed to be hovering all around her friends. 

 

As she spoke she stole glances across at the two of them.  Nothing was out of place, nothing _wrong_ became apparent during the rest of their journey.  For some reason that seemed more worrying than reassuring.

 

When they arrived at school and settled down Honoka tried to consider the problem once more.

 

_It's all very sudden._

Did that mean that it was too much, that Umi was going overboard?  Or was it sarcastic?  Had Kotori meant that Umi hadn't really changed at all?  Or enough?

 

The latter seemed to make more sense but she also didn't think Kotori would phrase it like that if that was the case.  It didn't seem to make much sense.

 

But what else could it be?  Honoka pondered. 

 

********************

 

Honoka tried to get some sleep throughout the morning to make up for her agonizingly early start.  Unfortunately her teacher had other (totally unfair) ideas.

 

By lunchtime she was both tired and bereft of answers.  She had the urge to find somewhere to sleep it off for an hour but the pressing matter of the issue drove her to dwell on it. 

 

She needed some time to think, preferable without her friends, no matter how much they all wanted to hang out with her all of the time because she was the most popular girl in the group, and probably the school.

 

Umi had contrary ideas.

 

"Hey."  She murmured, leaning over Honoka desk.  "I need you to occupy Kotori while I prepare for later."

 

"I don't want to."  Honoka whined, flopping back in her chair in exasperation.

 

"Honoka..."  Umi warned.

 

"You take care of her."  Honoka mumbled.

 

"No, you take care of her."  Umi snapped.

 

"Don't fight over me, girls."

 

They both turned to see a somewhat bewildered Kotori watching them.

 

"Sorry..."  Honoka sighed.

 

"I'm so sorry, Kotori-chan.  I didn't mean..."  Umi immediately launched into a panicked apology.

 

"I need to go to the library anyway.  I'll see you both later."  With that she turned and left.

 

Umi followed suite after shooting a glare at Honoka, who spread her hands and shrugged.

 

Honoka was up and on her feet shortly afterwards, walking through the school hallways without a destination in mind.

 

It seemed hard enough to pin-point the real question, let alone the answer.  Something was wrong with Kotori, and that was about as far as she could get.

 

Somewhat despondent, she walked on for a while until, in the haze of her wanderings, she bumped into someone.

 

"Watch where you're going!"  An oh-so-familiar voice snapped.

 

Honoka looked up to be confronted with an extremely irritated redhead.

 

"Oh, it's you."  Maki noted, glancing around the hallway cautiously.

 

"Maybe you should watch where _you're going_."  Honoka retorted.

 

"What?  I was!"

 

"Then how come you didn't know it was me."

 

"I-I did.  I was...  Shut up!"

 

Maki shook her head and began to turn away before Honoka suddenly grabbed her arm.

 

"Hey!  Hey!  You can help me.  You're just the right person.  This is like fate."

 

"It's not _like_ fate.  It _is_ fate.  Except now, it's not fate...  Why would it be fate?  Actually, forget it."

 

Maki turned back, shaking her arm free.  Once more her eyes seemed to be roaming their surroundings for something.

 

"You helped bring Kotori-chan and Umi-chan together."  Honoka stated.

 

"I...  I really didn't.  I wish people would stop saying that."  Maki sighed and turned to glance over her shoulder.

 

"What's wrong?"  Honoka asked, observing how twitchy Maki was.

 

"Nothing's wrong."

 

"You keep looking around everywhere."

 

"Nothing's wrong."  Maki repeated.

 

Then they both heard it.  The sound echoed eerily through the hallway as it approached.

 

"Maki-Maki-Ma..."  A sweet, almost child-like voice called.

 

Maki visibly shrunk from the sound.  In a flash she had latched onto Honoka.

 

"Help me, please.  I'll do anything, just don't let her find me.  I'll even help with your stupid friends."

 

Honoka frowned at that.  "They're your stupid friends as well."

 

"Sure, sure.  Whatever you say.  Just help me."

 

"Why?  What have you done?"

 

"Look, I...  I just...  I _sort of_ did something and Nico-chan...  I don't want to talk about it right now.  Please.  _Please._   Help me."

 

Honoka had never seen Maki panic like this.  They heard the voice again, it was closer this time. 

 

There was a doorway behind Maki, Honoka walked over to it and tried sliding it open.  It wasn't locked and she found an empty classroom inside.  She turned back to Maki, grabbed her by the arm and threw her inside.

 

There was a loud yelp as Maki crashed into a desk.  Honoka quickly slid the door shut just as a certain crimson-eyed devil with the face of an angel turned the corner, walking towards her.

 

"Well, well, well..."

 

"What do you want?"  Honoka met her gaze with defiance.

 

"A lot of things.  And Nico's going to get them all eventually."  Nico gave a devilish grin as she encroached upon her junior.  "Now, specifically, Nico wants to know where a certain redhead is hiding.  And you're going to tell her."

 

Honoka kept her eyes locked to Nico's, she couldn't afford to give anything away.  There was a lot on the line here.  Maki was the key, probably.  Well, definitely.  Probably.

 

"And what makes you think I would know?"  Honoka asked innocently.

 

"You know."  Nico replied.

 

"How do you know that?"

 

"Nico knows."

 

"So what now?"

 

"Tell Nico."

 

"But what if I lied?"

 

"What?"

 

"What if I did know but I told you the wrong place?"

 

"Then _don't_ tell me the wrong place."

 

"But...  How do you _know_ that I won't."

 

"Tell Nico.  Tell Nico where she is."

 

"Okay, she's in the library."

 

Nico narrowed her eyes, honing in on Honoka.

 

"...She's not..."

 

"I don't know.  Is she?"  Honoka shrugged with a careless smile.

 

"...We'll see...  We'll see."  Nico started to walk past Honoka, maintaining eye-contact as she went by.

 

"Shouldn't that be 'Nico'll see'?"  Honoka offered.

 

"Shut up."  Nico murmured as she walked by.

 

Honoka turned to watch her go.  Nico turned around, continuing down the corridor by walking backwards in order to keep eyes on her ginger-haired foe.

 

At the end of the corridor Nico paused for a moment, glaring at Honoka before suddenly slipping away.

 

The door began to slide open.  Honoka reached out, stopping it.

 

"Hold on."  She whispered.

 

For a few moments there was silence.  Then they heard it, Nico's siren song, this time it was growing gradually distant.

 

Honoka let out a sigh and slid the door open.  Maki walked out and took a deep breath.

 

"That was amazing.  How did you do that?  It was like..."

 

"I have my ways."  Honoka noted with a smug smile.

 

"It was like you were so nonsensical that she couldn't cope."  Maki continued.

 

"Thanks, Maki."

 

"It's a shame I wouldn't be able to replicate that kind of behaviour."

 

"Maybe I should call her back?"  Honoka suggested.

 

"Woah, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry, okay?"

 

Honoka nodded.  "Now you're gonna help me."

 

Maki sighed and looked up her companion.  "I guess...  That I am.  What are we doing?"

 

"We...  Are...  We are..."  Honoka stalled.  She had really been hoping that it would just come to her.  "...Err...  Um, I suppose..."  Still nothing.

 

"Well, this sounds great."  Maki drawled.  But as she glanced at her friend she saw the uncertainly in her features.  It made her pause.

 

"Tell me what the problem is and then we'll try to figure out a solution."  Maki suggested.

 

Honoka took a deep breath and weighed up her options.  Well, there wasn't really any other option than to just tell Maki, even if she had intended to keep this to herself. 

 

"I think that Kotori-chan is unhappy."

 

"Really?"  Maki was taken aback.  "Why?"

 

"That's...  I'm not too sure."

 

"You think it's Umi?"

 

"I guess.  I think she's...  Missing something.  Misreading something maybe."

 

Maki nodded.  "Picking up on subtleties isn't exactly a strength of hers.  And Kotori seems like the reserved type...  Sometimes."

 

"Exactly!"  Honoka exclaimed.

 

"Do you know...  What or why..?"

 

"No."

 

Maki sighed.  "I see."

 

"I think maybe..."  Honoka's voice trailed.

 

"Perhaps we could try talking to someone else?"  Maki suggested. 

 

"Like who?"

 

"Hanayo is good friends with Kotori, and she's pretty observant.  Maybe she'll know something."

 

"Yeah...  Yeah!  They're always talking, like when we met to discuss the vocal melodies.  Nico was there as well."

 

Maki looked at her non-comprehendingly.

 

"You sent Nico and skipped out."

 

"I have never skipped a μ's meeting."  Maki said a little bit too loudly.  "... _Ever_."  She was beginning to blush.  No doubt, a pertinent memory was re-surfacing.

 

Intrigued as she was, Honoka decided that perhaps this wasn't the time to push the issue.

 

"Whatever you say..."

 

"And I say I was there!"  Maki interrupted before looking away abruptly.

 

Undoubtedly there was gossip worth chasing here, besides what was already happening on the NicoMaki axis, but Honoka had other priorities.  Instead, she made a mental note to re-visit this matter as she flipped open her phone and texted Hanayo.

 

**********************

 

Honoka led an unwilling Maki down to the front of the school, where they found Hanayo hanging around outside waiting for them.

 

Something seemed odd as they approached and then it hit her, Hanayo was alone.

 

"Where's Rin?"  Honoka asked, forgoing any greeting.

 

"W-what?"  Hanayo was slightly startled.

 

"Yeah, why are you alone?"  Maki picked up on it as well.

 

"What do you mean?  I'm not always with Rin-chan."  She looked slightly despondent.

 

"Of course you are."  Maki corrected, oblivious to any possible insinuation.

 

"I told you Kayo-chin, nya!"

 

Rin suddenly appeared from behind a large potted plant where she had been hiding.  She immediately leapt over to Hanayo, wrapping her arms around her and rubbing her face against hers.

 

"Everyone knows it, nya!"

 

"...Thank-you for all pointing that to me."  Hanayo sulked.

 

Rin finally let Hanayo go, though Honoka couldn't help but note that she still held on to Hanayo's hand.

 

"What did you want to talk about anyway?"  Hanayo asked. 

 

If Honoka told them then over a third of the group would know.  That wasn't ideal.  But, to be honest, Hanayo seemed like her best bet.  And Honoka often thought of Rin as an innocence, less-worldly-travelled version of herself.  So it was probably okay.  And probably was the golden word.

 

"You'll regret asking that."  Maki sniped just before Honoka could answer.

 

Honoka waved her away as Maki twirled a lock of hair between her fingers.

 

"I need your help with Kotori-chan."

 

As Honoka said it she noticed that Hanayo's expression seemed to shift to surprise, then to understanding before quickly slipping back to surprise.

 

_Maybe she does know something._

"Why is that?"  Hanayo asked.

 

How to phrase this?  Honoka considered.

 

"I think that...  Umi-chan might be going overboard.  Maybe, a bit."

 

Hanayo seemed to catch on quickly.  "And she's going to do something..?"

 

"When we meet after school she wants to give a presentation on her relationship.  She says it changes the dynamic of the group."

 

"Well it does.  And that's very considerate of her."  Maki interrupted suddenly.

 

"Is that so?"  Honoka glanced at Maki.  The redhead seemed to wilt under her gaze.

 

"I...  Think so..."  She mumbled.

 

"Were you going to do that?  With Nico?"  Hanayo enquired innocently.

 

"No!"  Maki snapped, reddening faintly.

 

"But Nico stopped you."  Rin added.

 

"No!"  Maki turned away and began to pace around, avoiding the eyes of her friends.

 

"She really tries."  Hanayo smiled sadly at Maki. 

 

"As hilarious as Maki is, did Kotori-chan say anything to you?  I'm worried about her, and if there's a problem I don't think she'll say what it is until it comes to a head."

 

Hanayo took a few moments to consider Honoka's problem.

 

"I guess we need to think about it for a while.  I thought she was fine after they made up..."

 

"And made out, nya!"

 

"Yes, that as well.  For the moment maybe we should think about what we can do right now."

 

"What do you mean?"  Honoka asked.

 

"If there's going to be a presentation...  You know that some...  Less subtle members of the group have a tendency to provoke Umi.  And that might make things worst for Kotori."

 

"She's talking about you, Honoka."  Maki stepped back into the conversation.

 

Honoka glanced wide-eyed at Hanayo who nodded apologetically.

 

"But not just you.  And you're clued in this time.  At some point Umi is going to ask for questions."  Hanayo carried on swiftly.

 

"At the end, obviously.  When else would you do it."  Maki interjected, scoffing.

 

They all turned to look at her.  Maki threw her hands up in the air, sighed loudly and began to pace again.

 

"Anyway, that's probably where the trouble will start.  So if we just keep it quiet it should be okay."

 

"Trouble?"  Honoka queried.

 

"She's talking about Nozomi...  And..."  Maki shook her head.  "...Nico-chan."

 

"Especially after you riled her up."  Hanayo noted pointedly.

 

"Why not just tell them?"  Honoka suggested.

 

"Sure."  Maki began to chuckle.  Hanayo was politely trying not laugh as well.

 

"You just try that and see how it goes with those clowns."  Maki finished.

 

"She doesn't know it but Umi's going to be waving a red cape at them."  Hanayo explained.

 

"We could ask Umi not to do it?"  Rin suggested.

 

At that Honoka did laugh.  Hanayo patted her classmate on the head.

 

"I don't want you to die, Rin-chan.  Umi doesn't always..."

 

"Take advice from her awesome friends."  Honoka finished.

 

"To put it mildly."

 

"And after all, once you've done all the preparation...  Right?"  Maki spread her hands.

 

They all turned to look at her again.

 

"What!?  Oh, forget it."  Maki waved them away.

 

********************

 

When they filed into the club room after school Umi had already set-up a standing portable screen and projector, which was hooked up to her laptop at the head of the table.

 

"Okay everyone, I have something I want to discuss with you all today."  She announced as everyone took their seats.  "Something that's not directly related to μ's current schedule but none the less, I think is important for you all to understand."

 

Honoka glanced at Kotori, who was sitting next to her.  The brunette seemed to freeze for a moment, and then she slowly looked up Umi.  Her face was totally blank and Honoka knew that was not a good sign at all. 

 

Honoka looked up as Umi began to speak again.

 

"As some of you may know, Kotori and I have recently embarked upon a relationship outside of our established friendship and professional partnership within the group.  I wanted to explain the basis for this relationship along with the changes it may bring to group dynamic.  As such I've prepared a presentation which I'll take you through this afternoon and answer any questions you may have.  Kotori and I also want to assure each of you that it will not affect the group adversely, nor will we be taking out responsibilities lightly as a result of any potential clashes between our professional and personal relationship."

 

Honoka glanced around in the ensuing silence. 

 

Maki was strategically sat across the table from Nico, closest to Umi and tucked in next to Eli.  Both of them seemed slightly mesmerised as the title-card of Umi's presentation flashed up on screen ('Sonoda Umi and Minami Kotori: A _Working_ Relationship.'), the text was encased in the faint outline of a heart.

 

Nozomi, sat next to Eli, was rapidly blinking.  She kept looking up at Umi and then back down at the table, as if she couldn't quite believe what was happening.

 

Rin and Hanayo were further down the table.  They both wore neutral expressions, though as Honoka made eye-contact with Hanayo the younger girl did express a certain surprise at what was unfolding before them.

 

Nico and Kotori were sat either side of Honoka.  When she looked at Kotori she saw the same blank expression, now with the slightest frown creeping through.

 

"Jesus Christ."  Nico muttered, breaking the silence.

 

She looked up to find everyone looking at her before they all quickly turned away.  A rhythmic tapping distracted her and Nico turned to the head of the table to see Umi tapping her wireless remote in the palm of her hand, her eyes contained a lecture worst than any threat.

 

Nico groaned and leaned back in her chair.  "Go on.  Please."

 

"Thank-you."  Umi replied curtly, clicking onto the next slide.

 

Honoka had helped out per Umi's instructions but most of the content had been a tightly-kept secret, so the first few sections were as surprising to her as anyone else.  They were...  Relatively normal.  _Relatively_ being the key-word for the situation they were in.

 

The section that Honoka had helped with came up after a few minutes.  It was entitled 'Popularity and School Gossip.'

 

"Now, as some of you may have already guessed, when someone as...  Graceful...  And beautiful as Kotori...  Decides to..."  Umi trailed off, enraptured by her girlfriend as she was.

 

For her part, Kotori looked around wildly for a moment before meeting Umi's gaze with an incredibly awkward smile.

 

Nozomi made a cooing sound at the exchange.  This seemed to bring Umi back to the moment.

 

"...Ahem...  When that happens then inevitably people want to know about it.  As school idols it's important to be aware of that and factor any possible reception into our appeal.  Thankfully, and understandably, in this case it's a good thing."  Umi clicked the next slide on.

 

A series of charts came on-screen.  They showed known couples who ranked highest in popularity within the school.  Umi and Kotori were ranked highest.

 

"What!?"  Nico shot up out of her chair.  "What the fuck is this!?"

 

Far from being angry, Umi regarded Nico with sympathetic, almost patronizing look.

 

"Nico, I can't help it if my _girlfriend_..."  Umi was on the verge of losing herself again before she snapped back into action.  "...If Kotori-chan is the name on everyone's lips."

 

Nozomi made another cooing sound.  This time Umi acknowledged it with a knowing smile.

 

"What are your sources!?"  Nico demanded, undeterred.

 

"My sources will remain anonymous to ensure that they're impartial."  Umi replied, winking at Honoka.

 

While the situation did call for focus, Honoka was rather proud of her work and she couldn't resist a subtle nod of acknowledgement in return. 

 

Unfortunately for her, Nico immediately latched onto the exchange.  However, before she could retort Kotori spoke up for the first time since they had entered the room.

 

"Honoka-chan, can I speak to you outside please?"  She asked quietly.

 

"Sure."

 

They both swiftly stepped outside of the clubroom, ignoring the eyes on them as Honoka slid the door shut, isolating them both in the deserted corridor.

 

"Honoka-chan..."  Kotori started.

 

She was interrupted as the door slid back open.  Nico emerged in a flash.

 

"You and me, right now."  She growled at Honoka.

 

Maki suddenly appeared behind Nico, grabbing her by the back of her collar and dragging her back inside.

 

"Excuse us."  She apologized, reaching around a struggling Nico to close the door once more.

 

Alone once more, Kotori looked up at Honoka, eyes wide.

 

_Steady now._

"Honoka-chan...  Did you know about this?"  Kotori asked, her voice carrying an almost unbearably fragile quality.

 

"I did not, not know about it."  Honoka replied carefully.

 

Kotori's eyes narrowed slightly.

 

"How do you think I feel right now?"  She whispered.

 

"...Loved..?"  Honoka suggested in desperation, pointedly looking away.

 

"Okay, Honoka-chan."  Kotori turned to head back inside.

 

Honoka reached out to stop her and Kotori paused when Honoka's hand touched her shoulder.

 

"I know...  How this seems..."  Honoka whispered, grasping for the words she had been searching for all day.  "I know that it's _a lot_.  For you."

 

Kotori turned back to her, her face guarded once more.

 

"I know...  We all know how Umi is."  Honoka continued.  "When she told me she wanted to do this I didn't try to stop her because she was so happy.  About you.  And she wanted everyone to know."

 

Kotori nodded, the edge of something crossing her features.  She turned back to the door.

 

It was time for the final gambit.

 

"How do you think she feels right now?  In front of everyone, without you there."  Honoka murmured.

 

Kotori paused for a moment.  Then she slowly slid the door open and stepped inside.  Honoka quickly followed and they both re-took their seats beside a seething Nico.

 

The presentation continued for another twenty minutes before Umi finally came to her conclusion; it was a pledge to the group, ensuring once more that their relationship wouldn't interfere with the inner-workings of the group.

 

Maki and Eli clapped as Umi finished, both appeared to be genuinely impressed.

 

It was at that point that Umi opened the floor to questions.

 

Nozomi immediately flung her hand in the air, her eyes announcing her eagerness to all.

 

Umi regarded her for a moment and then looked around.

 

Honoka made eyes at Hanayo and the younger girl took the hint.  She put her hand up.

 

Umi pointed at her.  Nozomi sighed loudly.

 

"Um...  I was wondering...  How you...  Chose the font you used for the presentation?"

 

"I was just thinking the same thing!"  Eli exclaimed.

 

The question seemed to be the right one and Umi enthusiastically explained her trial and error with various fonts before crafting her own online for the next five minutes.  It had been a testing trial of her attention to detail, the desired font had to mix the crisp and clear lettering that represented Umi with a more artistic and refined sense of calligraphy that would represent Kotori.

 

Afterwards she promised to pass it onto Eli, who seemed mightily pleased with her catch.  Maki also commented that it was _bold_ move.  Her slight smile seemed to indicate that she approved the risk taken though.

 

Nozomi put her hand up again.  Once more Umi looked at anyone else.

 

Hanayo nudged Rin, who had dozed off, with her elbow.  She lurched back into the moment, thrusting her hand in the air.

 

Umi pointed to her.  Nozomi groaned again.

 

"How..."  Rin paused for a few moments.  Umi's gaze intensified with her growing impatience.

 

Hanayo mumbled something to her.

 

"How do...  Lyrics...  How does this affect the lyrics..?  Nya..."  Rin asked, unsure of her own question.

 

Umi paused before answering.  "That's...  I hadn't thought of that..."

 

Honoka put her face in her hands, holding back a groan as Umi seemed to look around, as if to pluck an answer out of the air.

 

"I...  Don't think it changes anything.  I...  Promise to still be objective and...  Yes."  Umi answered slowly, glancing around as if expecting to be challenged on the matter.

 

"Okay.  That is...  Okay."  Rin nodded, glancing at Hanayo, who patted her arm and nodded.  "Nya!"

 

Nozomi's hand went back up.  This time Nico also put hers up.

 

Umi grimaced as she looked between them.

 

Honoka tried to rack her brain for something.  She lifted her hand up and Umi quickly seized on the opening.

 

"I was first!"  Nozomi cut in.  "So, I have a lot of questions.  First of all, I think this needs to be standard protocol for any inter-group relationship."

 

Everyone groaned, except Maki, who eyed Nico and nodded.  Nozomi carried on undeterred.

 

"Secondly, we really need to have both of you up there.  I mean, let's get a look at the happy couple, ya know?"  Nozomi nudged Eli several times until she grudgingly acknowledged her point while rolling her eyes. 

 

Whenever the blonde starting going through the motions to placate her classmate the entire group knew they were spinning and crashing into classic Nozomi territory.  The transition was unstoppable.

 

Honoka could foresee only one end result, a blushing and gushing Umi.  It was painful to watch it unfold.

 

"Thirdly, where was Kotori's input?  Show me, don't just tell me all about her.  I'm just saying, this very one-sided for a _relationship based on equality_."  Nozomi chided.

 

"Well...  Yes...  'Suppose...  I..."  Umi mumbled.

 

But before she could get going Nozomi was there again.

 

"Maybe some costumes.  More finesse."  Nozomi suggested before pausing, a finger on her lips as she considered further adjustments.  "Definitely some more _pizzazz_."  She continued.

 

Honoka sensed that the room was starting to grow (even more) uncomfortable as Nozomi drove on.  They were all used to this routine by now and most of them had suffered a Tojo humbling more than once.  The girls had learnt to take it in good humour because Nozomi always had the good sense to know where to draw the line, along with a deft touch of self-deprecation.

 

But something was different here.

 

Then she remembered Hanayo saying something earlier.      

 

_She doesn't know it but Umi's going to be waving a red cape at them._

 

Honoka didn't pretend to know quite what her friend had meant but she guessed it had something to with what was unfolding right now.

  

She glanced to Kotori, at her side.  She was looking down at hands, which Honoka noticed were shaking slightly.  Honoka prodded her and Kotori looked up briefly, but her eyes didn't meet her friend's.

 

"Mostly, I'm thinking of motivation.  Where did this all start?  How?  Take us on the journey, convince us of the intimacy..."

 

"That's enough."  Kotori stood up slowly, her voice quiet but firm.

 

"Kotori, I was just..."

 

"That's enough."  Kotori repeated.  There was no anger or aggression but her voice left no room for argument.

 

Nozomi paused.  Eli nudged her and gave a slight shake of her head.

 

Honoka watched as Nozomi's expression seemed to shift.  Something dawned across her features. 

 

It was _regret_.  An unpleasant realization that she had let her jibes get away from her.  There had been something said, even if unspoken, that had been let loose by mistake.

 

Even Honoka could see it.  The words ran though her mind again...

 

_...Waving a red cape..._

She put the thought to one side as she turned to watch Kotori walk around the table, moving next to Umi.

 

The blue-haired second-year looked up at Kotori and Honoka could see another expression play out.

 

_Relief._

She had reached out on instinct, her hand tugging on the sleeve of Kotori's blazer.

 

"Everything that Umi said.  That's the truth.  It's how she feels and it's how I feel."  As she spoke her arm found it's way around the curve of Umi's lower back, to settle around her waist as she drew Umi closer.

 

Looking upon them, Honoka was taken aback.  She blinked and looked again.

 

It was as though until now their relationship had been a glimmer to her, something not quite whole even as it caught her eye.  But to see them now, it felt _real_.  It was undeniable.  Perhaps it was the way Kotori seemed to shield Umi, a reverse of how so much of their childhood had played out.  Perhaps it was just the simple fact that neither showed any fear in that moment.

 

It was here.  Undeniable.

 

Honoka felt herself smile.

 

*********************

 

The train ride home.

 

"I think the popularity research went down well."  Honoka broke the silence.

 

Kotori turned to her with a expression torn between quizzical and concerned.

 

"What on earth did you ask people?"

 

"Me?"  Honoka motioned to herself, eyes wide with mock-confusion.  "I didn't do anything."

 

Kotori turned back to Umi.

 

"I can't believe you let her loose on unsuspecting people."

 

"I...  As Honoka said, that was confidential."  Umi looked away.

 

"She had a very reliable and handsome source though, trust me."  Honoka added.

 

"I imagine she has a big mouth as well."

 

"I wouldn't know."

 

"I'm sure she had the best of intentions anyway."  Umi concluded.

 

"Aww, really?"  Honoka gave her a quick hug.

 

"Let's just give the presentations a rest for a while."  Kotori stated.

 

"Yes, that may be for the best."

 

"If you really feel the need you can always show me on a _one-to-one basis_."

 

"K-K-Kotori..."

 

Honoka laughed as Umi flushed bright red, voice stumbling as she tried to talk her way out of her embarrassment, a futile task.  By comparison, Kotori applied a completely innocent facade as she teased.

 

"I bet we can find some more suitable slides.  And luckily, we're both very prompt note-takers.  I'm sure we'll learn quickly."

 

"...Kotori, that's not..."

 

"Isn't it important to adopt a _focused_ , studious attitude towards any academic endeavour?"

 

Umi groaned and looked down at her feet, desperately trying to pull herself together.

 

"And Nozomi mentioned costumes.  I'll get to work on those right away.  So many possibilities...  I-I mean practical applications, of course."

 

Honoka was still chuckling as she stepped off of the train, waving to her friends as she turned towards the exit. 

 

It occurred to her that she had never really grasped where the divide between her friends had originated, even they had now crossed it.  The details didn't seem to matter anymore as she turned back, the train beginning to pull away.

 

For the a moment, frozen in time as the train passed her, Kotori and Umi were framed in the window flashing by.  They were gazing affectionately at each other, almost as if unaware that each was being watched in turn by the other.

 

The moment passed and the train whizzed out of the station.  Honoka looked after it for a moment.  Suddenly it occurred to her that they had spent most of their life looked at each other that way.

 

It just seemed to fit, Honoka thought.


	9. Ambulance

With the winter drawing in the daylight after school had become scarce.  Umi was lucky to get in half an hour of archery practice, and that was on the days where μ's didn't demand her time as a priority.  So with the preliminaries merely a few days away it was a rare occasion indeed for Umi to find herself stalking the school's archery range, bow in hand and with enough of the day left to empty a few quivers.

 

For a few satisfying minutes she relished the deserted range (the rest of her 'other' team had practised earlier in the day), finding her mark with one arrow after another in the ensuing silence of the darkening sky.

 

For a few minutes more she didn't even notice the arrival, nor the presence of her companion.

 

When she did it was just a slight sound that alerted her, the soft swish and scribble of a pencil on paper.

 

Umi glanced over her shoulder to find Kotori sitting on the wooden-panelled floor, her back leaning against a pillar set a few paces back from Umi's position, at the edge of the range.  She had a sketch pad open in her lap and she gazed up at Umi in-between strokes of her pencil.

 

"Are you drawing the range?"  Umi asked without thinking, caught off-guard as she was.

 

"Something like that.  Don't move too far."  Kotori replied.

 

Umi looked back outside.  There was quite a dramatic sunset forming, she supposed.

 

The sky was gradually shifting between tones of red, pink and orange.  The few clouds that lined the sky seemed to be contorting between the swirling array of colours.

 

Umi hadn't noticed as she had lined each shot behind her bow, her eyes forming a crosshair on each subsequent target.  Kotori had always been the one to pick out these moments, to find the beauty in everyday, in the now.

 

Umi drew another shaft and drew back on her bow.  For a few moments she just stood there.  Her eyes, so sharp a few moments ago seemed to swerve from one angle to the next.  Her breathing had suddenly become erratic, no clear measure of in-and-out, just shallow gasps and shudders.  All she could feel was the tension in the bow-string.

 

No prize for guessing what had brought on the change.  She always got this way, not just when _she_ was watching, but even when she just weighed on Umi's mind.

 

She considered putting her bow down and calling it a day but did nothing, stubbornly refusing to give in.  There had to be a point where she could handle herself in front of her girlfriend without being flustered at every turn.

 

Umi took a deep breath and tried to find an even balance in the rhythm of her breathing.  She let loose a shaft.  It found the target board but not the mark of her eye.

 

She fired several more times and gradually her aim seemed to come together once more.

 

After a few minutes she turned around to find that Kotori had put down her sketch pad, instead she watching something on her phone.  The tinny audio of Kotori's phone reached Umi's ears and she sighed at the familiar, irritating sound.  Kotori looked up and smiled.

 

Umi strode over to her and looked down.  Just as she had thought.

 

Kotori was watching a YouTube video that starred none other than Yazawa Nico and it was quickly making her an internet sensation for all of the wrong reasons (read: reasons other than why Nico wanted to be famous, but she would still take it).

 

The video was a recording of Nico asleep.  She was softly snoring and (even Umi had to admit) it really did sound like she was snoring her own name over and over.  To clarify, she wasn't talking in her sleep, she was snoring words.

 

The video had appeared online the day before Umi's presentation.  Maki had obviously recorded the video but vehemently denied it, but that state of denial was an understatement concerning her reaction when being accused of uploading it.

 

Regardless of who had done the deed (the account that posted the video was called 'anonymous tomato') the video was quickly becoming the next big online debate, in this case on if Nico was actually 'speaking or snoring' in her sleep (there was an online poll that was leaning towards speaking). 

 

It was a lot like that dress, remember that?  Blue or white?  Umi didn't care then and she didn't care now.

 

Nico's reaction to finding out about the video was very much in keeping with her polarizing personality.  At first she had simply resorted to violence every time ( _every time_ ) she had caught anyone ( _anyone_ ) watching it.  This went doubly so for the girls.

 

Then, when the hits had reached the hundreds of thousands Nico had suddenly rolled with the punches in a way even Umi had to admire.  She had gone from threatening to strangle people to working it into her super-sweet-schmaltzy idol shtick ("Isn't Nico cute?  So cute even in her sleep.  I hope you can dream of Nico-Nico-Ni too!").

 

Unfortunately if she caught any of the girls watching it they still got a punch in the face and / or a whiny lecture.  Umi wasn't sure which was worst but the threat of either was probably the reason why Kotori was hiding out here to watch the video for...  Umi had lost count of how many times she had caught her girlfriend giggling manically at her phone this past week.

 

"Definitely speaking."  Kotori stated, not for the first time.

 

"Just snoring."  Umi replied.

 

Kotori pouted.  "You just don't want to believe it's possible."

 

"That's exactly right."  Umi replied.  "Because if Nico believes she can actually do that then I don't want to think of what she'll try next."

 

"I bet you could do it."

 

"What?"

 

"Snore your own name.  You're so disciplined."

 

"I couldn't because it's _not possible_."

 

"Spoilsport."

 

"You know that I'm right."  Umi shot her a frown.  "You're just going to encourage her."

 

"I like Nico's enthusiasm." 

 

"Sure.  Sure you do."  Umi took up her bow again.

 

"You have to encourage your friends when they're so enthusiastic."  Kotori noted innocuously.

 

Umi sighed and felt her hands fall down to her sides.

 

_Here it comes._

 

"Don't you think?"

 

"I said that I'm sorry, Kotori-chan.  Please..."

 

Suddenly, Umi felt a pair of arms encircle her waist and a soft body press up against her back.  She couldn't help but gasp slightly, Kotori caught it.

 

"Perhaps I'm being too forward?"  She teased into Umi's ear.

 

"I'm never going to live that down."  Umi muttered.

 

"Groaning every time I touch you?"

 

Umi remained silent.  She had learnt by now that opening her mouth generally only made things worst.

 

"...Or that fateful presentation?"

 

Umi sighed again.

 

"Let's review the facts and try to come to a conclusion."

 

"...Kotori-chan..."

 

Umi had endured a week of non-stop taunting like this-

 

No, Hang on.  It's important to clarify that _taunting_ meant that there had been a 'presentation' at every meeting at the clubroom since.  Today had been Rin's turn, she chosen to go with: _Breakfast, a meal that should be served all day..?  Or should it?_   And it hadn't even answered that question!  Should it or shouldn't it?  Umi didn't know!  Though it wasn't exactly a downward slide of quality, the day before had brought Nozomi's ruminations on: _Why Eli looks cute today._   The less said about that the better.  Mostly for Eli's sake. 

 

Umi had endured it all at her own expense.  What was worst was that even if they were jokes they were still _bad_ presentations.  For example, between her slides Umi had used tasteful samples of strings and harp chords to make the transition, it worked with her theme, enveloping the audience into her way of thinking.  By comparison Rin had used that race-car sound effect _every time_ something changed on screen, its only effect was to make Umi want to run her over with an actual car.   

 

-And while the others enjoyed their jibes Kotori had taken it upon herself to chastise Umi in her own special way in every waking moment that wasn't spent watching Nico snore her own name.

 

It hadn't taken Umi long to realise the extent of her mistake.  Looking back she wasn't sure what had possessed her to go so far.  Obviously, Kotori's mother had been a matter of direct problem solving, but why she had taken the idea to the next level at school was a mystery.  She only knew now that she would be paying for that presentation for the rest of her life.

 

...Though...  If you took what Kotori had said literally and reviewed the facts...  Well, there probably was a reason why Umi had done it...

 

*******************

 

The weekend after her proclamations of regimented true love before the others had found Umi kneeling on the floor of her father's dojo.  It was early, the sun slowly lumbering towards it's zenith, light gradually edging in-between the half-open doors, slowly illuminating the room.

 

Her father knelt opposite her, silent and eyes closed in meditation.  Umi had tried to marshal her own thoughts for the last...  She couldn't remember or measure time from the point of waking up until this moment.

 

"Father..."  Umi called out to him before she could stop herself.

 

His eyes flickered open but he didn't appear to begrudge her disturbing him.

 

"What's wrong?"  His voice was quiet, in keeping with the slowly awakening morning.

 

"I...  Told everyone else, I mean my friends.  I told them about me and Kotori-chan."

 

Umi's father glanced up at her but remained silent.

 

"I'm not sure if it was the best thing to do.  Maybe I...  Didn't handle it...  Right."  Umi continued.

 

"Why do you think that?"  He asked.

 

"I think I..."  Umi paused and sighed.  "...Went overboard."

 

Again, her father said nothing.

 

"Kotori didn't really say anything but...  Sometime I think she still..."  Umi wasn't sure how to phrase it, her voice trailed away.

 

"What _exactly_ did you do?"

 

Umi took a deep breath and gave her father the brief version of events.  By the end he was laughing, a low rumble that echoed faintly around the dojo.

 

"You laughed when I told you and mother as well!"  Umi threw the accusation at him.

 

"You didn't tell us.  You _announced_ it to us."

 

"What difference does it make?"

 

"Umi...  You need to understand that people take things differently.  I'm sure there was a good reason why you told your friends but answer me this: did you tell Kotori?"

 

"Yea...  Yes, yes.  I mean, I did...  I..."  Umi racked her memory for exactly what she had said to Kotori in the build-up.

 

"You told her exactly how you felt and what you were planning to do?"

 

"Well...  She knew how I felt, I'm sure...  And I wanted it to be a surprise."

 

Umi looked up to meet her father's eyes.  He remained silent.

 

She closed her eyes and shook her head.

 

_That's right._

 

"Perhaps I could have been...  More clear in my intent."  She finally admitted.

 

"I imagine Kotori would have liked to hear everything you had to say.  Just between the two of you.  And perhaps with less of the theatrics."

 

"Theatrics?"  Umi's eyes went wide with indignation.

 

"She's not an school assignment.  No one is grading you.  There are some things in life you cannot prepare for, and believe me, that's a good thing."

  

Those words sparked an spiralling series thoughts and memories in Umi. 

 

She kept going back to the morning after she had kissed Kotori properly for the first time.  She hadn't known what to do, just that she needed to see Kotori as soon as possible. 

 

The morning had been frozen all around them. 

 

They hadn't spoken at first.  But then...

 

_"You are so dense sometimes."_

_"Oh, come on..."_

_"You are.  But it's okay, I really love you."_

No, before that.  Before they had spoken.  It felt like they had said so much without words.  _How_ was a mystery.

 

"I don't know how to tell her, to say it."  Umi said aloud.

 

"Then just say it."  Her father replied.

 

"But I don't _know_ how...  Or when...  Or..."

 

"The next time you can."

 

"What if I misread it again?  What if I get it wrong?"

 

"You've already been wrong once, now you can only be right."

 

"It's not that simple."

 

"Honesty _is_ simple."

 

She wanted to scream in that moment.  Because he was so wrong...  And he was right.

 

There had been that moment in her now fabled presentation when Kotori had stood up...  That had been honest.  She had felt such a swelling of pride when Kotori had stood beside her and said in no uncertain terms:

 

_This is us._

Had Umi really done enough in return?  She wanted Kotori to feel the same way she had.  _To know it_. 

 

She had already said those fabled three words to Kotori.  She had always assumed that was it.  But no, now she knew that it was just the beginning.  Where those words had once been reserved there was now something else.  It was deep down, beyond just a phrase or a gesture.  She had to get it out. 

 

She had been trying.  But slides and charts would never capture it.  There was no plan to follow, nothing to research.

 

There was the song, but it just wasn't enough alone. 

 

It felt out of her reach.

 

And what if it was the _wrong_ thing to do or say?  What if Kotori didn't understand?

 

Just the thought of losing her...

 

"I'm scared..."  Umi whispered.

 

When she looked up the light that had crept through the doors had coloured the wooden floor between them with a deep gold in contrast to the deep shadows all around them.  It seemed like all of her thought we laid out there, jumbled and cluttered.

 

It was dazzling.

 

"I'm sure Kotori is as well."  Her father's voice seeped into her ears.  "And didn't you tell me that you promised her something?"

 

Umi looked him in the eye.

 

_I promise I'll always try._

 

For a few moments they didn't speak, then she nodded slowly and closed her eyes.

 

********************

 

Her arrow clipped the edge of the board.  She was straining her eyes now, the sun having dipped behind the buildings in the distance a few minutes ago.

 

"Do you want to go home?"

 

"Just a little longer."

 

She needed time.  Just a little more time.

 

"You want to come back to mine for a while?"

 

"Yeah."  Umi answered without really considering it.

 

It seemed like she could only run head-long into this.

 

She notched another arrow and waited.  That goddamn sound of Nico snoring brushed against her ears again.  Kotori's giggles weren't far behind. 

 

She exhaled slowly and loosened the shaft.  Just left of centre, but better.

 

"How do you feel about the song?"  Umi asked.

 

"Everything's ready.  Nervous?"

 

"No."

 

"Really?"

 

"Somewhat...  Yes."

 

"Why?"

 

"I just hope the song works...  That it..."

 

Umi put her bow down.  The light was too low.

 

"What?"

 

Kotori appeared alongside her, the shadows hanging from the edge of the range partly obscuring her face.

 

"I want it to...  Explain.  The parts that I wrote."  Umi stumbled.

 

Her throat felt dry.  There seemed to be nothing else to say.  She looked out across the range, drowning in the dark as it converged towards dusk.

 

She felt a warm body lean against her, cool breath against her neck.

 

********************

 

They were close, laying on Kotori's bed next to each other.

 

From the archery range to the train ride home, where Kotori's face had only been intermitidly lit by the strafing streetlights, to now, where the only illumination came from a dim lamp on Kotori's desk, Umi found her girlfriend's face concealed from her longing gaze.  The light behind her only caught the edge of Kotori's hair, giving it that ashen quality you could halfway catch in a certain light.

 

She was still beautiful.  Umi breathed her in.  It burned her lungs.

 

There was a scent that was all her own.  Umi tried to place it but she always changed her mind.  She thought of flowers and places but perhaps she had never been to wherever it originated from yet.

 

It was odd.  Kotori was her oldest friend (co-oldest, maybe) and definitely her most reliable companion (no argument there) but since they had kissed Umi had began to notice all of things about her that were elusive; sights and sounds that didn't seem to hold to reality.  Ethereal moments chilling in their beauty because they gave Umi the uneasy sense that Kotori could disappear, slipping between her fingers no matter how Umi tried to grasp her.

 

She felt a hand brush against her forehead, sweeping a loose lock of royal-blue hair aside.

 

"Are you somewhere else?"

 

"Not really.  Just thinking."

 

"What about?"

 

"You."

 

She heard Kotori laugh softly in the dark.

 

"Nothing lewd, I hope."  She teased.

 

 _It's a good thing she doesn't know about that dream you had where you..._     

 

"No.  Pure thoughts for my pure girlfriend."  Umi mumbled.

 

Kotori laughed again and leaned in to brush her lips against Umi's.

 

It was a lovely feeling.  Something she would miss.  Something she wouldn't forget.

 

Kotori's hand drifted down from Umi's shoulder, resting lightly on her breast.  Even through her shirt and bra she could feel it as if she were bare.  Despite that she didn't shift or move away.

 

"I expected you to jump."  Kotori whispered after a few moments.

 

"Well, I'll admit...  I did something like that last time."

 

"Because I was plucking your innocence away.  And mine.  I believe you clarified that for me."

 

Umi sighed.  She really needed to get a grip on these things.

 

"You've changed so much lately.  It's hard to believe."  Kotori said after another lapse into silence.

 

"You've changed me."

 

"Really?  You think so?"

 

To answer, Umi leaned in for a kiss of her own making.

 

_Peach - just like at the train station._

Umi remembered that the taste had lingered as she had rode the tracks away.  It had become almost cloying when she had accepted what she had done.  And how a part of her had lusted for more.

 

This was much better.

 

**********************

 

Umi woke up, immediately aware that she was alone.

 

She panicked for a moment, hands reaching out all over Kotori's bed.  Then she paused; she often awoke to find Kotori working at her desk or downstairs, fetching them both something to eat or drink.

 

Umi sat up.  She was alone in the room.  The desk light was still on so she drifted over to it, sitting down at the desk.

 

The table-top was littered with homework, costume reference books and magazines.  Spread amongst the glossier pages were Kotori's own sketch books and notepads, Umi shifted through the mass of paper to examine them.  She glanced across numerous designs, notes and annotations.  The work was so detailed that it seemed like a foreign language to her.

 

As she leaned back in the chair she noticed another sketch book poking out from under a small mountain of magazines.  Out of idle curiosity she pulled it out, noting that it had an olive green cover with a single sentence written on it...

 

_To have loved is to have lost._

She opened the book and scanned through several pages.

 

Oddly, It wasn't that every picture was of her that struck Umi, it was the changes in-between.  Every page was different despite featuring the same subject.  At first you could interpret the differences as expressions or emotions but as she kept turning the pages something more undefined had been captured, something...

 

Maybe it was...  The way that only you can see one person.  When they become inextricably linked to you.  They change.

 

Slowly, with each page she realised that these pictures were manifestations of the way she had perceived Kotori for so long, the little hidden moments.  The things she was sure everyone else missed.

 

They were all here, just in reverse.  Exposed in herself.

 

And then she came to the page depicting the airport.

 

It sent Umi into a tailspin as she remembered.

 

On the anointed day she had kept looking at her watch...

 

 _...Kotori will be at the airport, Kotori will be going through security, Kotori will be checking her gate, Kotori will be gone..._  

 

Each rasping breath felt like being slowly choked by the hands of her watch as they clicked on cruelly. 

 

Suffocating in silence because, you see, Umi was _such a good friend_ and if Kotori wanted to go away then she wouldn't ( _couldn't_ ) stand in her way.

 

And then Honoka had arrived and she caved immediately, manipulating her friend into doing what she couldn't do alone.  Didn't have the courage to.

 

She remembered the taxi to the airport vividly.

 

The blinding rage...

 

At Honoka for making this whole stupid mess.

 

At Kotori for _leaving._

 

At herself for letting all of this happen.  For being so weak where it counted. 

 

For _failing_.

 

For _being such a 'good' friend._

For _fucking lying._  

 

Because you could lie without ever opening your mouth.  Those were the biggest and worst lies.  You could hide behind them and nobody would ever know.  Because you hadn't said anything.

 

She had wanted to shove the driver aside and take the wheel, anything to get them there faster.  Drive right through the terminal.  Crash into the plane.  Just _get to Kotori._

 

To be selfish, to be a bad friend.  To tell her that she couldn't go.  That she had to stay.

 

Reasons didn't matter.  There was no argument to be had.

 

_She just had to stay._

 

She saw it in the lines Kotori had imprinted upon the page.  So far in the distance, she hadn't been the one.  She hadn't been there, Honoka had.  And so Umi had been able to bury it all down deep because someone else could do just enough to make Kotori stay.

 

A pair of hands reached around her and grasped the edges of the open book.  They closed it firmly.

 

Umi looked down at the book.

 

_To have loved is to have lost._

 

She could feel the fire inside her head.  Those memories and now...

 

She opened the book again and put it down on the desk.

 

She got up and spun around, grabbing Kotori and holding her where she stood.  She could barely see her but it didn't matter.

 

"I never wanted you to leave.  I wanted to stop you.  I can't let you go.  Do you understand?"

 

"Umi..."

 

"I have to tell you.  I'd just...  I know how I sound, I know I'm so self-centred.  You just have to.  I can't lose you _._ "

 

And just like that, she could see her again.

 

" _I belong to you_."  Umi whispered into her ear before kissing her neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter will follow soon. End of the month at the latest.


	10. Shelter

She twisted and was pushed back, falling against her desk.  Books and magazine tumbled into small avalanches all around her.  Everything seemed to shake.  Her vision was a haze where the only colour that stood out was royal blue.

 

She had the sensation that she was falling towards the sky, that this was both inexplicably wonderful and wild in it's spur-of-the-moment terror.  She could feel herself being pulled apart in opposing directions, towards the things she knew and towards the thing she longed for. 

 

Every sense was awash with the girl before her.  The only other distinct thing was the truth, it was steaming towards like a train in the distance.  It roared; _Umi had seen_.  And then the words that tormented her...

 

_I think you focus on what you want rather than what you have._

They echoed from all-around and reverberated from the back of mind, riding to the forefront like a deafening tidal wave to clash with everything else. 

 

_You can't see the wood from the trees._

 

She wanted to let go, to push away.  To run away.

 

Her hands were wrapped up in Umi shirt.  She wanted to rip it off.

 

Kotori had never felt so torn. 

 

Umi pulled back for a moment and without her lips against her skin, Kotori felt like she was suffocating, the air suddenly so thin in her lungs.

 

"Did I scare you?  Is it too much?"

 

She forced herself to focus on the face before her.  The expression was so hard to read.  Like her it was caught between so many places.  But there was something...

 

...In her eyes was something so wild.  Kotori had never seen it before. 

 

"I...  I don't..."

 

She had to say something.  Anything.

 

"...Would you have let me go?  If Honoka hadn't been there?"

 

It was the only coherent thing she could say, and Kotori knew she couldn't hide any longer from the question she had been poised, sharpened in her mind for so long.

 

"I think...  I would have."

 

Maybe it didn't hurt so much because she already knew the answer.  Or...  Maybe...  It was the way Umi admitted it, something in the way she looked, tears forming in the corners of her eyes.  It hurt them both.

 

"But I would've come after you.  I know that now.  I don't care how or where, I just would have."

 

She felt Umi's arms wrapped around her, hands planted against her back and fingers digging into her skin.

 

It was an almost detached observation; she realised that she had never felt so safe and secure. 

 

"I just want you to know I'm sorry...  So sorry that it took me so long to realise."  She started to choke on her tears.

 

Kotori looked up at her.  When their eyes met she found that a smile was bubbling up, curving the corners of her lips.  It was the type of smile that comes unbidden, like seeing an old friend for the first time in a long time.  It was natural, irrepressible.

 

She put her arms around Umi's neck and pulled her down to rest against her chest as she sobbed.

 

Holding her there a thought occurred to Kotori in the form of a simple question.

 

_What's wrong?_

Umi had seen her sketch book and now she knew the truth.  That was it, the last thing she held down inside.

 

It didn't matter anymore.

 

It wasn't important.  The person before her was. 

 

Suddenly it seemed so simple.

 

"It's okay.  It's all okay now."  She whispered into Umi's ear again and again until she looked up.

 

"Really?"

 

Kotori nodded as their faces pressed together.  She could feel Umi's tears run down her own cheek.  When they finally ran dry she took Umi's chin in her hand, lifting her face up.

 

"Now, I believe you were kissing my neck here."  Kotori motioned to the aforementioned spot.

 

Even in _this_ moment Umi had the wherewithal to blush furiously.

 

Kotori couldn't help but laugh as her girlfriend squirmed.  It felt like the weight of the world slipping away. 

 

"You're lucky you have such a flexible girlfriend."  Kotori murmured as she leaned forward to press her lips against Umi neck.

 

The sweetest moan filled her ears as she left a trail butterfly kisses down Umi's neck and over her collarbone.

 

 She paused for a moment, revelling in the heat that radiated from Umi's skin.

 

"I belong to you."  She whispered.  She had to say it aloud to really contemplate the sentiment, to remind herself after her initial shock that Umi had really said that.  And meant it.

 

She glanced up and met Umi's eyes again.  Neither said anything but after a few moments Umi nodded slightly to acknowledge it.

 

Kotori felt the same, she knew it.

 

...There just wasn't any other way of thinking about it.  They belonged to each other.

 

She couldn't tear herself away from Umi's gaze as the truth filtered through.  They stared deeply, as if they were seeing each other again for the first time.

 

She felt Umi's hand around her waist and then creeping up against the skin of her back.

 

She had never felt so wanted.

 

********************

 

A few days later and they were running through snow-filled streets with Honoka in-tow towards the preliminaries.

 

Kotori was breathless, stressed and tired.  Despite this she had to stop herself from laughing for nearly the whole journey.  It was like they were on some type of crazy adventure, a smile plastered to her lips and the knowledge that everyone was waiting for them.

 

At one point she nearly slipped but Umi and Honoka were there on either side in a flash, grabbing her arms and hauling her back up and into their pace.

 

Umi held on for a moment longer than she needed to.  Kotori felt it.

 

They found a late burst when Honoka slowed down, before stopping right in front of Umi.  The blue-haired girl, who was still running full-pelt, hit Honoka and then hit the ground hard.  Kotori's immediate concern quickly evaporated as Umi scrambled to her feet and began chasing Honoka, waving her umbrella wildly as she screamed vengeance against her arch-nemesis for the good of Japan (and later on, the rest of the human race).

 

There was no time for such luxuries when they arrived, the others were waiting and there was a thousand things to do before they were ready to go on stage.

 

Kotori was running wardrobe in overdrive by the time she saw Umi next.  Aside from herself, Umi was the last to get into costume.  And unfortunately for her, Kotori was in her danger zone.

 

"Come on, out of those clothes."  Kotori harried as Umi shuffled into the changing room.

 

"K-Kotori-chan..."

 

"I don't have time for shy lady Sonoda now."  Kotori warned as she began to tug at Umi's shirt.

 

"You can't do that here!"  Umi vainly tried to defend her modesty.

 

"It's not like I haven't seen it all before.  Or won't see it again.  Besides this one of the few occasions where I'm going to put clothes _on_ you.  Quickly now."

 

Resistance was futile and after a whirlwind of activity that seemed to defy time and space, Umi found herself immaculately dressed in her stage costume.  Kotori was standing before her, placing a beret on her head.  Her tongue was fixed to the corner of her mouth while her eyes blazed with an intense focus as she titled the hat this way and that by millimetres.

 

"It's going to move anyway."  Umi whispered, always slightly intimidated by this side of her girlfriend.

 

"It had better not, Umi-chan."  Kotori warned in a voice that was far too chirpy to carry the impending threat that was undoubtedly there.

 

Finally Kotori stepped back to appraise her handiwork.

 

"Are you getting changed now?"  Umi asked, mostly just to distract from how uncomfortable she felt under Kotori dissecting gaze, it reminded her of their 'date' in the mall all of those months ago.  Somethings would never change.

 

"Yes."  Kotori replied.

 

"Um...  Would you like...  Some help..?"  Umi wasn't exactly sure what she was proposing, she just kept talking out of awkwardness.

 

"No.  Oh, wait.  I see.  That's nice, maybe next time."  Her voice was alarmingly monotone as she continued to examine Umi with laser precision.

 

Umi nodded, unsure of what exactly had just transpired.

 

"Ok.  You're good to go."  Kotori gave her a nod.  Her usual demeanour suddenly seemed to re-animate.

 

Umi breathed a deep sigh of relief as she turned to leave.  Then she paused for a moment before turning back.

 

The sight that befell her was of her girlfriend with her school-shirt halfway unbuttoned, framing a cleavage that brought a sudden rush of blood to her cheeks.

 

"Er..."

 

"Umi-chan."  Kotori glanced up at her.  "I told you, next time."

 

"N-no.  I mean, yes.  No, what I mean is...  You're doing so well, with all of us in so little time.  Thank-you, Kotori-chan."

 

Kotori paused, feeling that almost irrepressible urge to smile again.  This time she didn't try to hold it back.

 

"We're going to win this tonight, right?"

 

"Of course we are."  Umi felt herself smile as well.  "I'm here for you.  Just remember that.  No matter what."

 

*********************

 

After the show Kotori found it hard to focus, time seemed to be slipping by.  At some time close to midnight she found herself staring at her kitchen ceiling, noting the swirls in the plaster.  Within each one a picture was forming; a beautiful girl with long hair being tossed about by the wind.  

 

She wasn't sure how long she had been there when her reverie was interrupted by her mother's voice.

 

"You should go to bed.  Sonoda-san is probably already asleep."

 

Kotori found herself looking into the mischievous eyes of her mother.

 

"Why are you letting Umi-chan stay over?"  Kotori asked the question she had been querying since the decision had been made.

 

"I've never stopped Sonoda-san from staying over."  Her mother replied innocently.

 

Kotori narrowed her eyes.  Tired as she was after the show, she wasn't going to be out-foxed by her mother again.

 

"It's different...  Now."  Kotori replied cautiously.

 

"Is it?" 

 

Kotori couldn't quite suppress a yawn but she managed to keep her eyes on her mother.  She was being baited, she knew.

 

"It is."

 

"What's changed?"

 

Kotori glanced back up at the ceiling as she considered the question.

 

There were so many things...  And so few of them seemed to matter anymore.

 

"I'm happy."  It was the only way she could phrase it.  It was too broad a thing to say and really mean, she knew.  But...  Why hide it?

 

For once the laughter in her mother's eyes seem to be with her, rather than aimed at her.

 

"You were really something tonight.  You had me in tears, you know that?"

 

Kotori wasn't sure what to say as her mother embraced her.  At first her arms moved gingerly, then her words hit home and she her arms wrapped tightly around her mother.  There was a warmth there she wanted to touch.

 

"...Just gorgeous..."  Her mother murmured.     

 

When they parted her mother held her out before her gaze.

 

"Your eyes look so clear.  It's a good fit."

 

Kotori didn't know what to say.  There were so many words.  But know she knew that she didn't need any of them.

 

She smiled as a tear slid down her cheek.

 

********************

 

Kotori carefully opened the door to her bedroom and glanced inside.  The light from the hallway illuminated a sleeping bag set out on the floor in the centre of the room.

 

Umi didn't appear to stir so Kotori cautiously stepped inside, closing the door behind her.  She felt her way over to her bed within the ensuing darkness and got in.

 

Despite the tiredness grinding against her eyes, she knew that sleep wasn't coming anytime soon.  She could waste all night trying or she could...

 

"Umi-chan?"  She whispered.

 

Nothing.

 

"Umi?"  She tried again.

 

"Wha...  Kotori-chan?"  The slurred reply came after a few moments.

 

"Are you awake?"  Kotori asked.

 

"You just woke me up."

 

"Did I?"  Kotori asked innocently.  "Why don't you come to bed?"

 

There was a notable hesitation before Umi answered.

 

"I am in bed."

 

Kotori sighed and got out from under the covers.  She carefully stepped towards the centre of the room and knelt down, reaching out and feeling for Umi.

 

"You know what I mean.  Come to bed with me."

 

"I can't do that, Kotori-chan."  Her voice was muffled, as if she was trying to hide inside of the sleeping bag.

 

"Why?"

 

"I promised your mother I would stay here."

 

Kotori faintly cursed aloud.  She took back that tearful hug they'd shared earlier. 

 

"You _promised_?"

 

There was a muffled grunt to confirm it.

 

Kotori gritted her teeth in frustration.  Her mother had really picked the tie that binds; Umi's sense of honour.  This was going to take some serious work.  

 

"I can't go to sleep without you."  Kotori whispered longingly, dangling it out over Umi.

 

There was a faint cry and Kotori could hear Umi shuffling around inside the sleeping bag.

 

"I'm scared Umi-chan."  She was laying it on thick now.  Her mother wasn't getting the better of her this time.  "I need you."

 

There was another muffled groan.

 

"You know that I don't like the dark."

 

"That's a lie!"  The accusation came swiftly.  "You're not afraid of the dark.  Go back to bed.  I'm not falling for your tricks."

 

Kotori stared down at the sleeping bag in disdain, she was quickly losing patience.

 

She reached down and found the zipper on one side of the bag.  She yanked it down halfway and then felt a sudden resistance as Umi caught it and tried to zip it back up.

 

"I'm...  coming in."  Kotori tried to hook her feet into the top of the bag.

 

"No!  Kotori-chan!  Don't do it!  I promised!"  

 

Kotori managed to slide into the bag before Umi could zip it back up.  It wasn't a particularly big sleeping bag and they were immediately crushed together in their shifting battle; Kotori trying to fit in while Umi was trying to push her out.

 

"You can't stop me.  We're going to have a wonderful night together and there's nothing you can do to stop it!"  Kotori reached out and grabbed Umi's legs, which she was currently using to try and push her out, and locked on.

 

"No...  No..."  Umi whined as she realised defeat.  "...But I promised."

 

They stayed like that for a few minutes until Umi began to shuffle around.  She was huddled in the bottom of the bag.

 

"You forgot your pillow."  It was Umi's last throw of the dice.

 

_Damn._

Kotori looked longingly over to her bed where she had indeed left her favourite yellow pillow.  If she made a dash for it she would never get back in.

 

_Sacrifices have to be made._

"I...  I don't care."  She replied stubbornly.

 

"You don't mean that.  You've never slept without it."

 

_She's crafty.  Be strong._

"I'm not going anywhere.  I'm perfectly fine here."  Though as she said it the pillow she was currently resting on was beginning to feel like a stone slab.

 

There was another stalemate for about a minute.

 

"This is incredibly uncomfortable."  Umi mumbled.

 

Kotori could feel Umi's hair against her shins.  She was pretty sure her head was between her ankles.

 

"I'll let go...  But don't try anything..."  She warned.

 

"Me?  You're the one...  Trying everything."  Umi retorted.

 

"Let's just stay like this then."

 

"I...  Okay.  Sorry." 

 

Kotori released her hold and Umi rolled around in the bottom of the bag and then came up for air, facing Kotori.

 

Even in the darkness of the room Kotori could tell that she was pouting.

 

"This is your fault."  She mumbled sourly.

 

"You're so cute sometimes."  Kotori found herself softening immediately.

 

"This isn't funny."  She sulked.

 

That set Kotori off.  She chuckled as she leaned into Umi.

 

"I said it _isn't_ funny."  Umi sighed.

 

"I...  Think..."  Kotori could feel her voice slipping away between chuckles.  It was no good.

 

And just like always lately, there was that urge to smile.  She couldn't hold it back.  It seemed to have gotten harder and harder.  And then she wasn't sure how but their lips were brushing against each other's.

 

Kotori could barely stop laughing.

 

"You... Know...  You w-won't be able to s-stop me now."  The words tumbled from her lips, falling against the crook of Umi's neck.

 

"Why are you still laughing?"  Umi asked.  

 

"Everything...  Just you and this sleeping bag.  It's the best thing that's ever happened to me."

 

"W-what on earth do you mean?"

 

"You have to let me in now.  You can't ever stop me again."

 

Umi sighed heavily.

 

"For better or worst, I think you're right."  She kissed the words into Kotori's lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are. I wrote this story during a rather odd and ultimately disappointing period of my life (the first quarter of this year, 2017) and I suppose that might explain why I kept changing outlines, especially for the second half of the story. I kept thinking of the barriers that would get in the way of these characters but one-by-one they all fell away. Eventually I decided that this story was really about the struggles that are self-induced rather than anything or anyone external. It came to be about one person who is such a practiced optimist on the outside that she became a pessimist in her heart of hearts and another who traded her pride for weakness without realising it. And then gradually they both come to see themselves honestly in each other's eyes. And Nico, of course. She'll always make an appearance.
> 
> Hopefully if you made this far then you enjoyed reading and took a little something from it. As always, many thanks to everyone for checking this out and especially those of you who left comments while I was writing. It was genuinely a very real source of encouragement.
> 
> Not sure what's next but I don't doubt I'll start on something new over the coming months.


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